Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW OR TOUGH LOVE HELP

So what about the EA or PA or did I really turn her gay? I think with the girl friend it’s just slumber party stuff but I don’t have a camera there. When this first started she told me about a guy at work a bit younger than her. She told him I was grumpy one morning and he said, “Who could be grumpy waking up next to you?” I told her what he was doing and she said, “It would hurt you to say those things.” I told her every morning how nice she looked but from him it must have been more memorable. His wife is little bit older than him and she told me he likes older women. I was picking an iPhone out for my son she sent me a text saying this guy recommends this model, which was the same one I told her I was going to buy the night before. I got offended as I build all of our computers and home servers etc. but all of a sudden he’s god and I’m a POS when it comes to this? It’s just a phone.

I text her back and say something to this effect and she vigorously defends him and says he could read the text I sent. I asked where her phone was and she said on the table. This is a Blackberry that only has a half sized screen on the front of it. I said you’d have to be sitting on his lap for him to read it and she said he has younger eyes. I know the guys and gals from the forum “Setting Them Free” want to reach in through the screen and bash my head on the desk and tell me to “wake up” right now and I deserve it but no-one wants to think of someone pawing their wife. I don’t have any real proof; “ouch” I just felt my head hit the desk.

We sold the rental house in October of 2014 and split the assets in separate accounts. As a sign of good faith I left her on my account even though she keeps hers secret. I hear the veterans groan now. We lived like that up until a couple of months ago when things were not getting better. About six weeks ago I tell her I’ve about had it and I’ll be happy to work out a split on the assets and take half her paycheck. She comes back with a counter proposal that she’ll give me another chance in September. I think great then I get to go on the Divorce Busting forum and give a success story after all. I didn’t see the person on stage holding a sign up telling the audience to laugh.

I was fairly serious about filing and when things didn’t get better and I opened up my own trading account and transferred the money where it sits today. My son has been home from University for the summer and that was the bedroom I was sleeping in. I know I shouldn’t have left the master bedroom but I did say I did everything wrong. So I told her I had to sleep with her while he was home and when she would come home on Mondays and Tuesdays. I thought maybe if we slept together we would get closer, stage laugh sign goes up again. Somehow that went to dreading when she’d be home and we’d sleep together, I’d crawl in late and only get about 4 hours sleep max.

She tells me about 4 weeks ago that’s she’s going to move out in September and there goes my last chance. As I said I began to dread when she was home even though it was only 2 days a week and I’ve had a long time to get used to it. Once she said that she was leaving I just wanted her to go. About 3 weeks ago I’m getting my hair cut I go to the same place as my wife. It’s an independent person working in her basement that I had first met years ago and then my wife went to her. We get along great and I consider her one of my friends and in fact the only person I have told about this absurdity. She could tell something was up with me.

I used to go the same time my wife would go to get her hair colored. I would show up when her color was setting and get my hair cut. She’s lives in the same neighborhood and my wife would text me to come over while the paint on her hair was drying and I’d get it cut. Last time she did not call me so I had to make an appointment and go myself. When I go she asked how things are going and I tell her that my wife said she’d move out in September. She tells me that my wife had a “friend” over while she was getting her hair cut. I think it must be this girl friend and they drove together.

But no it’s a guy that comes in to get his hair cut during the paint drying time, my time. She said it’s was a friend from work. I describe him to her and she seems to think that is who it is. As they say they go for someone complete opposite of you and this guy is tall, younger and has a good job. However I have saved more than he will make in a lifetime so I don’t get it. Is this because I don’t put on a suit and take the train to work? Is it because I figured out how to make money from my home computer trading and investing I should be punished? That rental house brought in an income of $1400 a month with no expenses, it was fully paid for.

Something in me just snapped and I grew a pair and I was going to tell her to get out as soon as I got home. I took the garage door open out of her car I knew she wouldn’t be coming back. As soon as I saw her I said,“ I was at the hairdresser” (said her name) she said “huh” I repeated it in a more stern tone. She still didn’t get it or pretended not to. I was in a tough spot as I didn’t want to rat out my friend that told me plus she needs the money and my wife is a regular customer. I said, “When are you moving out? Her, “what’s it to you?” I say, “You have place to go and you’re going anyway so why don’t you just go.” I lie and say, “I have an attorney and I want you to go now” I take my pillows off the bed and walk out the door and she says, “Watch you don’t fall down the stairs, you’re old!” I ignore her and she repeats it. Again I let it go and she says it a third time and this time I take the bait and say, “Have you seen yourself lately.” This is standard practice for her and probably others in MLC to get you to say something stupid so they can justify their bad behavior. It’s always going to be LBS fault. Still wished I’d never said it.

