Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers have i been making mistaked too long. part 2

The temptation to confront is strong. Bear in mind, however, that "confrontation", in itself, really does nothing more than alert the spouse that your radar is beeping. I think the LBS wants to hear an explanation, maybe even more. If it is anything that connects to another man, she's going to lie about it.

Even with solid proof in hand, some WW's will try to lie their way out of it. At best, the H gets an "I'm sorry". It will not stop her from continuing the A. She just carrys it deeper underground, so you won't catch her again.

Years ago, Starsky said something that stuck with me. I've observed threads over time and decided he is spot on. He said a WW will usually admit (if pressured) to a level below her true actions. For example, if she admits that OM only kissed her once, you can count on the fact there was much more.

Like I said, just confronting a WW has little value. It just tips her off to be more careful.

Yea I live Zac Brown. he has one of the best bands out there. I will check out Martin. I don't think ive heard it.

You can find some good guitars in the pawn shops. That is where I bought some of mine. However, these days you can spend about the same amount of money on a new one from either the local music store or online for the same price as you could from a pawn shop.

Let me know if you decide to buy one and I will check around and steer you in the right direction.

Thanks sandi,

I totally get what your saying and agree 100%. It is weird to want to know something that will hurt you even more than you are hurting now.

I still have no proof of an A and im pretty sure that she has not been unfaithful. I think maybe I want something to blame the situation on. Some kind of physical explanation.

None of this matters of course. I am going to keep following the rules.

She has been treating nice as long as I don't bring up our M. This seems to make me feel worse.

Detaching seems counterproductive for my Situation. One of the reasons that she gives for wanting a D is that I have been emotionally unavailable. It seems that detaching would only make things worse.

I am still committed to following the rules but can any of you explain why detaching works if that is one of the reasons she has made a decision to D.

It's hard to explain, but she's gone. Yeah, I struggled with the idea that by detaching etc. this would pull the W back in. I'm still working on it, but, you can't make things worse, only better.

So, show her how good you are at being a husband, a dad, a man etc. Make her want to be with you with actions. Look good, smell good and make sure she notices you. Don't ask her for attention or if she's noticed changes in you or you'll blow it. She's got to feel that she wants to be with you again. If you're mysterious or unavailable, then if she wants to pursue you, that's how it works. Work on yourself first. be the man that your W would be a mug to leave! Be the man that feels confident enough that women would want you.

im feeling pretty good today. I have an appointment to see my counselor at 5 and then going out to see my buddies bluegrass group. They usually let me sit in. then its yard work in the morning followed by a round of golf in the afternoon.

I don't know what the W is doing we haven't had much conversation for the past few days. Im trying not to mind read but I don't think she has changed her mind about D.

She still has not mentioned moving out and I have not brought it up. Usually the weekends are the worst because we are together at the house most of the time. This weekend wont be so bad because she will be at her company picnic with the kids and I will be playing golf.

God help me through this weekend.

I'm still struggling with he isead of detaching when she said that my detachment was some of the cause of our problems. As I said ealier. I'm still going to detach. I'm putting all the chips on DB. It just seems odd to do what she already said was a problem I have.

I may be focusing too much attention on her words and actions. Well, I am absolutely focusing too much on her words and actions.

The weekends always worry me.

Tkd

I think many LBH's struggle with this. As we are told how were were not there for her when she really needed us, and that's why (That's at least the one of the reasons she has fabricated in her mind) Could we have been more emotionally available during the M .. sure ... its something we will have to figure out and correct. This is ONLY when a re-commitment to the M exists ... otherwise you are a lone-puppy chasing after her for table scraps ... she fired you, kicked you out of her heart for now, so groveling and begging, jumping through hoops will only lose more respect for you in her eyes... and press her to run faster and further from you.

Very well might be a hang up on the term "Detach" ... this does not mean abandon, treat her like crap, walk out, get nasty .... its simply to become indifferent, own your stuff, take charge of YOUR life ... whatever she does or says needs to not bother you ... you treat her as a neighbor, kind and polite but she is no longer a part of your 'inner' circle, she chose to vacate that spot the same time she booted you out of hers. She fired you, this was HER choice .... you can own your faults and contributions to the failed M ... work on those in secret, but to pursue her, to allow her words and actions to dictate who you are as a man, this can no longer happen.

Before you can save the M, you have to save yourself ... rebuild your self esteem and earn respect back. This is the time for some deep soul searching and hard self-work.

Wow. I'm amazed at the insight. Thank you so much. You answered my question exactly.

I'm feeling awful again today. I can't stop crying. My W told me again this morning that I should give up hope and move on. I'm not sure why she brought it up.

What I'm I going to do without my family. She said she wasn't trying to be mean but she didn't want a future with me. I tried not to let it effect. But it did.