Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Few Questions From. Newbie

One thing I can add to this is;

Stop begging her and overwhelming her by "hovering" over her..

Focus on what you need to do for yourself, prepare!

Become a better person, by going to church, going to the gym, taking care of yourself, etc.

Good luck and keep posting, it will help you!

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

I'm certainly no no vet, but I can relate to your question ... a lot.

Her going to the bar. I understand feeling jealous. I have been horrible with mine. What I had to work on for me and I think it may help you as well. Your feelings are okay, even the "negative" ones. It's how we act on those feelings that can be the problem. I had to reach a point where I was able to accept that my wife is her own person and I have no right to try to control where she goes, or punish her if she comes home late. I'm not her father.

The other side of that argument is the disrespect from her. It will be far easier on you if you can accept that is her issue and you only have control over your reactions to your feelings.

It took me a long time to get to this point. It is difficult to change those behaviors, all we can do is plant the seed in our heads and work actively to make them habit. I decided some time ago I didn't like my jealous reactions. Not because it hurt my marriage or my wife, but because that isn't the kind of person I want to be.

I hope that was helpful. I'm sorry to see you here, but you will find many wonderful people here. Good luck and God bless.

I am my own worst enemy right now. Since we are living in the same house and still talking somewhat,I feel like their is still hope. However, the way she is treating me, walling me off, telling me she doesn't want to work on us, that she doesn't love me anymore (she can't pinpoint when she came to this conclusion - said it has been years) and hurting me makes it feel like it is just a sliver of hope though. Maybe just wishful thinking on my part? I dont want to give up, but she is making it as difficult as possible.
I am grateful she has not left or forced me to leave. She did say she wants me to leave. I argued with her and stayed in our house. She wants space and time.
I get the feeling she has already exited the marriage in her mind. In breaking the rules, I was talking to her mom, brother,sister, bestate friend. They won't talk to me now - wont return calls or texts (foolishly, I tried more than once). They were supporting me and now they have cut me off. Her brother posted on facebook the other day how my wife is strong and they were raised to never back down. I interpret that as she is having conversations with them about leaving and has doubts. They are telling her she can do it and she needs to leave to be happy.
She knows I don't like her to go out all night. So, I am sure she will. I am worried she will act like a single, wild woman. She has become friends with 2 single, divorced men on facebook in the last couple days (I'm breaking another rule by Facebook stalking her). These guys are both attractive and are mutual friends with the two friends she is going out with this Saturday. So, I worry that she will meet with them or end up going home with one of them. I'm a door mat right now. She holds all the power. I think she wants me to blow up. Then she can say, when she rewrites or marriage history, I stayed and tried to work it out, but he wouldn't change and give me space. He got mad when I went ourlt with my friends. Accused me of seeing other people when I just got too drunk to drive home. She will say she just spent night at girlfriends. Ugh. I feel like I can't win.
If detach, I feel like she will interpret that as a green light to do as she pleases because I don't really care. I gave up after one month when she was unhappy for years.
I guess I do have control issues. I know I need to just say "have fun!" When she leaves Saturday night and not react. I shouldn't react even if she doesn't come home. I shouldn't call or text her while she is out and ask her how it is going or what are you doing. But, I will want to and I will have to fight myself not to because I do have control issues. When I don't know what is going on, my mind wanders into dark places and I think the worse case scenarios.

You are your worst enemy, you don't have to ride this train with her, you can chose to get off at anytime. I suggest you get off now.

You don't have to say "have a great time" or "have fun", you don't have to say anything, it wont matter to her anyhow.

She has lost all respect for you and so has her family and friends for being too clingy.

She has left the marriage along time ago and you kept pushing her. Turn it around and become the better choice, its hard but nothing is impossible.

Man up, dust yourself off, become someone who is attractive, independent and a MAN.

I think you might find some solace if you were to get in touch with some of your friends and make plans for yourself that night. Eric, I can honestly relate to the control problems. It took me a long time to admit that it was my problem. Kudos to you for that. I feel like I have made a lot of progress in that regard. Here is a list of what has helped me in healthy ways throughout this. I hope that some of it will resonate with you.

I stay very busy now. I am either working, out with the kids, or out with my friends. One thing I would advise here, avoid the bar scene and alcohol.

Drop snooping habits as quickly as you can. I had to remove my wife from my FB page. I had to do all of these things for me. It has made my life a lot less stressful.

Find a friend you can talk to that will be supportive of your decisions. I call my friend anytime the urge to reach out to her is too strong. He listens, we bs a bit, I thank him again, then I am able to get through the rest of my day.

Eric,

I am in month 6 of this nightmare. I know how hard it is not to call or text her when she goes out. My W went out of town to see a friend about 2 months after the BD. I called her 23 times in a row only to have her send me to voice mail each time. Do yourself a favor and let go. I know how hard it is. Its not like ive been a master at this. But the fact is, you cant control her.

I read on somewhere in this forum that you have to accept that the marriage you had is dead and long gone. The only chance we have is to build a brand new marriage from the ground up. I am working hard to control my emotions but just about every morning I wake up sick and cry my way through a shower before going to work. Its hard to look at the kids without becoming emotional. This is completely normal.

Keep you chin up and only let her see a happy and confident you. As bad as it hurts she is going to do anything she wants at this point and there is nothing you can do to stop her.

It is going to get annoying hearing the same advise over and over. And its advise that you don't want to hear. The only way to bring her back is to follow the rules perfectly. You will mess up. The important thing is to keep working at it. YOu will have days when you think you have a grip on it only to wake the next day feeling awful again. But sooner or later those awful days will become less and less.

