From my experience of being a foster mum, I know kids can blame themselves when parents S. you may want to tackle this issue, let each kid know its isn't to do with them and ensure your children know that these responsibilities are adult ones. That you will let them know and answer as many questions as you can. That you love them and you will never ask them to make a choice. You speak for you on this, kids know each of you can only speak for themselves. You may believe your W feels the same.
Hugs, lots and lots of hugs, more than you think you need to do. And quality time with them, you are going to end up being the stronger parent for a while if W disappears into a fog. Have a plan for each child and work it.
I like your attitude of protecting your precious and amazing children. Your D13 sounds like a caring and concerned young lady. Oh and I did say hugs?
Kids come first.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/19/1507:31 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you Vanilla. When W worked overnight RN shift on Monday, I did sit D:13 and s:8 down to talk. I told them W and I both love them. I told them they do not have to feel like they are picking sides. I told them we are working on our R and that no matter what we will always love our kids. I have always been a very, very involved dad and have always been loving. This will not change. I assured them I love their mom as well. I feel bad that my W tells my D:13 information to relay to me. For example, telling her that she is going to stay night at BFF house or her moms house, instead of W telling me first. I do not want my children having to deal with adult issues. They are innocent, big hearted children. They do not need stress and to worry about their future at this age. W and I both come from divorced parents. We always swore to each other as we have witnessed 3 different couples, who are close friends, go through divorce, that we would not go down that path. Now, she is saying she does not love me, does not feel intimate towards me, wants to separate. Yet, we remain in the same house and I feel it is a gift of time. I need to make sure I make real changes within myself and use this time wisely. Stop pushing my motives and stop feeding into my insecurities of the future.
Eric, follow your own advice in the last paragraph. If you emotional reactions are in check your wife may tell you more of her plans and/or open up. She may dread the reactions from you and use your D:13 as a intermediary. Hang in there buddy!
Im glad that you have the opportunity to talk with your kids, but I would be VERY cautious in telling them about the details of your M.
For example, I think the stuff in blue is not great to have said: "I told them W and I both love them. I told them they do not have to feel like they are picking sides. I told them we are working on our R and that no matter what we will always love our kids. I have always been a very, very involved dad and have always been loving. This will not change. I assured them I love their mom as well."
As you said, you dont want to make them pick sides. But you also dont want to pit your W as the bad guy and you as the good guy. You dont want them to leave this talk with the impression that if their mom cared more, there wouldnt be any problems. I think its best to just focus on YOUR relationship with THEM - tell them that you will always love them and be there for them.
I found out last night that my wife at the very minimum has been having an emotional affair. And I know the person she has been having the RA with. I got a message from my cell phone provider that I had been dropped as count manager for our 5 accounts. I called cell carrier and learned that my W called and changed this. I wondered why and started reading up on Google. It is because the account manager can look at call and text logs (incoming and outgoing). I told them I have always been manager and I pay the bill. Not sure why they let her change that. After some talk, they change me back to manager. I'm sure she got an email alerting her. I immediately get on my computer and pull up the logs to see what she was hiding (broke the rule of snooping, I know). I had never looked at logs. The thought had never occurred to me. Ilogs reveal over 10,500 texts between the two in a two month span. I only made it to about June and access denied (she must have called as soon as she got the message from carrier and got me locked out as manager again). I saved both files. And I looked at what information I had. It was clear. A lot of pic/vid files. Every few minutes; 24/7. Obsessive compulsive type texting. Not very many calls. On my birthday, there were 175 received messages and 153 outgoing messages from this guy. And it looked like thus everyday clear back to June. No wonder she didn't want to work on anything. She has OM.
^^^^^^ Forgot to mention she was at work and I was at home during this. So, I am now upset and break more rules. I snoop through her stuff and find a hand written note on a jewelry store envelope - "I WILL BE buying you more of this! Love Tom"
So, now I am even more upset. I stayed up all night and went through the cell records and tried to figure out the numbers I didn't recognize, besides Toms. I find two different lawyer offices. And a non-profit organization designed to help single women. I confronted her with the letter and cell log in the am. It was an angry conversation on my part, ending with her packing two large suitcases and leaving for her moms house. I am now aware of OM and have a separated wife. Talk of divorce is upon us. Was not a good day.
Very sorry to hear about what you are going through. In a way, its good you found out and confronted her. Now you know and its out in the open. You can also prepare better legally as you know your wife has been talking to lawyers. I know this all hurts but you are actually better off knowing than not knowing. My heart goes out to you and I feel your pain. Hang in there. I have been reading lots on this site and it keeps coming up that the EA and PA's don't last. Fight through it and focus on your kids and you. Your kids and you.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Damn. I know it's hard. But I wish you'd have posted here before confronting. I made the same mistake and confronted my W every time I found some evidence of betrayal and all it did was make her go more underground with her A. The dynamics change so much once it's out in the open and it's important that you have good guidance navigating it. Anyway, I think it's good that you know: Intel is important. Now that you know and now that SHE knows you know, there's no point in snooping any more.
I knew something was going on with her. When she is home, she just sits on the couch and looks at her phone. Obviously typing on it all the time. Now I know she was sitting there texting OM. She says there has been nothing physical. I can't believe her because she insisted there was no one else. Well...this no one else is buying jewelry and saying love tom. This no one else has over 10,000 texts sent and received in two months. All hours of the day, everyday. When she is at work, with kids, shopping, driving to work. It is literally constant texts. TheI really are pics and vids sent too. I saw some of them were at 4pm on days she is in bathroom getting ready for work. So, I believe at least some are sexting. She is trying to tell me they are friends. Lol. She will not admit to doing anything wrong. I was not nice. Her denying the facts and not admitting this was inappropriate just made me more mad. We are headed for divorce. She is out of the house at her moms. I did not want this for her, my kids, or me. She obviously wants out and wouldn't work on anything, talk to me, look at me, touch me, etc for last 5 weeks. But, she will text om every minute 24/7.
I am going to be civil as I can. She has contacted lawyers. She has told my d:13 it is over and she is trying to either find another house or see if she can afford this one by herself. I don't want her to have this house. I want to keep it, even though it would be a struggle financially.
