I gotta tell ya - it is gut wrenching to go back through my first posts. I was a total mess, completely caught off guard by a bomb drop that I by no means saw coming…at all…ever. The word “divorce” or “I am really unhappy and thinking about leaving” never were uttered in our home. However, when she said it - she meant it and never, ever looked back. In fact, she stood on the accelerator and sprinted to the end. In all of my life I had never ran so hard into a wall like that. I was devastated to the point of near immobility. Our son was only 18 months old (we struggled for YEARS to conceive) and suddenly I was a single parent and had NO idea what I was doing. Thankfully, I found this place because I saw the book on a shelf at a counselors office. I was desperate to do anything to stop the spinning, stop the bone-grinding pain - I wanted to think clearly again and I wanted my life back. The myopic view that I took, defined “MY” life as our life together. That was part of the problem.
I am going to say what a lot of you have probably heard here a million times: Work. On. You. I’ll repeat - Work. On. You.
The moment that I realized that I was the only person in this equation that I could control was a truly liberating moment. Through subtle and often DIRECT criticism I learned to own what my part in the demise of marriage was — and focus on that. Focus on changing it. Focus on strengthening my personal weaknesses that brought me there. And, above all, focus on calm and kindness in the face of someone that appears to be up-ending your entire life. THAT part was hard - but I do recall at one point 25yearsmlc saying “think about your goal and ask yourself is what you are about to do or say moving you closer to or farther away from your goal”. I dug into my on psyche and really tried to turn my way of thinking around. I did SOOOO much acting “as if” — before seeing the STBX I would visualize the entire interaction going positively and try to make that real. In the meantime, I was trying to GAL (I was not good at it) and stay connected to friends and get help. I found a solid psychiatrist and individual counselor….I eventually learned how to scuba dive……and, when the time felt right (it took awhile) I started dating in an attempt to move forward with my life. The net conclusion was that I was try to take my eye off of HER and place it back on me. I owned all of the criticism that she leveled at me on the day that she dropped the bomb - even if I didn’t agree with 100% of it (turns out a lot of it was legit — I was living an out-of-touch life in my M). I stopped blaming her - that’s not to say she didn’t have a role - but I stopped blaming her anyway…..and I wouldn’t allow my family to bad mouth or blame her either. I remember sitting them down around the holidays and explaining to the my role in the implosion of our marriage without at all pointing a finger at her. That was difficult, but necessary. Owning your stuff is empowering. It’s counter-intuitive, but it truly is. Again, the wisdom of 25yearsmlc rung in my ears constantly “when you say it’s not your fault - you are powerless. You are saying that you can change nothing. That you are stuck. But when you own your part - you claim power. THAT you can change - you can work on you and make your situation better. It makes a difference and over time, you really will see it working for you.
Be a parent. The BEST thing that ever happened for the relationship between me and my son was being a single parent. Those of you that are still around and remember my story can recall that I was not really deeply involved with the day-to-day with my son - I certainly THOUGHT I was - but I wasn’t. Having him dropped in my lap as a solo act forced me to be dad AND mom at the same time….for three years. We bonded…we played….I soothed him when he cried…..made all of his meals….dropped him off at nursery school….we went on vacations together - all under the age of 3-4. Our bond became tighter than I imagined - and it still is. He truly helped me through the divorce….we helped each other…..because he suffered too. The days that I would drop him off at preschool and he knew he wouldn’t see me for 5 days and he would cling to me, cry and beg me to pick him up — I have never experienced pain like that before. It made me appreciate him in my life, our time together and being a dad. I question if that would have happened without the divorce. I am so grateful for the bond that we build it literally brings me to tears at times.
If you are here - chances are you are hurting. But it gets better. Reconciliation or not — it gets better. And, as always, time will keep ticking and the sun will come up in the morning. Marriage is just a moment in time….and divorce is no different. You remain you during all of it. But more importantly, you control how you show up in both.
As for me today, I am reconciling with my ex. We spent three years apart trying to figure out things and working on ourselves. We have been back under the same roof for about a year now and we are learning how to parent together (we’ve done it alone most of our son’s life) and communicate better. Because I’ll be honest — poor communication and listening skills were a MAJOR part of our breakdown. She goes to an IC, I go to an IC and we both go to MC from time to time. We ain’t perfect…far from it - but we are trying and we have our eyes open this time. We have both learned that there is no such thing as permanent relationship euphoria - it is work, it is selfless, and yeah - it is hard at times. But I think that to the best of our abilities we try to make the loving choice when we can. Because as cliche as it may be — it IS a choice.
