Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MLC Funhouse continues

Thank you Job- started reading ReachingHigher's threads. They are a treasure trove!

Meanwhile I continue to have some interesting conversations with H. The other day we were out with one of our sons. As we waited for him, a group of (very scantily clad pre-teen girls rounded a corner. H commented that he could not believe an adult let them out of the house like that. I said maybe they changed or snuck out like that. Then one of the adult mothers met up with them. So he was right and they were practically naked. I listened and validated but was annoyed simultaneously by the judmental hypocrisy given some of his own MLC behavior/thoughts.

I assume he is trying on masks? If so, I should be thankful for puritanical H as he is a vast improvement over some of the other personalities that have popped in for visits.

But there is still shallow H who has been making many cameo appearances lately. I listen but can't validate too much here. We know a guy who is a good H, nice guy, good father, etc. Normally he wears a hat but he had it off the other day and H was shocked by how old he looked as he was balding. H has full head of hair and joked about how great he looks in comparison. I validated and told him he is handsome, which he is. However, these days I would prefer to see more internal construction taking place. H is vocally obsessed with age lately: noticing who looks old and who doesn't, etc. Hard not to start to feel insecure with all the obsessing. I hope this is not the last stop on the MLC personality bus for him!

This brings me to conversation we had about 2 families we know. The women have "new" men living with them and are no longer married. H has issues with this as his mother did the same and he thinks all these scenarios are bad like his was.

He said he did not understand why these men did not go find women unencumbered by children. I said most women these mens' ages have kids, the pool would be small. So H said they should find young women w/o kids. I said these are 50-55 year old men who don't want more kids so why date a women on the brink of wanting kids? Also, I said these men may want some depth to their relationships. These men already have 25 year old daughters from previous marriages. Very immature thought process.

Anyway, in letter H wrote to me a month ago there were very valid requests in there that I validated and I am making those changes. There were some shallow things in there too that made me cringe. I tried to ignore these and detach here.

Today, out of the blue H asks me to give that letter back to him! He said if kids ever found that letter he would be mortified! I do not blame him as I was mortified to see some of the shallow glimpses myself. But I never shamed him, not when I first read some of the items, and not today. I was so happy that he did not like those parts of the letter. Growth!!!

I told him I would not give the letter back. Cracked a joke that it was my letter now. He said I should burn it. I do my want to. I don't want to hold it over his head. But he has forgotten so much of the crazy things he said that sometimes I begin to doubt my own rendering of things. I want to keep it as proof that I was not crazy in my memories of this time.

Sadly, some of the shallow comments have stuck with me. Some of those criticisms are hard to think of. Aging is tough. I am healthy and in decent shape. But I am not 21 anymore. I went from living in an erudite town on the east coast to this bikini clad beach town in CA. It is a tough place to age gracefully. It is something I am sure all women struggle with.

It's one of the many cases where I wish I could unhear the comments.

For cripes sake, I'm 59 and I would LOVE to have my 39 year old body back. Embrace your smile lines and don't let H's craziness keep you from enjoying your youth.

Thanks KML! Needed a reality check from deep within shallow MLC land.

I do fantasize about throwing a truth dart his way: H zip it! No one confuses you for Channing Tatum!

Lolol! Yeah, was talking to my best friend today. She went to a party with her new boyfriend and he told her she was the most beautiful woman there. We talked about how nice it is to be with men who think we're the most beautiful women in the room, even if we aren't. And I couldn't help but compare it to life with my ex, where often I WOULD be the most beautiful woman in the room, but he would still be focused on my imperfections.

Kml, not to hijack but ya, I totally relate to what you said above! I think beautiful comes from within, not only outside, and my H has no idea! The truth will come

Obsessing over physical looks and aging is one of the common themes for them. They have to work through it for themselves... I think in time, most do.



I know firsthand what you speak of! We all have heard those hurtful things. Remind yourself that the comments are coming from a place of true pain, but are not true! You were, and still are, a beautiful and loving wife!

I would love to be 39 again too. I thing I would have a better change to start over again, LOL. I looked 29 when I was 39, I would take it any day… I meet some men who tell me I’m beautiful, but I look in the mirror...And I don’t see 29 anymore…

I’m not sure what you mean by this I found CA to be more forgiving in terms of age, etc. I feel like the time is not ticking as fast in CA for me…

Thanks KML, Mleigh, ForeverYoung and BrightFuture- your posts helped me and in so many different ways.

BrightFuture- when I said I found it hard to age gracefully in this beach community of CA., I just meant that there is so much cosmetic work being done here. Women on the east coast are probably also being cut from eyes to thighs but people hit the beach here more and so you see it more.

I am feeling better and stronger these days. This weekend I tidied up the house which needed it. I know you are all groaning with boredom over this. But the point is twofold: post depression my energy is increasing in spurts and I am slowly returning to myself. I used to hate clutter and was naturally tidy. I became the opposite in depression. I didn't start living with 30 cats or anything but I was messy in strange new ways. I had empty bottles I wasn't throwing away! Was I too tired to toss them or was I on my way to becoming a hoarder? It felt amazing to have the energy to begin to get organized again!

Most noteworthy items on H front: H initiated going out as a family with another family we used to hang out with and he texted from grocery store to ask if I needed anything.



