Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers hold on!! - 12

If it helps, write down what you want to say to her and when you're ready to tell her, read from the script. That way you will only say as much as you want and you won't get sidetracked by her unpredictable response. I may look a little formal, reading from a prepared text, but at least you'll be able to stay on task.

When telling the kids, you can be more natural and just speak from the heart. I would tell the kids, then go right to W and read your text. Then maybe go back to the kids and tell them you told her so they can prepare themselves for her reaction.

I know what you mean about being afraid that you haven't left any stone unturned. But from everything I've read in your sitch, you've tried your best and done everything possible. Filing is the last straw and you never know what will come of it.

She can't say she is surprised. What does she expect?

Hey U,


Just dropping by to say thinking of you and your family. I anticipate that you are likely feeling tense, nervous, and raft of other emotions. Just sending some love out from across the planet JellyB xxx

U

Although you are unsure of what to say, i think you have decided to tell WW and also the kids very soon. As you have filed in the court then it isn't possible for WW to outmanoeuvre you, so you have five or six days to plan what to say. Be prepared for her to ask what you filed or for an early copy of the documents filed. That's easy to deal with if you want to, your L has advised you in this case that the fact you have filed is the important thing to advise not the content? Is that the advice from L?

Seems to me the decisions are:

How to tell her- text ( nah...), email (unlikely) phone ( possible?) in person (most likely)

Where to tell her- if it were me, neutral territory, neither home nor work place

When to tell her- which day, time of day etc, but I think between day 8 and day 11 after filing, gives her a couple of days to cool before she gets the paperwork. And when WW is likely to be cool tempered

Who to tell first? The kids or WW? If it were me then I would tell WW and kids very close together in timeframe using the order that suited me. If you told the kids first you could then contact WW with the news that there was something you needed to tell her before she heard it elsewhere

Then there is why of course, you are telling her to forewarn her because, it's your moral imperative and you want your children to know which is much more important?

In my book telling your children is the most important thing, how you tell them is something they will remember for the rest of their lives. You are their role model and vital to their safety and well being so my first concern is your children. Tell them somewhere safe for them, lots of hugs and answer questions as honestly as you can. Be prepared to be asked questions that are inappropriate for you to answer and you may need to say up front, " I will answer as many qs as I can although some things are adult issues" . kids can often blame themselves so it is important to say "there is nothing you have done to cause this, this is an issue between mom and I"

If you want to role play on the board then that's ok, although in this instance I think you would be best with IC.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

V

thanks asitis.
I do try to keep everything (too much of everything I think though as I have an archive of sh!t that I don't even like to think about having - I hope to someday burn it all). Recording such incidences haven't been successful at all. (the biggest death threat rant happened while I was in the shower - look back to July4 if you want some entertainment).

I don't think timing makes much of a difference right now I think I need to have all of these conversations very soon as I think the serving is coming sooner than I expected - initial court date is set.

Thanks a bunch!!

Peter - I have thought about this as I have usually not said what I wanted to say as I don't plan very well for interaction in my prepared statements.

I'm really not sure I have very much to say to her. I suppose I could answer her questions if she is inclined to ask any, but I guess I just want to warn her that it is coming.

I will be tender with the kids though.

Thanks so much peter

Thanks for your warm wishes Jelly - I need that.
I am really feeling all of those things - I am trying to stay positive in front of the kids - but I am just exhausted and not sleeping again.

It's like I am dropping the bomb on myself

(how was this so easy for her?) - sorry about that

I hope you are doing alright Jelly

This is true V, I need to tell everyone - I cannot just let it happen - I don't think I would forgive myself for it.

Today, I contacted my L to get a timeline again and I was given a date of oct 1 for our preliminary hearing. and she will likely be served next week. ) This knocked the wind out of me a little today.(My L annoys me a little because he doesn't seem to tell me anything without me asking)

I need to announce this to WW and kids soon. This is wrenching me too though I don't really feel like I can screw this up as there really is nothing to screw up.