Good luck, folks - I wish you the best. I am NOT an expert at all - but I have made enough mistakes and have been fortunate enough to make it partially back from having gone over the cliff that maybe I can help. Stay clam. Stay kind. Stay positive. Be accountable.
I'm 6 weeks post BD and have already started the self analyzation phase. I know the things I did wrong that contributed to it all, and I am working on them. I'm the only person I can change.
I've a goal envisioned and don't want to do anything to harm it.
Me - Mid 40's W - Mid 40's Married 20 No kids BD - 7/2015 ILYB... Moved out 2 days later Suspect EA
Wow, what you have said really resonated with me. I am so glad to hear that you were able to reconcile. Can you go more into how you got there? Did you guys actually divorce?
M: 32 W: 35 M 2 1/2 T 4 1/2 same sex couple W "unhappy" April 2015 D first asked for mid May 2015 2nd D end of June 2015 D papers in hand, just have to sign Start of piecing 8/20/15 A confirmed 1/2/15
PT33 - Oh yeah....we divorced all right. July 27th, 2012 - I believe it was final. We are a "divorced and reconciling" couple. I took that hard, the actual divorce, but the fact of the matter is (and it is often repeated here) my marriage was dead the day she decided she wanted out. THAT relationship was over. The divorce was really more about the legal aspects....but yeah, our marriage was over long before July 27th.
How did I get there? Let me say this in the most plain way possible: MORE PATIENCE THAN I THOUGH HUMANLY POSSIBLE! Three years....I was "in the woods" trying to find myself, date, move on, reconcile - whatever - for three years. During that time, I had to find the balance of kindness to her in all interactions and standing up for myself (ask Sandi2 or 25, I was not good at it). But I also made sure that I was changing and growing for ME and my overall betterment and not just to win her back. I never yelled, or name-called, or blamed -- I was either kind or silent for the most part. I did my best to "keep the road home paved and smooth" -- even though she didn't set foot on it for 3 years. And, most challengingly, I had to maintain a kind voice, tone and actions even when I was coming under fire or being blamed for things. That was hard - and it still is! But how we react to ANYONE is key to our relationship with them. A spouse, an ex, your boss....anybody. It reminds me of the line for the Kipling poem "If you can keep your head about you when everyone else is losing theirs".
Oh - I also wrote letters occasionally. We didn't talk face to face about things related to us - so I wrote. Never knew if they ever made a difference - but turns out she kept all of them and refers to them from time to time. I wouldn't suggest doing this a lot, though. I mean - I MAYBE did one every several months. For the most part I left her alone when it came to talking about our R.
I also got to the point of reconciling by finally giving up after trying for so long. The day she told me she was introducing a man she was seeing to our son I quit. I mean I really, really, really backed away and stopped communicating. That was my notice that it was time to accept my new life. We existing like that for months....and then things just kind of "changed".
So I guess I say that to say reconciliation IS possible - but you have to have patience, an inextinguishable drive to change from within for no one other than yourself, and the courage to accept WHATEVER outcome you receive. Of all those things, I can't underscore being honest about your faults and accepting criticism you don't want to accept.
It is very easy to look at yourself, find your own faults and work to change them. It is a WHOLE 'nother ball game to absorb brutal (yet fact-based) criticism about yourself from someone you love and care about it -- accept it as true even if you don't see it, and work to change it. It feels like you're punching at the sky at first -- but eventually you may conclude that your significant other had a lot of good points....and even if not, it helps you see his or her reality. That alone is the first step to acceptance and maybe even compassion. When I hit that stage, I felt terrible about the things I unknowingly put her through.
Keep hope, folks. But keep hope that things will be OK and get back to normal - maybe that is with the significant other, maybe not....but keep hope. The sun does come up again. I needed to hear this when I first arrived here. Use this period as a time to peacefully learn and reflect. We, as human beings, are forged in flames - and what we learn during good times in our lives is virtually nothing compared to what we learn and how we grow during life's difficult passages.
Wow, these words contain powerful insights. Thank you Crimson for taking the time to share your experiences with us.
My mind understands this as the path. My heart is lacking the courage to believe it. Your story strengthens my heart and conviction.
My wife just texted me "going out for dinner", I've been cooking dinner for nothing. I became down hearted, came here and read you post. I feel better, thank you for the insight and the gift of hope.
