Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers All About Me?! Scared!

Yeah, it does sound like there's room to improve on communicating schedules...but for now who cares. This is OUTSTANDING progress!

Keep that "choosing" mantra up. It is SO powerful. It focuses you on you, empowers you to control your life, and challenges you to examine your motives (as you have been doing).

This is the early stages, but if you can stay on this path you will be a woman only a fool would leave. I can already see a difference.

Painter you were exactly right. His reaction was you never told me I can do whatever I want I don't have to tell you anything and I am tired of you saying I am disrespectful. Of course it turned into an argument AGAIN. So I started looking for a pattern and here it is.

I did not say what I wanted, When I returned his call he did not answer, Sent text at 9 saying I needed to work, called him he answered and of course I started in on respect and letting me know what is going on (becoming the victim) he hangs up on me I call twice he comes home asks calmly if I would like to talk I start back in on respect turns into argument ending with him saying here we go again right back where we were!

So pattern I did not directly say what I needed, I got anxious when he did not answer which turned to anger, I did not control those emotions, I made myself into the victim and him into the villian, argument, now we are no longer talking tonight.

How am I going to work to change this cycle?
I am going to talk to dr and IC about anxiety and how I can help with that. (medication and self help)
I will ask directly for what I want

Lesson learned

cycles we have
1. we date for a year or two it ends we dont talk for a few months become best friends again cant live without each other try again and it repeats itself

2. We always start our relationship with cheating on either his partner or mine

3. It always ends with H cheating on me and he ALWAYS tries to make a relationship out of it (mind reading: so he does not feel guilty??)

4. We both always say we are not coming back

5. Current cycle. We get along for a few weeks ML a few times fight dont talk or ML for a few days to two weeks then we ML get along for a few weeks and it continues

6. We get together both want to be there I become controlling and he wants out

7. I keep my finger on everything he does, says, ect

8. codependency cycle

Your self-insights are really coming with lightning speed! I think you have so much going for you with your ability to look at all of this in such a constructive manner.

And I'm getting some insights from you that I think I can relate to my H, who I believe reacts in a similar way to you. I'm direct about saying what I need, so it's hard for me to really understand that it can be difficult to do that.
I know that when I have situations like these with H, I sometimes feel like he's setting me up for failure - I can't win because he didn't tell me what he needed or wanted or was unhappy with, but then resents me for not doing whatever it is, right. He experiences what I perceive as emotional flooding and gets very angry and verbally loud.

It's hard to keep a PMA when you are exposed to someone treating you the way your BF is. He *is* disrespectful - but I doubt he's going to admit it to you. You have every right to be angry, but you won't be able to talk him into treating you right, so anger is probably not going to get you anywhere with that.

What helped me most when I was emotionally overwhelmed, was go to my room and journal. Writing down my emotions helped me not confront H, and it gave me time to calm down. I bought a journal just for this purpose. I also write if I can't sleep at night.

If I get angry to where I want to break something, I leave and go for a drive, to the store or to treat myself to an ice cream. Getting away gives me time to calm down and do something distracting.

Music helps me, too - it has an amazing impact on the mood, and aromatherapy oils can calm you down in a minute. I used a blend of lavender, bergamot and ylang ylang on my pillow to help me sleep when I couldn't, and when I was anxious during the day. I hope maybe some of these strategies can help you!

HI Painter. That is me I do not ask for what I need I try to handle everything myself and then resent him because I have to do it all. Example I say I will watch the kids whenever so they are not in the middle yet I get mad when he does not spend time with them even though he would take them with him Its me not wanting them in the situation. Or like tonight he said he was going tubing not hanging out so I was upset he did not let me know technically we are no longer together as he is saying he is official with OW so its really none of my business plus just makes me more upset anyways! I will CHOOSE to start journaling my feelings and finding other distractions. I will also be making a DR appointment to see about something for anxiety just to help me get through some of the tough stuff. I choose to keep working on me. It has taken me a long time to realize the actual truth not just say the words I can only control me I can not save this R by myself i can not control H I can not control anyone but ME! I choose to learn to control my emotions and keep reading!

4, this is brilliant. Nice job in identifying that. It's the first step to change.

Your first post in this thread is a great one, sounds like you have some excellent goals in mind! Staying the course can be very difficult at times, if you're not doing it already keep notes similar to that post so you can reference your goals to keep yourself on track. And keep those notes in a safe, secure spot away from your H. I kept mine on my phone.



WOAH hang on a sec! 2x4 time- you really messed up on this one. Based on your later post it sounds like you know that already, but you cannot expect him to read your mind or drop everything with 30 minutes notice to rush home so you can meet a commitment that he knew nothing about. You shouldn't even do that in a healthy marriage (unless it's an emergency), much less one that is on the rocks. WAS's feel disrespected, and moves like that just reinforce to them that they are "right" in wanting out. LBS's often get advice to go dark, be unavailable, cut all contact, etc. etc. But even in DR it says when kids are involved you can't fully do this. You've got to maintain enough contact to coordinate schedules when it comes to the kids. Next time, give him as much notice as you possibly can. In Covey's "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" book, he says an "agreement" is an "offer" and an "acceptance". This is so brilliant in it's simplicity! It applies not just to business but to personal matters as well. You did not have buy-in from your H on babysitting so you could go to work, there was no agreement in place. If you want him to babysit then you need to ASK him, not TELL him. Ask him, then ask him if that works OK for him. If he agrees, THEN you have an agreement and THEN you have every right to be mad if he breaches that agreement. But in the case you described above you have no right to be angry at him because you had no agreement with him and in fact he knew nothing about it.

Whenever you have kids you have to alter DB'ing to adjust for that. It's important to keep in contact to coordinate all of the "kid stuff" like who takes them to get shoes, school clothes, school supplies, take them to the dentist, doctor, etc. There are a million little convos that have to take place and S and even D do not stop them. In fact Michele says in DB that when kids are involved there's no such thing as D. It's true, you are forever linked as I have very well learned myself in my D. When we're in a healthy M we tend to take advantage of our spouse, we expect them to do things on short notice that may disrupt their schedule. But in a broken marriage you can't assume anything. Plan things out as much in advance as possible and coordinate things with the WAS with as much advance notice as possible. Strive to show them respect for their time and schedule. They won't always respect yours, but this is what DB'ing is all about- YOU have to be the better spouse, the better person.

So how could you express what you need?

Do you want to practise it here?

By the way what is tubing? Sounds terrible..........

The only thing I remember was a student nurse being sent to stores for a yard of Fallopian Tubing. It was a great joke when stores gave her a bag of sausages.

V

Thanks Sunny you are all making me think! Thanks

Another- HI I needed that 2x4! You are right it was not respectful in any way. As for agreements- there is never an agreement with him he will TELL me what he is doing and then I feel obligated to watch the kids. Why do I feel obligated? I am needy controlling, and manipulating the situation. I am controlling the kids not being around OW so if I do not agree to watch them he will just take them with. I then resent him because I am always at home and then "hold it over his head"or use it against him! YEP another negative cycle! Next time this situation comes up I will CHOOSE to be the better spouse and let him know ASAP! I keep trying to explain to H that he should ask and not tell me what he is doing but he does not care and states he does not have to since we are not together. So I am CHOOSING not to nag about it anymore!