I do not have a copy of the filed paperwork yet.

I will tell her face to face (I don't like talking on the phone - too much silence). I will schedule a "meeting" with her telling her that we need to talk in private - she will likely know it is crucial because I have not tried to talk to her for many months. I would like to talk somewhere besides at home, but don't really know where yet. It will have to be in the evening (probably skip dinner that night - give some money for the kids to go get themselves something - gets them out of the house and give us a little time)

I will tell WW first because I don't want her to think or accuse me of working them behind her back and pulling them toward me.


This is the tough one - I could go into the why with WW, but I'm not sure there is a point - we both know the why. I need the kids to know a little of the why (I don't need them to know the gory details) but I need them to know that I am hurt by this, that I don't believe people grow apart, that this this is not about their mom working too much (or whatever else they were told to believe). I need them to know that I believe in marriage and that it can last forever. But everyone deserves to be treated with respect.

This is tough.


This is all so true V - so important that I get this right - I don't want to lose their trust over this.

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I did tell WW about my parents anniversary lunch this upcoming weekend. She asked what I wanted her to do and I replied that I was leaving that up to her. She asked who was going to be their, but I didn't respond. This was all by e-mail. I don't know what her plans for this are. I will make the best of it if she decides to go (I hope my dad can do the same - my mom said she could).

-------

I am preparing myself for a doozy of a lie to happen on friday night, I know she has bought concert tickets out of town to a band that her and OM bonded over (Yuck) - I'll see what kind of story she makes up to cover for herself. I have no interest in covering for her or lying to the kids for her - would be a good time to tell OMW about everything too - but I am not sure this will make me feel any better. It may be a good time to tell the kids though I don't want it to seem reactionary over just the current event.

I will likely let her know that I know she is lying to me - and a couple days later let her know about the D proceedings.

I would like to write out my thoughts about my conversation with WW if anyone is interested in helping.

Thanks so much

Hello Lovely U,

I some how knew that you would be feeling it physically and emotionally, but I guess it is a human response to stress and distress, so no too difficult to anticipate.

I guess though, that I like to think that I have little sense of you, out there on the other side of the world, and knew who torn up you would be and in a little need of someone having your back and waving a flag for you, if you know what I mean. LOL

I won't give any advice on what to say to wife about her being served. This is not something I have had any experience with, so I will leave that to the experts.

If you know you will not be able to say all the things you want to say to wife, if writing them down in letter to hand over, after the intial conversation would be helpful.

I am not always a fan of passing over detailed accounts of feelings and thoughts to people who will not appreciate them and only use them for counter attack, but sitting down to write something may well indeed help you formulate some rather emotional experiences, wants wishes and desires into av clear consise and truthful account, which can either suport you talkign with wife, or be something you hand over to her. Just a thought.

Whatever you do, while your wife may not recognise the emotional angst and turmoil you have experienced over how to take this next step. Please know that I and the we that is this online family, see the integrity with which you have handled yourself and this situation.

I have no worries about how you will hold your children through this process. You have the father thing well covered already.

Sending you lots of love

JellyB xxx

PS: Im ok

I want to stress V's advice on working through how to tell the kids with the IC. This is really, really good advice. The IC can not only work on how to approach the topic and what to say, but also prepare you for the likely reactions and tips for handling them.

It would be ideal if you can both tell them, and maybe the IC can figure out a way that this could be approached w/ your W from having heard you out longer. But, I doubt this is likely. She can help you both talk w/ your W when you drop your bomb to minimize W's reaction cause undue stress to the kids, and also what you might do w/ kids if that doesn't work.

A very stressful time, indeed. For everyone in your family. Just remember, you are doing your best. That is all you can do in a very bad situation. You'll do even better if you allow yourself to just do your best rather than worrying that you should be able to do better and what the consequences of not doing that are. You'll deal with that as it comes up.

Just like the R w/ your W isn't over, the R with your kids will have plenty of time and opportunity to help them heal and be happy.

Good luck! We're here for you.