Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers All About Me?! Scared!

HI V! I could validate his want to go out and state I was asked to work extra hours and ask if he could be home early.

ex: H I was asked to work overnight tonight. I know it is important for you to have time with your friends. I would like to work would it be possible for you to be home around 5 so I could nap before work?

Tubing-(also known as inner tubing, "bumper tubing" or even toobing) is a recreational activity where an individual rides on top of an inner tube, either on water, snow, or through the air. The tubes themselves are also known as "donuts" or "biscuits" due to their shape. This is the internet definition

Essentially they put an inner tube on the river and float down it! Not exactly the smartest thing to do but hey I never said he was smart lol

I am not the best with wording.

I would simply say " I am working tonight, can you please be home around 5 so I can prepare for it"

If he says "no" then what is your fall back answer.?

That is when validation comes in " I understand you are planning to be with your friends and it's difficult for you and frustrating. I am working and would like you to be here for 5 please"

Then "are you prepared to split the cost of a babysitter?" Or " shall I ask xyz?"

If he says "yes ok" then "thank you".

V

Fall back answer: I understand it is important for you to go out with friends and I understand it is interfering with plans that you had previously made and I am sure that is frustrating. Could you let me know when you could be home or would you be willing to pay for a babysitter?

Would this work?

Does he have plans that are definite?

You need to be out by 7 or thereabouts? Is the alternative you stay home?

Reflect back what he says then restate and ask for help paying for baby sister. Let him decide and then book thebabysister if needs be.

V

I am sure they are definite to him. He is unreliable to be on time. He said he was going tubing. He got off the river at 530 yet didnt leave friend/OW house until after 9. He did not say he was hanging out after that in fact I informed him kids would be home around 2:30! His D and mine. I know I should have no expectations but I did have the expectation that since he was out for 5 hours with her he would come home and spend some time with his kid(s). I told him I was tired of being disrespected in the sense that he said he was going tubing and did not even respect me enough to let me know he would be gone all night. I feel the respectful thing is to let me know if H will be home later. No he did not give me an exact time but it would be assumed he would not be on the river after dusk! therefor I would expect him home for dinner. I understand we are not together and I am not his mother but I am sitting at home watching his kid and my kid a little respect of I will be late or plans changed I do not feel should be to much.

Cycle He is vague on plans-changes plans-stays out way later than he says he will-I get upset as I set expectations-argument ensues as I feel disrespected

how to fix this? Remember that at this time he is not the same person I knew before. He is not in a spot where he feels he should have to be responsible. No expectations. Remind myself I CHOOSE to watch kids and I know his priorities are OW and not kids I can not control that!

Be straight just ask without expectation.

would a regular schedule help? An online diary, HeavyD has one.

Otherwise you need posters with children to help you on this one.

V

There is no schedule He tells me what he is going to do when he is going to do it and then says if you dont want to watch the kids I will take them with me and OW. We still LIve together so we do not share time! I just need to choose to remember he is in a fog and does not care how anyone else feels. I will choose to do what is best for me and the kids and do my best to leave him out of it. I will choose next time to let him know if I require something for him

4my

Please realise you have no need to do or to be anything. There is a saying have you should on yourself today. You can chose instead, that way your mind will not resist the actions you take.

V

I need a more positive less confrontational way to handle him going out all of the time! It's resentment not anger he is going out! This is a vicious cycle I cause! He says he is going out I start nagging about him being home with us he states he doesnt care doesn't need to spend time with me and that I have all the restrictions in place about him taking the kids so it's my fault! I will choose to break this cycle! Any good ways to handle this? He did ask if I had plans I said I'm not sure that's the truth!

People don't do things for no reason. You are obviously getting something out of these interactions with your WAH. Since he's not changing his behavior it's not that it's effective. Yet you feel compelled to keep doing this. You've tried to stop and have struggled, so there is something compulsive about it.

It's like the woman that was found licking her walls. She was addicted to licking her walls and couldn't figure out why. Turns out she had a vitamin deficiency that was in the plaster in her walls, and her body knew it even though she didn't understand it.

Since will power is failing, maybe get to the root. What are you getting out of this? Maybe if you meet that need some other way you'll be able to stop.