Eric, you are doing great. The only way I can figure out to counteract the negative influence of others is to just hold my head up high and not give them any reason to lash out at me. I am trying to be pleasant and easy to be around, hoping that my H will feel safe and good around me. That is all I can do. Whenever I am tempted to do something else, I pray, turn on music, play with my kids, do something to calm myself down and get my thoughts off that which I cannot control.
You are in the right place, you are doing the right things. It is hard we get it. Keep it up, you will be ok.
I was just wondering if there was a way to counteract their influence. They are just trying to be supportive and loving of her. They are only getting her side of the story. I just feel as though they are giving her bad advice.
You received several responses to this question, and they were all in agreement that you should not interfere with her family. You are wanting to control what is said to her, and you can't do it. They have a right to say whatever they want to tell her.
You are still allowing your feelings to lead you. You don't really know what is being said to her. Even if you were advised to counteract their influence, how could you when you don't even know what's been said?
The point is to stop fretting over her friends and family and what they could be saying to influence her. Focus on you being a better man. That is the best prescription to counteract any bad influence. Let her see the actual proof in your actions.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Last December my wife lived a psychotic event with hallucinations that lasted for one week. I later found out that the God-Mother of my oldest son, which I knew for more than 10 years and considered my friend, was the immediate cause of such event (of course there were other causes, my past behaviour being the most important). I work in a different town from the one my family lives in. The God-Mother was alone with my W in our living room, went to my computer and asked my W: you see this cable (she showed one of the cables connected to the computer)? It's connect to his work and he can follow everything you do at the computer. This just cracked something inside my W's head. My W is now fully recovered, but has other friends she respects very much telling her to get divorcedbecause a husband who spies his wife does not show any respect to the spouse. I have come to the conclusion that a) you cannot do anything about it, apart from becoming aware of who are your friends; b) ultimately, it is my W's choice to listen to her friends and follow their advises. She might be influenced by them, but she still is capable of taking her own decisions.
Me43 W39 M 12y,T 15y S09,S07 Bomb Jun14 Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15 Share bed Mar/May15 Reconcile Jun15 Aug15 W sais D will happen D told to kids Sept15 W moved out with kids 01 October15
I apologise in advance, I don't want to hijack the thread. I was just telling the OP about my experience and conclusions regarding well-meaning friends. Answering your question, Vanilla, I had been. I had installed a keylogger two months before that never worked. In December I had already stopped any spying. And obviously the cable story (it would have to be a 40km-long cable) was sheer whickness of the God-mother. Story here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2560983#Post2560983
Me43 W39 M 12y,T 15y S09,S07 Bomb Jun14 Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15 Share bed Mar/May15 Reconcile Jun15 Aug15 W sais D will happen D told to kids Sept15 W moved out with kids 01 October15
To give a slightly different slant to your main point EricT, my grown up son, is point blank refusing to talk to my W. He simply doesn't see the point as he is really disappointed and angry at her antics as it has had such an impact on the family as a whole, with her as the only beneficiary (although that's debateable).
Over the last few months, I've: had a quiet word, in email form CCing my W on the dialogue, been very direct almost angry with him to make contact with my W, as his behaviour is not necessarily helping me as it's another thing used against me, it's all my fault as she didn't get the chance to put her side across, tell him what an a$$, I really am blah, blah, blah. The MIL and SIL have also had face to face conversations with him (without me in the room, so they could say what they liked) on the subject of him speaking with his mother.
Do you think any of it's made any difference? To save any suspense, the answer is no.
So do you really think that you speaking with any friends or family will make any difference?
The sad reality is it'll probably make things worse and be used as ammunition against you, maybe even in the D proceedings.
Leave them alone and focus on yourself, you are the only person you can work on and change, after all it's you alone in the DB process, the others get the benefits of your efforts, not the other way around.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
