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Originally Posted By: kyrie
I keep saying we need to start from here, not stay stuck in the past. But I know he needs to see it, not just hear it.

He's the one who keeps coming to me with this stuff - I don't pursue it. But I do answer him, mostly to validate, but sometimes to keep communications open. That's what he always comes back to: communication and me trying to manipulate or set the direction for the comms.
I think I've been somewhat consistent. The only thing that has softened is my physical affection...

Just had another thought... my GAL includes chatting w/friends. That's made him rather nervous (questions, irritation when I get a text, etc.) Maybe that's part of what makes him feel manipulated.

Remind me - your focus is where?


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kyrie Offline OP
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I was clarifying based on previous posters' comments. My focus is "us". I know you're gonna say it needs to be on "me".


Me: 42, H: 38
Married: 12 years (second M for me)
14D, 9D
2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC

At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
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Originally Posted By: kyrie
I know you're gonna say it needs to be on "me".

Well then?


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kyrie Offline OP
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Well, what about when he comes to me and opens up & wants to talk about things??


Me: 42, H: 38
Married: 12 years (second M for me)
14D, 9D
2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC

At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
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Listen.

Validate.

Listen some more.

You're looking for a quick fix.

Sorry to tell you but ....


Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
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kyrie Offline OP
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yes... yes.... guess I need to feel like the hemmoraging has stopped, or the free fall. Sometimes it does but maybe I'm fooling myself.

He asks questions - that's where I can't just validate. He expects an answer.


Me: 42, H: 38
Married: 12 years (second M for me)
14D, 9D
2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC

At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
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Originally Posted By: kyrie
He expects an answer.

Whoa!!!!

Hello, alarm bells ....

Maybe it's just me but that doesn't sound like a healthy conversation between adults.


Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
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kyrie Offline OP
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?
When you ask an important question don't you expect/hope to be answered & not ignored??


Me: 42, H: 38
Married: 12 years (second M for me)
14D, 9D
2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC

At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
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I never said ignore.

Sorry, I'm in the process of going back and reading your prior thread to understand your sitch better.

Have you ever heard of Boundaries?


Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
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kyrie Offline OP
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As in, a book? Or just personal boundaries?


Me: 42, H: 38
Married: 12 years (second M for me)
14D, 9D
2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC

At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
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