I think another MLC trigger for her is the thought of getting old. I am six years older than her and she sees me as old and somehow sees herself as 16. I think a younger man complimenting her is the appeal also. She swears at me all night long but she is packing! Throws a letter at me that says I would never divorce her no matter what and I’d cut my arm off if it would fix this etc. Again, I did not follow the 37 rules did I? Now you know what doesn’t work, that was just a get out of jail free card to her. She could do what she wanted with impunity. I must have written that over a year ago and she still kept it. I did not recognize the person that wrote that letter, I read the first paragraph and tore it up before the rest made me sick. How pathetic is it to write something like that.

The next day at 2 pm she is gone but not before spending the morning cursing me and as a parting shot she says, “This wouldn’t have happened if you just got a job.” Again I think I have way more assets than this guy will ever have and day or swing trading is a job. I don’t make a lot but if I had all the money from the sale of the rental house I could generate more income than the rent from it and not pay any property tax. Then I remember this is not about getting a job it’s about reducing the amount of alimony she would have to pay and she could continue to spend more money on her selfishness.

A day or so after she leaves I start reading the DB site again and see the old familiar themes over again with some way worse than mine. I click on my favorite veteran authors and search for words of wisdom and comfort. I click on some new ones and it leads me to the forum, “Setting Them Free,” it is an archived thread. They claim MLC is a crutch and what difference does it make if somebody says they don’t love you anymore and they want something else? Why do you want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with you? They said one of you has to leave the house and it should be the one that is having the affair or wants out. Since that’s just what happened to me and everyone likes to be validated I read it and decided I’d follow the advice and see what happens.

It’s not that I don’t believe in MLC or the Wayward Wife, I do, I have one, it’s just that what I was doing wasn’t working so let’s try setting her free and going dark. At this point I had nothing to lose as she was long gone, at least in her mind anyway. It had become insanity, a wife taking relationship advice from a 58 year old cat lady that has never had a relationship male or female with anyone. Yet my wife though MC was a waste of time and would not follow the advice she was given. A 54 year old dressing like a 16 year old, cutting her slip because the mini dress was so short the slip would hang out from beneath the skirt. I didn’t know if it was my wife’s face or Marilyn Manson’s. If you live long enough you get to see everything.

I’ve had no contact with her for 2 weeks and the funny thing is that after 3 days or so I started to get those sickening feelings back in my stomach again. I moved all her stuff from the bedroom and any pictures and stuff neatly into boxes and bags and put them in the basement to see if that would help. It doesn’t, I’m thinking the finality of it all is setting in.

After no contact I got a text from her yesterday (exactly two weeks later) asking if we’d be available for a family dinner on Friday. So going dark on this MLC did help so far. I looked at the calendar before I responded and it was August the 7th the day before our daughter’s birthday that died of brain cancer at the age of 3.5 years. I’ve never told anyone about this as I never wanted to see that look of horror or sorrow from people looking back at me. Since I can’t see you I can tell you a little bit about it. Brain cancer in a child is much different than in an adult it is very aggressive and since a child’s skull is pliable it can expand quite a bit before it’s noticed.

She was dying in the hospital and they couldn’t figure it out until they did a brain scan. When they told me what it was I did not want them to operate as I knew it would not end well and it would just grow back. My distraught wife wanted to do it so I was overruled. I’ve never complained and I supported her decision, she was the mother it was hers to make. It was so traumatic we don’t talk about it much to this day. Cancer does not run in either side of our family they think it might have been something in the environment she was exposed to. She survives the first surgery and now they want to do a second one. By this time I have looked what she has up on the internet and there is no cure or treatment for it.