I know none of this helps you feel better right now because I was there. When I joined this forum, I read and read and nothing made me feel better. Now its starting to sink in.

Keep posting and reading. You will get through this in time.

Eric - I'm sorry you're here. None of this is easy. Especially at the start. I'll give some thoughts below.



There is always hope if you want there to be.

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't "give up". Look, I'm really sorry, but your marriage is over. You are already fired as husband. So give up trying to save that marriage. Instead, your goal should be on forging a new marriage with the person that was your wife. Unfortunately, that sets you right back at square one - you aren't her husband anymore, so you can't ACT like her husband anymore.

Stop worrying about WHEN she stopped loving you. Worry about WHY she stopped loving you. Then look at the things and fix them. For you.


Yes. She HAS already exited your marriage. Leave her friends and family alone - they were never going to be support for you anyway.

Also, I don't advise leaving your house. She wants to separate, let her leave. Now, that doesn't mean living together as separates is easy. Read threads from Ghost56 or Huddy to see how they've done.


The no snooping rule is there for you. No matter what you find, she isn't going to change her mind. So your outcomes are either:
1) you find something and get hurt
2) you don't find anything. But did you miss it or was there nothing? So you keep looking. Then you hit outcome 1.

So, what good did it do? You got hurt. That's the only result.


Nope. There is no "winning" here. She's going to rewrite everything and now YOU are the enemy. YOU are the one keeping her from her freedom, from her happiness, from the greatness that is the rest of her life.


NOOOOOOO. DETACHMENT IS NOT IGNORING. it is not being uncaring. It is not being unloving. Detachment is HEALTHY. It's about protecting your emotional state from the ups and downs and loop-de-loos that she is going through.


Yep. We've all been there. She is going to make her own choices. Read the BOUNDARIES thread so you can protect yourself. But otherwise, you have to let her live the life she so desires. Any opposition only drives her further away.

Use the time to work on you. Take up a new hobby. Go out with friends. Go to a meetup to make new friends. Anything. Just don't sit around at home waiting for her.



You can do it, Eric. It won't be easy. And it will be long. But you CAN do it.

I will have my kids while she is out at the bar with her friends. I can keep busy for the day and evening, but will be home putting my kids to bed. Once they are asleep, I will be alone with my thoughts. I have my brother, mom, or best friend to call. I will try to lean on them tomorrow when the demons in my head come out at night.
I am not prepared to give up yet. Maybe the writing is on the wall, but I am not ready to read it.

I went back and read through all the comments I have received, so far. Thanks to everyone who has posted.
To the member who asked about her requesting a separation, but we are still living together. I think the kids are holding her back right now. School starts in a week. I think the timing is not good for a separation. When her sister was talking to me three weeks ago, she told me that my wife broke down ancld cried to her about my S:8. She had a breakdown when she thought of telling him we are separating. Her sister told me she was hysterically crying and had only seen her do that once before in her life - when their dad died 9 years ago.
Also, I think she is reluctant to go through with this because of our house. She wants to continue to live in our house, but won't be able to afford to do so without another man. We make just about the same exact amount of money, so neither of us can afford the house alone. Together, we have no problem with our payment and bills. But, cut the income in half and there is no way.
I don't know if there is another man that she has been talking to, bit I do see that she has recently became facebook friends with people from her high school, that are mutual friends with her best friends, that are single and divorced with children. I don't know if she is working on or fantasizing about who she would be with next. I really can't see her living alone, like she suggested she could. I said if we separate she will go find a guy right away. She said maybe I will just live alone like your mom did when your parents divorced (my mom never pursued another committed relationship, never remarried or cohabitation with a man after my dad left when I was a child). My mom is happy alone (at least happy enough to live alone).
She also told me if we get a divorce, she doeant want my money. She said we could divorce without a lawyer. My friend spent about $11k and my brother spent $15k on lawyers. So, she was suggesting we could do 50% split of assets and custody.
One thing I know is, I don't believe that for one second. When my brother got his divorce settled, and moved on to find another mate, his ex tool him back to court for child support and tried to get full custody. She ended up getting child support, but the custody remained split.
My best friend was told the same. That they would split 50/50. When he got a new girlfriend, the same occurred. His ex took him to court for more custody and child support. He went from 50/50 to getting tobsee his kids every other weekend.
Once the man moves on, the ex seems to need to make the man bleed more. At least in the two occasions I witnessed. So, for her to say that, I could not believe a word.
I still love my wife. I see it as better to fight for her, rebuild a new relationship, find love again. However, she does not want to let the wall down. She does not think I can change. She rolled her eyes at me when I told her I already have. I am trying to assume love. I'm trying to be positive, but she is making it difficult since she is keeping me distant.
I tried to remind her of times when wi know she was happy and in live with me. In every example I mentioned, she remembered something negative. Her ability to remember negatives in what I thought were awesome, happy times, is remarkable. I wish I had the ability to remember the past as detailed as she can. I guess my words and my mood carried a lot more weight with her than I realized. She remembered a comment I made about her weight from 15 years ago.
With that being said, she has recently lost lot of weight (within last year), got a tummy tuck, got a boob job. She looks more attractive to me now than ever. I did not want her to get any of that done. In fact, I opposed it. I would have rather spent all that money on the kid's college savings fund. But, she wanted to do it, so I said go for it. But, really I didn't want her to. She also spent 3k on invisiline braces. We have the money, so the money isn't the issue. I just felt like she was making too many drastic changes. Obviously, it was a sign she was unhappy with herself that I missed. I didn't know it was me she was so happy with. Was she fixing herself up to exit? Or was she just trying to feel better about hwr personal appearance? Only she knows.