Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MLC Funhouse continues

Cali-if I say "that is a decision you will have to make on your own" and try to leave it at that, I think he will ask for further clarification. He asks for further info: "can I sleep here a few nights." Then I feel like I am back to square 1.

Thoughts?

Toots-just read this again. Lots of great insight. Thank you.

I need to process this info. Thank you again.

Oh I see. I let him made the decision and then I set the next boundary that works for me. Thanks Cali.

Yes

You will find, at the most strangest of issues they will look for you for guidance, as they struggle to make a decision for themselves let alone a rational one. My W has mentioned this as she emerges ever so slowly from the fog. Left me scratching my head, leaving me and the house she seemed to have help in this choice from OM and other 'new' friends .... but choices about trivial things like which rice to chose she would TM me about.

Detachment is key, I considered my W a science project for a bit to help me with this, watched/observed and tried not to get sucked in as she progressed through the various tunnels.

That's interesting to know, Cali, about the decision making issues.

I know I have read them but I can't find the boundaries info. Can someone please send me the link or tell me where the info is located? Thank in advance.

I have slowed my mind down and realize he is afraid to make the decision. That's why he keeps asking for permission.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...096#Post2536096

The Boundary Cheat Sheet link

"he wants to come and go with my permission. If he can't he wants to stay in misery"

And it doesn't sound as though you want to give him 'permission' to come and go (which is fair enough btw.

Given that it seems reasonable to say to him - H, I truly don't want you to be miserable and I understand what you are asking. For me, it wouldn't work to have you partly living here and partly in your own place. It sounds as though you want freedom, and also to have us here for you when you want us. I have to tell you that if you choose to move out, I won't be putting my life on hold, cooking you dinner on Tuesdays and Thursdays and doing your laundry. That doesn't work for me.

Well, maybe this is a bit OTT, but you get my drift. I think the thing with MLCers is their perception of what is OK is off kilter. And they are quite willing to traipse over hill and dale with you trotting behind - unless you hold firm on your own values and what is important for your comfort and wellbeing.

Have you done any reading on controlled separations BTW? I can't recall if MWD mentions this option in DB or DR - where a couple agrees to S for a period of time and review things. And they may agree to - say - go out for dinner once a fortnight and see how things go. I wonder if that might be an option to consider if he truly wants to go?

The next time he raises the issue about the apartment, you could then use some of the wording that the other posters have provided today. I would definitely put the decision making in his ball park. He would need to make the decision to: 1) either rent his own place and that will be where he lives, eats, sleeps, cooks, etc.; or 2) he lives at home. It is unacceptable to have an apartment and then think he's going to come home when he needs his laundry done.

Gosh, this reminds me of a poster years ago who had a husband that would come home on certain days of the week with the goldfish in a mayonnaise jar for visits. Actually, he came home on the days his wife (at the time) would do the baking for her kids and then turn around and go back to his place after he ate his fill of baked goods. Well, one time he told her was too sick to do anything, so she cooked up some chicken soup and took it over and knocked on the door. He opened the door just a wee bit and his wife pushed the door open further and guess who was running to hide in the closet! The ow! Well, needless to say, the goldfish didn't come home for another family visit ever again. I still get chuckle over this one.

Do not make the decision for him. He's a grown man and needs to make his own decisions. I don't think it's so much as fear, but he wants YOU to make the decision so that if it doesn't work out, he can blame YOU for telling him what to do. Don't play mom to his child.

For now, just wait until the issue raises it's head again.

Thank you Toots for the excellent boundary. It really helps.

I certainly see the skewed perception. H wants apartment but also books us our own room/same bed on vacation. I am betting he will change that even though I don't think he was planning anything there.

Got a glimpse into the funhouse yesterday-pretty wonky place to visit-never mind live in.

Thank you Job. Family of origin issues for H: his F lived lived like goldfish guy for FOREVER.

I am done initiating talk about the R for quite some time. He needs to bake in the crazy MLC oven and I need to work on me/detach and parent my kids. I will not be I got up the apt for issue again nor will I help him make a decision. And one other valuable lesson I took from this: I will not take the bait on his next passive aggressive comments again. Learned that from his complaining about prison bedroom.

My company offered me full time work! I took that so I can stand on my own two feet. Big ego boost as they courted me for specific role. Much needed GAL goal I had.