Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers have i been making mistaked too long. part 2

tkd,

Make yourself relax. Have you ever meditated before. If not, look up how to do it. When I was going through the worst parts early on and it was unbearable I would make myself meditate. Do not call her. This is really hard, I know. The pot smoking and her health are not the issue right now. However, both of things are allowing you to feel anger and that can be a good thing.

Someone told me recently, Anger is best used as a shield, not as a sword.

Breathe, you can get through this day.

dwh,

My W has always had a job but she has never made much money. Every little bit helps but I am the main bread winner. She has also always drank and smoke pot from the very beginning. I also smoked pot for years. When we started having kids and as my career was taking off I had to stop smoking due to frequent drug testing. She would not stop. She even had me go get it for her. I don't know how much you know about addiction, but trying to stay clean when you still have to get it for your wife is extremely difficult. I could have continued and I would have lost my job and she would have lost the life style that she now enjoys.

At this point its the drinking that really scares me. Obviously I love this woman or I wouldn't be on this site. It worries me with her family history that she has cause severe damage to her liver.

On top of that Im afraid if I left it would only get worse and my children would not be in a safe place. She is a good mother and a functioning alcoholic but it would only take one bad drunken decision to get in the car with our kids. I just want us to get over this and start to heal years of damage.

whyus,

Thanks,

I have never been able to meditate. Im not sure even how to go about it. I just so sick of feeling guilty and beating myself up. I don't deserve it. Im a loyal person and have worked hard to carve out a life that my children would be proud of only to have this cold, bitter, selfish stranger pull the rug out from under me. I, through feeling guilty. I have done the best I knew how at the time.

Take some time out here. Drugs is a non starter. That needs to stop pronto. Think about your kids. You need to just have some time alone to calm down. Don't worry, we've all done it, but cry to yourself, not your W. Re-read sandi2's rules. She was a WAS, so she knows better than most what turns a woman back on.

The whole point of this, as I see it, is that your W has decided to go. She no longer feels any need for you. That isn't the end. You need to entice her back. She needs to see the person she wanted all those years ago. Things get tough, circumstances and people change, but you need to show her that leaving you isn't the answer. You need to be the better person. Confident, strong, happy. You'll see a change in your W as you display these tendencies. Watch out for the trap I fell into; misunderstanding your W's anger for defeat. the anger is when she is losing control and you are getting back up off the floor.

Keep going. Re-read the rules. Get the book - skip past the first section and get into strategies. Look at other people's sitch's and see the mistakes (hey, I've made dozens!) and don't do anything again, that didn't work first time. Did crying and pleading work? No - so don't do it again.

Huddy,

I should have been more clear. I have not went to get drugs for her in 5 or so years. I don't know where she gets it now. However, I know she is still using pot. I can smell it in my garage sometimes. I found it about 4 months ago and I threw it out. She was very angry with me.

This is the worst part of the day for me. It's almost time to go home. I have a very stressful job and even if I follow the rules I'm like a ghost in my home. Trying to stay away from the W is hard to do. And when I see her I want to try the things that I know don't work. I have to be strong and patient, take it a day at a time and maybe thing will ease up on me.

This year has been tough for many reasons. My father was diagnosed with cancer, my brother is going to jail, my niece is living in a group home, my car engine blew up, and my wife wants a divorce. It seems that God is sending me a message.

Thank you all so much for being supportive. I'm sure it gets old for the veterans to repeat the same things over and over. GOD BLESS YOU ALL.

To meditate is to let the mind do whatever it wants to do without reacting, but clearly observing it - sounds easy, but it isnt.

Sit on a sofa or on a chair, or simply lay down on the floor. Close your eyes gently, and softly bring your attention to the in and out breath, whether it be at the nostrils or the abdomen going up and down.

Let the breath happen naturally, do not change it or force it, simply feel the PHYSICAL SENSATIONS of breathing in and out, you do not need to do anything for it to happen.

Your may find lots of thoughts and agitation, that is normal, simply let go of trying to control what you feel or think, but refocus your attention on your breathing again.

You may set a timer for 5-10 mins or longer, or simply do this for a while until you are done.

Try to think of this like training a small puppy - every time it wanders away into thoughts of future or past, or anything else, simply bring it gently to the breath again, with patience and persistence.

Thanks I'm going to try that as soon as the kids are in bed

So last night went well. The kids start school this morning and getting them to bed on time was tough. Mainly the S7. Little to no contact with the W other than kid stuff. I sure hope im doing the right thing. The DBing seems weird and since I have started the LRT it feels like she is pulling away more. She has been nice and hasn't started any fights but still it feels like she is getting farther away.
This LRT feels like the exact opposite of what im supposed to do. I know that what I was doing wasn't working but im afraid she will think I don't care anymore. If nothing else, the kids are better off because we have not been arguing. I have about 3.5 months before I have to travel for work. I sure hope things start to work out before then.
I know im getting ahead of myself and need to have patients but I wish I could see that the LRT is working and it is bringing her closer to me.

Maybe she is getting farther away however this is the right path.
This is the only way you MIGHT get your marriage back.
She is going to test these changes you have made, to see if they are real.
Right now she may not believe them.
Sounds like you don't believe them either.

Its OK to fake it until you make it.
However you must make the changes for real.

That you are not fighting is a good thing.

Keep on this path.