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Today is my birthday.

D. Papers arrived today.

I know it's dumb, but sorta disappointed I didn't get a Happy Bday from Matt.

Feel old and a bit down.

That's the bad...
The good...
Had a ton of FB well wishes.
Bought some fun spa stuff yesterday with D12.
Have done absolutely nothing today except take a bubble bath and exfoliate my feet. :-)
Wanted this to feel like a new beginning--this b'day--maybe that's why God sent the papers today?!

Hey there.

I know getting the papers [censored], but you may find that you actually feel a little relief. I know that I did.

And....

HAPPY FRICKIN' BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Tad

Thanks Tad... Kinda feeling this may be a blessing in disguise.

Happy Birthday Heather!! Sorry the papers had to come today, but you know, it may be a new beginning just like you said. I like that train of thought. I hope you made it a good day ((((hugs))))

Happy Birthday Heather! Sorry about the papers and no happy b-day from Matt (who knows what's going on in his head)... But... that spa stuff and doing nothing except the bubble bath is great!

Happy Belated Birthday. Heather, I didn't expect Matt to wish you a happy birthday, after all...you just got divorced and he's got other fish to fry right now, i.e., accepting it's over and done with and that you stood your ground in many ways.

As for the divorce papers, I'm glad they finally came. Put them n a safe place because you'll need them and your marriage license once you hit "senior" age to file for social security. Yes, when you turn 65/66, if Matt paid into Social Security, you can file and receive some of the income. It may not be much, but every penny will count (that is, if Social Security is still around then).

Papers Signed and in the mailbox.

Let my new life begin!!!!

Happy belated birthday! Your new life may not be what you expected, but, it can still be amazing. I think you are doing wonderfully. Cant wait to see where you land.

Thanks Ur :-)

Yep. It's looking a little different than I expected. For one, my H is clearly a broken man--something I couldn't fathom when he left. I was full of so much pain myself, I couldn't see his pain beyond my own rejection.

Time has revealed the predictions/analysis of MLC on these boards to be spot on. Frighteningly so. Sadly, he still can't see his own dysfunction. I keep praying for him though.

But, nonetheless, sent the papers. As I drove past the mailbox this morning, I asked myself, "Do I want to get them? Am I ready?" Everything in me said, "SEND THEM!@" No question. I feel content and peaceful with this decision. I love the man, but I'm ready to have an official, legal boundary from him.

I signed up for a course on Overcoming Anxiety this morning. So happy I did. The course is a self-guided online course (cheaper than therapy) but includes video guidance/explanations from a group of therapists. The course also includes forum support from others suffering from the safe stuff and you can reach out to the professionals if you feel stuck working through the homework. Very simple, very enlightening stuff.

After one day, I feel more in charge of MY life and more understanding of the circumstances and experiences which lead me to react to life as I do... procrastination/avoidance. I felt his tremendous relief as I listened and understood how I came by these habits honestly. It was a perfect storm of selfish people and situations... but, I did the right thing by moving away from all of them. The distance makes more sense now that I have some perspective.

Signing those papers was my final step in setting myself free from some very unhealthy, unforgiving people. I'm not saying I won't allow them in my life anymore, but I AM saying it will be on MY TERMS.

Life is good, even with my tendency to avoid and all my imperfections. Taken me so long to get here. I just might be able to enjoy the second half.

Judge should sign off on the papers any day now.

The last 3.5 years of my life has been exhausting. Feeling this sort of cleansing grief and burnout from all that's happened.

For me, these papers represent freedom and a lost family member and a lost dream. Somehow, I reached this end point... with a lot of God's grace and a lot of support from people on these boards.

It's an end and a beginning. I feel free to live life on MY terms. It's daunting to think I, alone, am responsible for my girls. If we want to go to DisneyWorld, I will need to make that happen. If I want to help D21 get through med school, I will need to earn the income to make it happen. I am responsible for creating a decent life for my girls.

My dad didn't make his wads of cash until he was in his fifties. I can do this.

In recent months, I've beaten myself up for a perceived failure with this job in NY. The reality is... I'm tired and I have every reason to be tired.

Kinda thinking the key to a re-charge is honoring the exhaustion, resting up and then kickin some financial a$$.

I have a plan. I have connected with other writers who are earning six-figure incomes. I can do this.

I've always loved solitaire. Even when I was kid, I would spend hours on similar games where you were up against yourself and had to use strategy. I was thinking about this while playing a challenging solitaire game. When I lose, I reset the game and start over until I'm convinced there's no way to win that particular deal. I will go over countless strategies until I feel convinced I've done all I can.

I think I do that in life. I did that with Matt. I exhausted ALL possibilities and gave him every chance.

And, I will do that professionally. I will continue reworking/rebuilding/renewing/regrouping until I find the solution which works for me.

And, I'm going to allow myself a little rest. For the first time in my whole life, I feel like God has my back. I feel good with God. I KNOW God understands me, "gets" my decisions and is completely cool with where I'm at today.

When I started this journey...I used to hear this little girl in my head as I feel asleep. Every night for my entire life...I heard this little girl crying for her mom.

Now, when I put my head on the pillow, I hear God saying, "I love you Heather. God loves you."

That's what this journey did for ME. :-)