Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Finally asking for help:

Thanks Azzork! It means a ton to me. I understand. There are a lot of hurting people here.

Hey Solo have you read all the homework?

Also the following advice

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553410#Post2553410

Thanks Cadet! Yeah, I've read the homework and have been reading the forum for a long time. I guess I'm just sort of looking for some clarity because my situation is just kind of odd comparatively. I'm focused on detaching, on validating, on doing 180s that are applicable.

In my case of being separated, when my W wants to maintain our friendship, and still wants to do family activities together, I'm not sure if I am just keeping her from having any consequences to her choices.

I'm still paying for everything, maintaining the house that I'm not living in, and still am filling that space I always have to her in being her friend.

I guess for some, this would be a really encouraging thing. Maybe I should just move through it and continue to show my changes through my actions. I have to find a way to be firm though and look out for my little ones.

She's all over the place, almost like an angst-ridden teenager. She's not thinking clearly about money, or the future. I guess time will tell.

It mostly sounds like she is cake eating.

She wants you but she doesn't want you.

You have been rescuing her all your life and
making her happy.
At some point that is not going to keep working and
she has to make herself happy without your help.
She has empty nest with the kids going to school and
this is all stuff she needs to work through.
We all thought that we would work through it together
however that is not the way it is working out.

Does this sound familiar?

Does she have an OM?

Thanks so much for the insight Cadet!

Yeah, it really does sound familiar.

She does not have an OM that's technically active in her life, but there is an unattainable 'crush' that she is maintaining with a teacher of hers that lives in another country. She cheated on me with him when he was in town one night, which is what prompted me to separate. She claims it was physical, but non-sexual, but who knows. I grilled her about it for several hours and am fairly confident that she's telling the truth. Still devastating.

I guess the tough part is finding the balance. I am desperate to be able to be with my children, which means at least during the school year visiting them at the house several times a week at night and taking them on the weekends. If I visit them at the house, then I can't really detach from my friendship with W.

I've been stewing on this for weeks trying to figure out what my boundaries are to avoid the cake-eating. The next few weeks are going to be tough.

Thanks again Cadet!

Yup a fantasy OM still counts.

I needed to hear that. It's deeply disrespectful for her to treat me like that. I have to care enough about myself to not support her if she's acting this way. She is definitely wayward. If it's ever to get better, it's going to take time.

I just re-read sandi's "rules". I'm following all of them. She is supposed to get a job and pay off our debts while staying in the house. If she doesn't do that, then things are going to get ugly fast.

I'm giving it a month or so to see what happens, but I'm planning on everything I can expect to go wrong at this point and making plans to deal with it.

She is very probing, so if I am unavailable, she will ask why. It's almost like she wants me to prove that I don't really love her. She wants to see me pull away. I can be distant and unavailable as all get out if I want to be. Maybe it's time to test that out.

Solo -

Be careful. Your last post sounds very angry. Almost like you trying to punish your W. That is NOT the intent of Sandi's rules. The point isn't to ignore her - it's to stop pursuing her. If she talks, you listen, validate, and reply. Of course, you also aren't always IMMEDIATELY available.

But the real key is that following those rules is only A PART of your activities. They are intended to give you the space to work on yourself without making the situation worse with your S. The real things to worry about are your 180s and improvements.

Thanks Azzork, you are right my post did sound angry. I'm really not(sometimes I feel like I should be). I love my wife unconditionally. I want her to be whole and well and happy. I don't want to punish her, but I can't be a doormat either, which is what I've been for years. I owe it to my kids to provide a happy and comfortable place to live with some financial stability and access to their dad who they adore and need daily.

I guess I'm struggling know how to not allow my wife to 'cake-eat' without giving her some boundaries.

It's that basic problem, right? I am working hard on myself every minute of the day, but the 180's would be perusing my wife, spending tons of time with her, and 'leading her'. All of those things are a bit tough to wrap my head around when they are basically enabling her to cake-eat and live in this fantasy world where I just take care of everything and she doesn't have to experience any loss or consequences to her choices.

I see what you are saying though, and I appreciate the kind words and insight. It's all really nuanced and hearing it all put like this really helps. Might just come down to me manning-up and politely saying no to some things.

While she is involved in a fantasy affair those are all the wrong things to do.

Basic DB'ing could be to try them and see if it brings you the results you want, however my guess is that it won't and you will be back to the basic advice that we give, DETACH, GAL and work on self.