Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Finally asking for help:

I am confused, my head seems denser since BD.

She is in your house and you moved out?

She was in europe and the kids were with you and the house was empty?

Why did you leave your home?

Yeah, basically it got really abusive after BD. I spent 10 months trying to work things out. I figured out that she cheated on me towards the end of that time and I chose to separate. I was trashed as a human being, and was near the point of self destruction after what I'd endured.

After we separated, I made a plan to help her into a new life. It required that we sell the family home. The kids were to have primary residence with me at my parents house, and we would split custody between us while she got a job and worked to go to school while I paid for her apartment.

This arrangement brought her into a huge depression, and she wanted to get some space to help get her out of it. She wanted to visit a friend in Europe for a month during the summer. I needed some space too, and at the time if felt ok.

Shortly after our 16th anniversary, she called me and said she didn't want to sell the house, and that she would work to pay off our debts. I only had a few hours to decide, but I figured keeping the house would be less tough on the kids, and it would leave a door open for us to be a family again sometime.

So yeah the house was empty for a month, I would just go out to mow the grass on the weekends. I shouldn't have left in hindsight, but separating has enabled me to get some help and healing. Thanks for checking in.

No judging here just trying to understand.

You live with your parents?

Close by?

Is there a spare bedroom or basement in your house?

I guess I'm trying to see it there is a way back into the house without the same bedroom as your wife. It would be great for the kids and their needs. I think it would be good for you too, even it means keeping a low profile to not piss her off. She may love immediate child care. You would have to behave to make her accept it. Just a thought.

Time for errands,ttyl

Thanks for the reply mutatio!

Yeah, I'm actually contemplating moving back in at some point, but I'm not sure if I'm ready yet. My parents live about a hour away, so it's not very convenient. I do find a lot of comfort and support there. It's my house and I pay all the bills so I have every legal right to be there. I want to be available for my kids, and I do think you are right that I should try. Thanks for the feedback!

Well yesterday was the worst day of my life. Got a second bomb drop. W slept with OM while away in europe. Her and I have known each other since we were 12 years old. We have only been with each other sexually. This hurts more than anything I have ever felt. It's really over. Thank you all for the support and encouragement. She is a wayward wife. Wish sandi could offer me something.

I have to take some time to deal with this pain. Then figure out how to take care of my little girls. I can't go on anymore with DB. We talked about it for an hour. She says that I'm lovely, and that she wants to feel that way for me, but that her heart is never going to open up to me again.

Solo - I am so sorry you are in such pain today. I wish I could give you some magic words to make it all better. It isn't over until you absolutely say it is over. I know there are others on this board that thought an A was a deal breaker for them and it turned out it wasn't. Maybe they have better insight. Chin up and remember you are not alone here.

Im sorry Solo. There's nothing I can say that will ease the pain of the betrayal and rejection that Im sure you must be feeling now. All I can say is to not put too much stock into the things that she says to and about you right now while she is full of waywardness.

With that said it's just NOT really over.....unless you want it to be. If this is a line in the sand that you are unwilling to cross, then by all means, it is your choice to let this be "the end". But if you are still interested in the possibility of restoring your marriage, then this really doesnt change things all that much.

You have each started your separate journeys that will take you on different paths. The DB process starts out as a marriage saving tool, but it's really more a way of saving YOU. All of the focus of this process is about making Solo15 into the best version of Solo15 possible. There isnt anything any of us can do to control the words, thoughts, and actions of your wife, so all of the advice is focused on you with the ultimate goal of restoring your marriage.


I would like to ask you two questions:

1) What does it mean to you to stop DBing?

2) If you I could wave a wand make you divorced right this second, what would be different for you?

So what are you going to do?

I don't know. The grief is so fully everything in my heart right now.

After she told me, I was quiet for a while. She pressed me to say something and I looked her in the eyes and said ILY.

While we were talking about stuff, my head was spinning, but I remembered everything I've learned here. I was restrained. I validated her. I told her that I want to be married to her. That I want our family to be together. I validated the pain she expressed about why she couldn't love me that way again. I owned my mistakes, but I was resolute in my desire to be with her.

She really wants everything to be ok, for us to be friends, for things to flow as they did. I am shattered, and I am not able to offer myself as her husband now. This is a classic wayward wife situation, and after reading everything that sandi has posted on the subject, my next step has to be complete withdraw, and letting her choices have consequences.

I am thankful for your advice, and I do know that I have to focus on being the best man I can. I would go down the road to forgiveness if she repented and wanted to work on the M. I am generally quick to forgive, but this time it's not in me. I see no hope now in R. She has given me none.

I will continue to think about if I am able to DB. The blow is fresh and it gutted me completely.

Thank you all so much for the encouragement and kindness. I need it bad today.

Maybe you need to go back to DB101 - start with a beginners mind.

DB is first about saving ourselves.
And right now that is exactly what YOU need to do.

SO personally I think you need to rethink about quitting DB - cause to me that means giving up on YOU!