This time I try and convince my wife not to let them do it but the doctors convince her otherwise. I tell the chief surgeon I know what this is and there is no treatment or cure, he tells me she can live till she’s 14. I don’t know why he’s lying but he is. At one point I think it’s for the tissue samples they take and send to a Palo Alto university that they were kind enough to send a bill for. They do the second one and the surgeon has a big smile on his face as he tells me they remove so much of it the whole brain moves forward. This surgery leaves her blind, unable to speak, walk and basically in a coma and has to feed through a tube in her stomach and tubes in her chest for some sort of medicine. So she’s sent home to die and I have to wait for the tumor to grow back and kill her. Takes about a couple of months or so, could have been six I don’t remember. That’s all I want to say about it except next time you meet a lottery winner don’t be so sure they are leading a charmed life. The odds of getting this may be the same as the lottery. Please don’t feel sorry for me as it wasn’t anybody’s fault and I don’t want this to define who I am. It was 21 years ago. So while an MLC wife is bad it’s not the worst thing that can happen to you. I guess that’s a positive that’s taken 21 years to appear.

This is the one reason why I’ve been so patient with my wife, not that we had a child that died but that I was not there for her, I fell to pieces watching this play out. I drank and took valium every day as I watched her slowly die, I could not handle it. She was stronger than I was at that time. So I feel I owe her but at some point I have to draw the line. Either you want to be with me or you don’t. We have to move forward or call it quits.

Okay here is the part where I need the advice:
I stare at the calendar and I don’t know what to say. On one hand I don’t want to make the road back too hard but I’m also tired of being played. This could be another MLC game. I think about it for an hour and I text back and say, “I think everyone is available Friday.” Next text from her, “Ok I will come from work and stay over if you’re ok with sleeping on the couch.” WTF? Now I’m thinking I’ve been played when a third text comes in and says, “Just want to be at home on her birthday.” I feel I’m in a tough spot as going dark was working but how can I say no? I guess it’s good sign she still thinks of this as home.

I think there is more to this story than she’s letting on but would it really kill me to spend one night on the sofa if she does just want to be with us during this difficult time? I wanted to go dark and see if she’d miss us. I wanted to let her see living with anybody 24/7 is not easy. The girl she’s living with also works in her department so I wanted her to see her all day and all night when she got home. It’s easy to stay with some buddies for a few days a week but 24/7? She has a new car and I wanted it to sit out all day in the sun and the winters here in the North East are brutal on cars. I don’t want to punish her but I wanted her to see how much I did for her. She told me once if she ever had to put gas in her car she’d divorce me. I also wanted her to spend more time with this other guy and see if it was as much fun as she thought it would be.

I don’t think I can refuse her but I’d feel stupid if this was another ploy to stop by and stay over whenever she felt like it. That would be the opposite of what I’m trying to accomplish. It might be good for her to see I’ve moved all her stuff into the basement, shampoo and all. She might think I’m moving on without her. I really don’t want to file right now, I just want to be left alone in the house for a while, go dark even though it hurts and see if she misses me.

So that’s my story so far. I read the books but did not follow the advice very well. Killing her with kindness did not work. Are there any Wayward Wives or tough love advocates out there with any advice?

Thanks for taking the time to reply to me. I wanted to post my entire story before replying to anyone. I know replay can last a long time and they may not do it in order. It’s strange to see it play out the same though. Sometimes she’s an adult and sometimes a teenager, I can now tell by the change or glassy look in her eyes. I have finally taken steps to protect my assets. I have opened new accounts in my name only and transferred the money so she has no access to it.

Thanks for replying to me. I did read the books but I did a bad job on following them. My wife is so smart that I thought I could rationalize with her and show her she was in a MLC. Big mistake. After 1.5 years of being stepped on I finally decided to drop the rope, set her free and see if she comes back. This is a long as I could take the rollercoaster ride.

The books give some good advice. Moving forward and having some self respect will help you heal. You cannot share what you learn with the MLC'er. They have to go through it and it can take them years.

Hi Karma12,
Thanks for posting again. I read your thread last night. In my location I put North East as it’s easy to do an internet search but I live in Canada as well, in the Toronto GTA area. I was born in Edinburgh and lived there until I was 12. Both my parents were alcoholics with the angry dad thrown in. I think that’s was the standard package for Scottish parents back when I was born.

Of course I made the mistake of sharing what I learned about MLC’ers. I thought if anybody could see it they could fix it, seemed obvious to me. I thought it would be the same as pointing at all the empty bottles and saying, “Maybe you’re drinking too much.” For sure I need to work on my self respect and set a better example for my children. You can only be pathetic for so long. I know you don’t have a complete resolution to your situation but I’d be happy to be where you are now. Stay strong.