Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers have I been making mistakes too long part3

Huddy,

Ok, I got it. You are right. and you are also right about the booze. I am starting over today in trying sobriety. I have never been a heavy drinker but through this I have been turning to it to numb the pain.
If I can get completely sober it would send an incredible message to everyone around me. I know this this is true. I can do it. I know this because I have done it before. I just have to stay away from it. All of my friends who know what im going through try to take me out the bars. I haven't done anything stupid yet like cheating or drunk driving, but a I always wake up depressed.

I drank during the time I behaved badly in my marriage. When my wife had her EA/PA in 2008 I quit drinking. It has been 7 years and I don't miss it a bit. I have learned that you'll find no answers at the bottom of a bottle. My drinking was an attempt to self medicate myself. I believe I was depressed about my work situation and I let it spill over into my marriage and family life.

Do you think your wife may be depressed and drinks to self medicate pain away?

Do you think by taking a more active role in the kids she will less strained?

How do you think she will react to seeing you and the kids in a healthy stable relationship?

It may even be a short term distraction to help you detach. I feel like we are living the same bad chapter of a book.

My wife has always drank. It runs in her family. She is an alcoholic in denial. So, she may drink to help depression but she has drinks even when things are good.

I have been more active with the kids and we are building a better relationship than we have ever had. My W has said to me that she sees the changes that I am making and she is happy for the kids, but it doesn't change the way she feels about me.

I am not sure but her reaction to seeing me with the kids. I think she likes the fact that I am becoming a better father.

We are living the same chapter. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I hate it so bad and want it to be over. I don't want to detach but I know that it will be my only hope. She seems happy as long as I don't try to talk to her about the M. She reminded me this weekend that she has no intentions on having a future with me. It takes my breath every time I hear her say something like that. I feel myself getting farther from her and it scares me. Im worried that by the time I have detached totally, I will not want the M either.

Remember to believe nothing of what they say. Your W seems intent on a bit of a car crash wit her life at the moment. You need to protect your kids from this. This is when you show your worth as a man.

everyone keeps saying don't believe what she says. Why is that? She seems pretty sure that of what she wants. The weird thing is, she hasn't acted on it.

She's frightened. Something has gone twang in her brain so she will lash out at the person who loves her most. So, what do you do if you don't want someone to bother you? You will tell them to go away etc. This is the same. Trust me, by pursuing, you will push her away further (experience).

You, however, have to act as if this is gonna happen - because it might.

My wife said she is stalling because "its a big deal and wants to be sure and get it right".

Is your wife a reflective women?

Yes she is. She has said many times that she is waiting to see if she feels any different in time. But she does nothing that would help her feel different. Just my opinion but I don't think she wants to feel different about me.

I'm am also being judges by her. I'm getting better at DB but I do slip sometimes and everytime I do she says "see nothings changed". Example would be, I get frustrated and say something like "this is not my choice and I don't want a divorce" she takes that as pressure or blaming her. TBH she's probably right.

You have to learn to drink STFU smoothies. She can't know you're doing DB otherwise you're busted. Don't ask her if she's seen changes in you, she will have, she just won't admit it yet.

Right, now she does NOT want to feel different. She's made her decision and dug in. It's going to take a lot of time and actions, not words, on your part to ever get her to change her mind. You are still very early in this process. Remember, it took years to get here and you are only a few months out. You may have to go like this another year or two before anything really clicks in her, and even then it's not guaranteed. That's why you need to focus on you and the kids, and make the changes because they are good. Getting your W back would be a bonus.