Is it out of guilt or is it a genuine wake up to the world? Who knows? But it was one less trip I had to make so I was happy.

Updates on my front and I have a question or two:

H has been inching forward in some places while leaping in others. Somehow I feel like I am doing the same.

Recently H texted some of my family members! He has been NC with them for well over a year. There is so much he has missed in their lives. This contact on the heels of making plans to go away for the weekend with an "old" pre-MLC friend.

Recently H had to go out of town for two days. Interesting to see the difference from the last time he went away. Last trip away was in the spring w/MLC friend (friend is 50, never been married and spends his days chasing skirts and acting like he is 20). He was the perfect MLC companion. Back then H did not even text me while gone. He only texted kids. One day he forgot to text them at all. That was hard as he told them he would contact them & did not; kids were hurt. There was so much hurt all around then.

This time, before he left he said he would be calling me in the evening when he arrived. And he did. Like old days he called and texted me, not kids. He went back to calling in the am and in the pm. He also texted me throughout the day.

Last night at dinner his phone rang. We've always had a no electronics at dinner policy. This has been easy to enforce as we both agreed on this. On usage at other times, like so many families today, we struggle. Anyway, H showed me the phone to let me see it was a telemarketer. Trying hard not to read into this. Why the need to show? Is he trying to please me, assuage guilt, both? Can I ask him this at this point why he made such a show of it or will it scare him too much? I want to ask but don't want to stir up a wasp's nest.

H is initiating more contact, we've been going for (quick) walks alone initiated by him and we now hang out a bit in the evenings again. He compliments me when I look nice. We are bantering a bit more too. He sometimes calls me my old nickname.

But, I had a setback. I assume this is normal push/pull stuff? I was wearing a new outfit. It was super cute and I felt great in it. H came home and did a doubletake. I think it was a thumbs up because he kept glancing at me. So I said to him and the kids: what do you all think (as it was something very differerent from my norm)? H said: spin around and let's see. He said it was nice.

Anyway, I just felt awful. All his criticisms he voiced about me came rushing back and I just felt ashamed. I know he said he was mortified by what he wrote but it all rushed back to me. I don't know how to put this behind me. Part of the problem is that yes, I look decent but I am getting older, obviously. H voiced some "aging" based issues but some of his criticisms centered on stuff that will only get worse with time. I know MLCers are obsessed with aging but now I have this discomfort about me today and also future me. I also worry what if he is a fair weather friend on this issue? It is very uncomfortable. I see him showing he finds me attractive but I also replay criticisms now.

I feel like he is trying to heal me in this area by complimenting me and being more affectionate but it is awkward as he has not come to terms with some of the realities of aging here. Meanwhile I just felt so unattractive when I know that I am not.

I realize I am a words of affirmation person. I think what I need from him given the stuff he wrote, is at some point for him to reassure me om this front. Again, I think he is trying but I now feel uncomfortable in my own skin around him. I need to hear it to believe it. This is a change for me as before this I never knew how to ask for what I needed. So, despite setback I also feel like I know myself a bit better.

The other morning, very early we were talking when my cell sounded out the receipt of a text message. It was pre-5 am. I kept taking and didn't think much of it as all my family is still on the east coast so I knew that's who it was from. H has been so out of touch be doesn't know this is routine check in from family.

After a few seconds more of talking H got a very annoyed look on his face and said: who is texting you at this hour? I answered but did not show phone. Did not occur to me to show it as it was a benign call. This all happened before him showing me his phone. Clearly he thinks I have something going on. Anyway, few days later he showed me his phone so maybe he wants me to show mine?

Can we all just get landlines again!!!

Let's break down the events and questions...shall we?

1. Showing you his telephone when a call came in. This was his way to reassure you that he wasn't getting a call from a woman. He wanted you to see it was a telemarketer. If he does it again, thank him. I wouldn't ask him why he's doing it. Be glad that he's stepping up and letting you see his phone.

2. Why did you have a set back when he asked you to spin around and let him see how you looked in the dress? You should have been happy that he asked and provided a nice compliment. They do have moments of clarity and will actually say normal things.

You are going to have to let those criticisms that he made go. They were made when he was at his worse during his crisis. He lashed out to the person who was closest to him. If you have difficulty let them go, you may need to see an IC and discuss them w/her/him. If you don't, this will be the elephant in the room as things continue to get better relationship wise for you and your h.

I think your h is trying to smooth things over in this department. He knows that he has hurt you deeply and is trying to find a way to mend those bridges. As for aging comments, they all are scared of aging and run from it, but it sounds like your h has settled down quite a bit and you know what? You can't stop the aging process and I'm sure you, just like many of us, are aging gracefully. I wouldn't worry about those aging comments.

3. He was curious as to who was calling you at such an early hour. He's forgotten that you have family on the east coast and it's been a routine to chat w/them. As for showing him your phone? He's curious and yes, he most likely thinks you are speaking to someone of the opposite sex. It will be up to you as to whether or not you want to show him who you are talking to...but I do think it's funny that he showed you his phone, after you had gotten the call. He's just like a little child, show me your toy truck and I'll show you mine. LOL!

I think your h is baking up quite nicely in the MLC oven. Don't try to over analyze his every move or word. He's slowly, and I mean slowly waking up a bit. Keep your expectations at zero at all times.