Yea, I get to see her and to be honest im not sure if that's a good thing. She ignores me and everything I do. Unless she needs money or needs to talk to me about the kids. The hurtful thing is that she seems unaffected for the most part. I am still trying to stay hopeful even when it seems hopeless.
You need to stop worrying about what SHE is doing .. focus on ... yep .. you guess it YOURSELF here, you can not act like a puppy begging for her attention.
Originally Posted By: tkdmme
Another thing that bothers me is her attitude toward my family. She has always had a great relationship with them and now she doesn't talk to them at all. They have done a lot for us over the years.
She fired you ... and your supporting cast. This is just the norm ... her relationships with the kids, your family, the chick at 7-11 are HER issues .. you have your own stuff to worry about .... the more energy you spend on all HER stuff is less you are applying to yourself and you need every ounce of it ... stop wasting time and energy on things outside your realm here ... its pointless ... cheeseless tunnels right>?
Originally Posted By: tkdmme
I know that the DB program is the only chance I have but it just seems like this will never end. I want my family back together and I don't know if that will ever happen. What makes this so hard is the not knowing. I am trying to embrace and accept it but it gets too hard sometimes.
Not a program .... We all want to save the M, and our family. But here is the deal with all this .. and more importantly not knowing. I will share what I have learned ... now its been about 2 years for me and all this. I honestly would have NEVER done the work, the hard work, the really uncomfortable part of looking at myself and changing what I needed to change if someone here, in real life, even if God told me "Cali .. in 2 years you will be back with your W and have your family back" ... I would have just held out for the time to pass and been exactly who I was when my W left me .... imagine how this would play out for my future M .... it would repeat and I would have to live that pain all over again. Use this time as a gift ... learn the lessons you need to learn out of all this, regardless if you get to use what you learned in your next M with your W (The old M died at BD) or maybe its with someone else as you have already alluded to. Its your chance to give the next special person in your life the improved version .. the version who learned from his mistakes and will refuse to ever allow himself to go down that road again.
Originally Posted By: tkdmme
I have been going to bed as soon as we put the kids down in an effort to stay away from her but I lay there wanting to go out and talk to her until I eventually fall asleep.
I know I could have another woman if I wanted to and I know that I will eventually be ok but that's not what I want for me or our kids. They don't deserve this. She is willing to make everyone around her unhappy so that she can feel happy.
Really? To early to even go there ... this is what I call 'hurt little boy moments' wanting to hurt her like she hurt you .. will not get you where you want to be will it ... so I would suggest not entertaining such thoughts as they are not coming from a place of strenght .. more out of fear.
Originally Posted By: tkdmme
I told her early on before DB that we know that divorce will lead to more heart ache and devastation. However, we don't know where we would be if we both tried to make this work. She refuses to even entertain the thought of us ever being together again.
Im just so sad.
She fired you ... and right now she does not want the M to the tkd she has in her head .... your choice to change him and slowly allow that new tkd .. or TKD 2.0 as I have called it to gradually wear on her, to make her second guess what she thinks she should do, is doing and will do.
TK - Somehow, some way, you've GOT to GAL. You can't just abandon your life to hang out in your room until you fall asleep. Your life is worth more than that.
Join a group. Go out for dinner (even by yourself). Go to the bookstore. Start a new hobby. ANY. THING.
Cali - I agree completely on the not knowing. What if you knew for FACT that your M had no chance - 0.000% - of being reconciled. Makes it easy to turn your back and ignore the work too, I think.
That 5% in there that we all have. It's that little bit of hope that I think drives this whole train.
Cali - I agree completely on the not knowing. What if you knew for FACT that your M had no chance - 0.000% - of being reconciled. Makes it easy to turn your back and ignore the work too, I think.
That 5% in there that we all have. It's that little bit of hope that I think drives this whole train.
That's some insightful thinking Azz, and makes perfect sense to me. The odds are long, but the stakes are high, and we're all committed to trying to beat the odds. And the good news is that, if we stick with it, we all come out winners regardless. Maybe not in the form of saving the M, but at least in terms of making ourselves tremendously improved. If you think about it, everyone on this board who really works at DB is going to have a heck of a good shot in their next M, whether it be with current spouse or a future one. While the WAS is highly likely to keep repeating the same mistakes if they do end up with someone else, and be right back in the same boat a few years later. Who wants to go through this pain more than once in a lifetime? I'll take the safe bet.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Yeah Azz and dwh that's the angle and the message I think that falls on deaf ears.
