Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers All About Me?! Scared!

So I was asked when I felt a detached moment to post it! Your posts were very honest tons of great information and a little harsh which I am fine with! BUT had my H said that to me it would have ruined my entire day made me cry and hurt! So the healthy detachment I have with you guys allows me to have an open mind focus on the information instead of simply focusing on the harsh parts of it! It allowed me to look at it in a reality fashion! It did not affect my mood or change my emotion!

Hi 4, it's good that you were able to receive the information that way. People often talk about some feedback feeling harsh (or having a sting.) That normally means it is something to really look at and think about.

Interesting that you feel it would have ruined your day had your H said it. I think this comes back to the fundamental point we keep revisiting in your sitch - if my H doesn't accept/want me, what am I/I'm nothing. (Actually, he is just one guy in the world who knows you and may hold a particular view, but why need that affect your deep sense of your own self?

And I think it is this mistaken belief that keeps you clinging to a situation that isn't that healthy. Keep reading and thinking about CD. And I think you mentioned a work book at one point, which might be a good idea. Keep on going 4 - I think you're making some progress here.

Take care xx

HI Sotto yes there is a work book and I will be using it also. I do rely a lot on whether he accepts me. I had a heart to heart with MIL tonight. It really hurt me hearing her words but they were very true. She told me I have spent a year talking harshly about H so much so to the point she avoids being alone with me as she no longer wants to hear it. I believe this to be true I have talked very negatively about him this past year. She also said I always call him the cheater but technically I am doing the same thing. she said

MIL:"for the last year all I have heard is you bash my son. Every moment you have a chance to the point that I avoid being alone with you. This is MY SON after all. But you still choose to sleep with him even though he is sleeping with someone else but then judge him for doing it...so the act for you is fine but for him is horrific? You cary on about him being a cheat but apparently if it is with you its OK?"

ME: NO its unfortunantly not ok at all. These happen to be teh the things I am choosing to work on! I have been much more positive towards him trying to thank him for things he does little or big! In the last few months I have spent a lot of time reflecting and reading, reading and more reading about my behavior! I have learned my actions have caused a lot of the issue we have. Yes he has made some mistakes but I have made many more. I believe I was angry with myself and depressed I pushed the blame on him no excuse for it all its part of healing. When I get into my depressed moods nothing is positive that is why I am going through counseling and taking meds. I need help I need direction to change. it wont happen over night but I do try to be more positive towards him. Now I see how horrible I was trust me again I do not blame him for all of it. I would have probably done the same thing he is doing now. I am sorry I caused you to not want to be around me I needed to hear that because I have always felt you were very supportive of me so gives me another reason to dig deeper and keep looking at me instead of pointing fingers at everyone else.

MIL I love you I want you to be happy and healthy You are family.

ME:I want to be healthy too! and I am working on a lot of things to help me with that. counseling weekly, I am looking into anger management support group, co dependent support group, and Adult children of alcoholics support group. I'm trying to go out with friends Im trying to have a healthy attatchment to him not a smothering evil attatchment. Im learning healthy ways to express anger and problem solving. I want to be healthy happy and have a family with your son if that is possible it will come in time right now it needs to be about working on me. One thing I have started at dinner time since we are all at the table is everyone has to say 2 good things about their day 2 not so good things and give everyone a compliment. ex: Thanks H for hand washing my car today greatly appreciated. I ask him every day if there is anything I can help him with or to make his day better/easier. Trust me I see my faults and I am sorry I made you feel like that. I really am trying I know people dont see it but I am!

I can completely see your side of it. I guess I took advantage of you being a trusted person and did not take into consideration you are his mom too. I am doing a lot more of just keeping it to myself feeling the emotion and dealing with the emotion not just shoving it away that is an unhealthy behavior. like right now I feel anger at myself Hurt from my actions and hurting people I care about and I need to sort through them instead of get angry! It will take a long time but I hope to someday be the healthy happy person I once was. I hate the person I have become adn a healthier happier person is all I want. Putting this family back together would just be a bonus but there is no way i want to try right now I need me time!


So I shared this as again I felt detatchment from the overwhelming contorlling tendencies. I took what she said I listened replied politely did not get offended. I was hurt reading it but I also know what she said was truthful. It needed to be said. It gave me a lot to own up to and a lot to think about. I do use very harsh words to describe H. I am not very supportive or appreciative. I am seeing more and more of my challenges.

This weeks goal: No matter how upset I get I will not say anything negative about H to anyone. I will give him one positive statement a day if he initiates conversation!


