Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 5th month since finding out

I just want to make sure Im understanding. Your wife had a PA at the end of December. And now she has started a new EA in the last couple months.

What kind of work did you two do together after the first affair ended? Did she really recommit to being married to you? Or was it more of a convenience thing until she could find a new "exit strategy"?

Can you detail your marital history? Detail all of the good and especially bad parts of the M and your part in them. Be brutally honest. The more info we have, the better we will be at being able to help you.

Yeah, conversation went like this
I may be wrong but you seem upset
I'm fine (walks away)
Excuse but I feel disrespected when you just walk off like that. You seem very upset.
...
You get the point. So I said I'm going out for coffee, if she'd like to talk later,I'd like to listen.

So things had been tough for years. About 8 yrs ago she had her first EA. I got tge whole ilybinilwy thing. Anyway, I worked through that and 180d but kids and stuff and I got complacent. Made a good living figured she was happy. THEN I lost my sister followed by my mom, who I found dead, 3 months later. This was 4 yrs ago. The depression from that was brutal. I completely shriveled away, and all I could do was work, but everything else, I had no energy for. Yeah she had an affair she said ended in December. I found an email from November to her om. And yes, I'm pretty sure she either started a new EA recently or its the same guy as the PA. She denies but, cmon. At the very least her relationship is inappropriate. Why? Because I saw her at his house and she lied about it. That's inappropriate.
Here are my 180s to date:
Quit drinking
Quit smoking
Sleep in my bed
Coffee in bed every day
I do laundry
Helped with her mother
Go to my kids sports program
Lost 65 lbs
No yelling or name calling
There's more.

Too brief.

What was it like before her first EA? What did you and her fight about? What were the traits she complained about? What were things that you didn't like about her? Listing your 180s don't help unless there's a context to them for us.

I didn't do anything around the house. I was disinterested in my kids and her family. I was too heavy. I smoked. My 180s are good. In fact she says I'm perfect. That makes her mad too.
What I don't like about her? Cold, cheating, lying, I'm angry right now.
My complaints were always she didn't show me affection, here are listed above.

A man of very few words it seems.

Is this how you communicate with her?

Did you ever read DB or DR?

Read both. Reread both. I'm actually very talkative, to the point where I try to be succinct especially online. IMHO, our relationship went like this-she "bullied" me into withdrawing then blamed my withdrawing on what ever came next. It's how she handles tough situations. She does it with her family etc. I obliged. I also don't know that that matters. I know I'm pissed and I know I am biased and prone to being defensive and withdrawn. I know that in certain ways I've come across as weak to her. Interestingly, the first EA only ended when I exploded on the OM. His mom got scared and called her and told her to stay away from him. I wonder if that's what she's expecting now. It's really not beneath me. So that's honesty. I really appreciate you asking me direct questions. It helps me get over my reluctance to speak.

You saying that she "bullied" you into withdrawing is your own opinion. She would probably say different. In any event, at that point, you had a choice to talk to her about it or not.

In fact, in your brief description of your M, you don't make it sound as if you were bullied at all.

Right now you're speaking out of pure emotion. Strong and secure men lead by actions and don't really need to say anything.

I don't disagree with anything you said. So the question is, when dealing with her mood swings, what actions should I take? Do I ignore (which seems like old behavior), or engage? I think I should engage but that's a really fine line. What I don't do is allow it to dictate what I do.