The LBH is so focused on what he terms to be 'the goal' he can not see the forest through the tress, especially early on as its all about the WW/WAW ... what she is doing, the pain she is causing, the mistakes she is making, the lives she is ruining, the OM she is with ... its all Marsha Marsha Marsha
I think of it this way, if Micheal Jordan was told how great he was going to be and he believed it ... do you think he would have been? I argue no way ... it was that chip on his shoulder .. infact I would be willing to wager along the line someone somewhere told him he was going to fail, was not going to be good enough and that's what drove him to strive for success, as what is so common with many people who are successful in what they do.
I think the same thing applies to an LBH, the WW/WAW tells him he is not good enough ... BD ... its up to him to change and become the man he should have been all along ... not for her, not to win her back ... but for himself.
Whatever the motivation is .. or where ever it came from ... does not matter, what matters is the work that follows.
To add to that, honestly, it makes no difference whether the WAS is planning to come back or there is no way in hell they would ever turn around. What matters is what the LBS thinks. I think that's really the message in the "rule" about keeping hope alive. It's the hope that makes me really strive towards change. It really makes no difference if the hope is based on reality or not, because it's what I BELIEVE. As long as I have the hope that my situation could turn around, I'm willing to keep working.
I totally agree with you all. Viewing the not knowing as a good thing is something I hadn't thought of. In my case if someone would have told me as a child that in 30 years I would be the musician that I am today, would I have locked myself in the basement with a piano for hours on end for the last 30 years.
Looking at this way, im glad that she has not agreed to work it out. I aint done cooking yet. There are so many things that I can work on alone.
I guess it just takes time for these things to sink in. I will get there. Believe me Cali, the message is not falling on deaf ears. Just stubborn ears.
Like a lot of things in life, getting there is almost better than being there. What I mean by this is, I have worked hard on other things in life and then when I achieve the goal and look back, The work itself was fulfilling.
I had a 64 ford galaxie 500 that I brought back from the bone yard. Once I had in running like a champ, I almost wished something would break so I could work on it some more.
I get it. its just a way of thinking that I have to embrace. I am not where I want to be right now but I have come along way from the TKD that wrote his first post on DB.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
helping with housework helping more with the kids getting out more exercising (mostly golf) doing the laundry stopped the R talks with the W Acting as if detaching got a second job playing piano stopped drinking as much (I know I need to stop completely) building a better relationship with my father and brother taking the kids to church hanging out with the kids more stopped being a recluse (before BD it was impossible for my friends to get me out of the house) stopped being so negative
These are just some things that came to mind. Any thoughts? are these actually 180s or am I fooling myself. These are things that I didn't do before BD. I just kind of feel selfish for becoming detached. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself and I am feeling stronger everyday. There are some things that will be harder to do such as completely stop drinking. I may need some pro help with that one.
Any of you ever feel selfish for detaching and GAL? I was selfish before BD and it feels like more of the same to GAL.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
helping with housework 180 helping more with the kids 180 getting out more More GAL right? ... but be specific (Poker night with buddies twice a week exercising (mostly golf) GAL doing the laundry 180 stopped the R talks with the W DBing Acting as ifDBing detachingDBing got a second job playing piano GAL stopped drinking as much (I know I need to stop completely) This I will chalk up to Self improvements... Its not a 180, nor a GAL ya know .. but I do think its extremely healthy and beneficial you continue this building a better relationship with my father and brother GAL taking the kids to church GAL hanging out with the kids more GAL--again .. specifics .. zoo/park/mall stopped being a recluse (before BD it was impossible for my friends to get me out of the house) GAL stopped being so negative PMA
These are just some things that came to mind. Any thoughts? are these actually 180s or am I fooling myself. These are things that I didn't do before BD. I just kind of feel selfish for becoming detached. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself and I am feeling stronger everyday. There are some things that will be harder to do such as completely stop drinking. I may need some pro help with that one. Yeah ... that's why your sitch jumps at me, I was that way too. We lose who we are by trying to please those around us, turns out you can not fix things, you can not make someone happy, and for me the fact I could not 'fix her' made me feel like a failure, I lost my self esteem and respect in the process and in turn she lost respect for me... its hard to respect someone who has little respect for themselves right?
Any of you ever feel selfish for detaching and GAL? I was selfish before BD and it feels like more of the same to GAL.
It was a very strange feeling that's for sure. Like you I was all about the family and the W, and gave into what they wanted all the time. Heck even on MY birthdays it was not about a place I wanted to eat, or somewhere I wanted to go ... was more along the lines of .. 'What could everyone enjoy together'. There are a couple books on this ... might be something to look into for you ... it surely opened my eyes ... if you are a reader I will suggest 2 that can help you really see this issue a bit more clearly.