I stayed dark all day at work today. NO TEXTING. I got home he told me he waited to feed D's lunch until I got home so we could all eat together he figured I would be hungry. He started conversation about racecar telling me what he was going to change just general conversation. He told me he did the dishes and all the laundry was done. He ASKED if I could put it away. I said yes I would I had a few other things I needed to do also. He said please do not burn yourself out I just would like you to do laundry the rest can wait. I said thank you. He asked if there was anything I needed from him or needed help with I said no. I told him I registered girls for dance and looked into soccer for D7. He then went outside I made lunch. While outside he vacuumed my car out hand washed it washed the racecar played with the girls and came in and ate lunch with us! I swear an alien took him over.

So I know you are all thinking I am jumping for joy thinking yes things are getting so much better we must be on the right track right????? WELL guess what. I simply said thank you for washing the car it looks great. AND HOW DO I FEEL???? the same. I am glad he did it he did not have to and I appreciate the gesture. I appreciate his kindness and helpfulness. I DO NOT think this makes us on the right track or changes ANYTHING. He is still doing WAH things also. It was enjoyable to have a nice evening at home together with the kids.

Usually when something like this would happen I would be all happy and OMG maybe things are getting better maybe we do have a chance but NOT TODAY. Today I am detatching from those feelings. I know its only one day but hopefully tomorrow can be more of the same!

Jelly! I really appreciated your post. It did give me a lot to think about. I have abandoned myself. I have given up on me settled for what I know. I do need to start asking the right questions of myself and digging deep. I am so scared to start. I will share that I did not text him all day today and I did come home thank him for what he told me did (housework) talked about the kids from me and from him racecar. It has been a pleasant evening I hope you read my long post and have some advice to my thinking.

I can start doing things for myself. I like the idea of doing for myself when I want him to do something. I will certainly give it a try and let you know how it works. I will continue reading CD and then start on the workbook! Thanks Zeus

Day 2 of no texting! Easier than I thought! Going home to clean house and do dishes and movie night with the girls he can join if he wants but I'm not asking him just a general statement to girls after dinner to pick a movie!

Good for you 4, just keep living your life as though he is no longer in it just now. Doing your own stuff with the kids, working on your own stuff (CD book etc) and moving forward.

All sounds good and will take much time, but slow and steady moving forward...you're doing really well xx

4, kudos to your MIL for saying what needed to be said. That woman is gold, keep her in your life.

And kudos to you for understanding that one or two kind acts on his behalf doesn't mean anything at all. Enjoy them and continue to detach.

And now I know why I struggle! I want instant results And it doesn't happen! Tonight he came to bed early said he was going to watch tv in bedroom so I went and laid in bed also went to put my arm over him (stupid me) he moved it I put it back and not another word! I then became anxious becAuse I knew I did the wrong thing and now I'm anxious and sad that was his reaction even though I knew it would be and I knew I was wrong! Listen to the birdie in my head next time! I also now think I have an idea about why I push my emotions down because as I sit here feeling hurt sad scared it's even worse than just pushing them aside pretending like I don't care or getting angry Instead I get to sit here sad I've lost my old relationship scared I will never be with him again scared I won't be able to change Me scared because I feel like I am giving up control scared if I give up fighting to change this relationship it means neither of us will fight for it hurt because of rejection tired of worrying fighting and only getting pushed further away! Yep a whole slew of emotions right now and it makes me very uncomfortable!

I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that your interaction with WAH didn't hurt anything. The bad news is that's because the relationship has ended and you can't hurt a dead body.

The real problem is that you are continually evaluating everything through the lens of whether or not you will be in an R with this man. If you can convince yourself you're "being a good DB'er" you're happy, not because you're growing, but because you think you're on some road to reconciliation. When you do something you consider a backslide you freak out because you think you ended things. When it's unclear you're anxious as heck because you don't see evidence that you're on track towards recovery.

Fighting for your R is an excuse to keep clinging and controlling. Pretending not to be angry is an attempt to convince him you've changed to try to get what you want, further control. "Doing the wrong thing" is all about trying to use 'push/pull' dynamics to lure him back. 100% of what you're focused on is him, and the only time you're talking about you is in the context of how it might influence him and your "relationship" which doesn't exist.

I don't like the fact you're in pain. I hope things get worse for you and you hit rock bottom and make some changes soon, so you don't live the rest of your life basing your happiness on attempting to control an abusive ex-partner.