What I'm having issue with is how to communicate that I don't like it without pushing her away. One of her complaints was that she feels like I have kept her from having a life. I have kept her from friends. I should have went out with her AND her friends as couple dating when I was invited. Instead, I would say let's just stay home. I travel for work in outside sales, so I like to be home when I'm home. Now, she is trying to GAL. Visiting her sister on other side of state last weekend. Hanging with her best is last night at a bar and then having a "slumber party". If I tell her I don't like this, I am demonstrating I still have control, trust, and jealousy issues. Right now, my trust level is very low. I'm trying to let go of control. As it is said on here, I can't control her. So, telling her how I feel is difficult.
When you say you have an issue with communicating, do you mean about the problems or just on day to day things?
Did you have any younger siblings? Remember how you just "tolerated" them? You didn't really share the same world, except around the dinner table. You were nice b/c mom & dad made you, right? That's sort of how it is with your W at the moment.
Until you get more DBing under your belt, it's probably best to keep your mouth closed and not discuss big issues. When you receive a post from a board member, at this time, unless they tell you that you need to apply something ASAP, consider it as information you are learning. We can't tell you everything in just a few posts. Don't get all stressed and confused, thinking you've got to do something we said that day. Okay?
As far as her complaints, (and I covered this in the WW threads), those were her complaints of yesteryear. Trust me, she doesn't want you double dating now. She doesn't want you tagging along with her and her friends. Everything has changed now. So, forget about all that stuff. It's the least of what you need to worry about.
You can plan for your activities and plan to do things with the kids. Do not make plans around her schedule, just go on as if she has fell off the planet.
The best way to deal with a W who doesn't want you, is to enjoy life without her. Just leave her alone, emotionally detach, and act nonchalant.
Are you still sleeping with her? Don't leave the master bedroom and don't leave your house. She doesn't want to stay in the M, so she can leave.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Day to day issues we can talk. We can talk about the kids, work, what we need from grocery store, etc. without issue. She can not talk to me about what she is feeling. She has yet to express what it is that makes her unhapoy. She has said she does not love me, is not attracted to me, does not feel intimate towards me, she said she feels detached. But, she said she can't pinpoint when and why. She is not sure how long she has felt this way. She has bottled up her feelings and they have accumulated over the years. I asked her to forgive me. I asked her to tell me when I say or do something she doesn't like. I do have a younger brother and remember tolerating him. Good analogy! Up until last night, we were sleeping in the same bed. She used to cuddle with me, now she faces the opposite direction. If I touch her, I feel her withdraw. Before last month, I would sleep heavy and never wake up. Now, I can hardly fall asleep and wake frequently. I noticed when I wake, she is not sleeping deep either. She can't sleep well when I'm not sleeping well. She told me it now annoys her to sleep with me because my bad sleep is affecting hers. It is just awkward now for both of us. I am at work and she is at home with kids now. I work days and she works (3) 12 hour overnight shifts as a rn. One day out of the week, I stay out of town. So, we are only sleeping together 3 days out of the week. I now see that our schedules are not helping. Maybe the space will help? I can tell she is anxious around me. I feel like she doesn't want me around. She does not engage me like she used to. She is a different person.
I don't want to leave my house. I told her yesterday if she is unhappy, she should leave. She came real close to leaving. She finally cried in front of me. She has shown very little emotion. She has been strong with her wall. I have been weak. Very, very weak.
I am hurting for my kids now. They now know that our marriage is in trouble. W was crying and told them she was leaving for her moms house after my blowout. She told them she is not happy. My kids were very loving and comforting towards her. They have huge hearts. I started crying when they cried. It was a mess. W works overnights the next two days. I am scared to go home after work. I get off at 5 and she will be heading out the door for work either before I get home or shortly after I arrive. I hope I don't find out that she has packed her bags. I want to contact her. Bad idea, right?
I am hurting for my kids now. They now know that our marriage is in trouble. W was crying and told them she was leaving for her moms house after my blowout. She told them she is not happy. My kids were very loving and comforting towards her. They have huge hearts. I started crying when they cried. It was a mess. W works overnights the next two days. I am scared to go home after work. I get off at 5 and she will be heading out the door for work either before I get home or shortly after I arrive. I hope I don't find out that she has packed her bags. I want to contact her. Bad idea, right?
If she had cancer would you be contacting her and telling her what YOU did wrong to cause her cancer? Would you be trying to operate on her to remove the cancer?
If she told you that talking about the cancer hurt her, would you continue to ask her about it everyday and dwell on the subject?
I would suggest you start thinking about it all like she is deathly ill and can not discuss her illness with you.
She has yet to express what it is that makes her unhapoy. She has said she does not love me, is not attracted to me, does not feel intimate towards me, she said she feels detached. But, she said she can't pinpoint when and why. She is not sure how long she has felt this way. She has bottled up her feelings and they have accumulated over the years.
She may not know how to express it in such a way that would suit you. Not feeling in love, the loss of attraction, etc., are what's causing her to feel unhappy. One thing leads to another, and over time......it is not that easy to pinpoint when and why.
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I asked her to forgive me. I asked her to tell me when I say or do something she doesn't like.
It's not that simple. Not for her, anyway, b/c of the complexity and the time span of so much building up inside of her. She will have to make peace with it, if the two of you ever try to reconcile and have a happy MR, but it's not easy.
I understand you asking her to tell you when you do or say something she doesn't like. However, there are at least two sides of that coin. One side is that she may feel she's tried to do that in the past, but it didn't do any good.......and now she really does not care. The other side is that you would be trying to appease her with every deed and word. Eventually, you would either become a complete doormat or would resent her. However, I think I know how you meant it. Just don't expect anything from her.
One more thing about the part of her forgiving you of past mistakes. Even if she told you she forgave you, it doesn't mean her loving feelings would be restored. Forgiveness, alone, doesn't necessarily fix everything.
I am not picking on you or finding fault. I am just trying to help you see from her side. You asked for forgiveness, and I think that is wonderful, as long as you understand it may not change anything. And don't continue to ask for her forgiveness.
It is important that you not leave the master bedroom. It sounds as if she's leading up to suggesting it. Let her sleep in a different room, or on the couch.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you, Sandi, for helping me see her point of view. I needed that. She is hurting and I am focused on my pain and on my kids' pain. I am trying to protect them. Both of us had divorced parents. We always promised each other we would not put our kids through this. She was so angry at my brother and best friends wives when they left H's "to be happy". Now, she is repeating their narrative. They both had affairs, which makes me all the more suspicious of potential OM. Why is it so imperative that I don't leave? Why is it important for me to stay in the master bedroom? I don't understand the significance.
