Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers LBS becomes the WS. The price of peace.

Z- i am not saying that we become the WAS at all. Actually what I am saying, or at least meaning, is that we are not even the WAS, the M is over, it was killed the day they dropped the bomb (In my case anyway), and even still I recognize the force pushing back on me, to resist taking that leap - across to the other side - and just entertain the idea of being in a R with someone else.

But, now, I can. And there are all sorts of complexes and guilt associated with it. Not to mention that it took a dedicated effort in the first place. So I guess what I am saying, is that I can "relate". And given the enormity of the difference between my "transgression" and her slaughter, I am not surprised anymore how angry she was for months after BD.

(((Smoth))),

their vote values-beliefs - i dont think they were necessarily that different from our own. this is my point really. that they are being driven by their feelings, which disagree with their core values and so they are insane with conflict.

Smoth - you have been so much better. Remember that. Actually I am not suggesting that we do become the WAS. All i am saying is that I can relate now, but I think I have also said this somewhere - I am sooooo glad it aint me. I/we can move on with a clear conscience. Even more than a clear conscience Smoth.

They had the A. We could've walked away at BD, medicated etc and entered another R then with a clear conscience. We went the extra mile. Once you get to that point of "open to R, but not waiting" - then you're done. "Open" here is also inline with Z's post above about being weary of R with WAS.

Damn, thats so true. I can imagine my WAW playing the R card when it suits her. My problem with that is being really skeptical of her motives. Also, the "spell" she had cast on me has I think been broken. I have said this earlier (I think to V), the qualities in my W that I was most attracted to, are the very same ones that she has blown apart. So what's left? Is there enough left to mount up against that huge stinking pile of crap that this woman has shown that she is not only 100% capable of cheating on me, she will lie to my face and laugh, blah, blah, blah.

Its your call Smothy. I have been begging you for a longtime now to put yourself first. I honestly dont think your going to get that 11th hour reprieve, but you still dont want to leave a bad taste in his mouth, or yours for that matter.

So my advice would be - compound secret with a secret. You were secretly trying to win him back by being "light and breezy". Now secretly cancel the first secret, dont think about trying to win him back, look after Smothy, move on to your new post and until then continue to act "light and breezy."

hows that sound?

Py, I don't believe the 11th hour reprieve either. H made it very clear last night that he see no changes, demise of M my fault.

I have spent the last few nights tearful. Beginning to realise that for me trying to hold on is causing me more pain. I have this thought in my head on Friday, when I get on that plane that I will be letting go completely. Yes, it will hurt but I think for my own sanity I need to do this.

I was foolish in believing that being back may help that was why I was scared to rock the boat. Since I have been back, H has given me lies on lies. I have sometimes been too reactive and given H more justification for D. Last night was a prime example.

I am beginning to think too much damage has been done now for us to try and mend this.

Will copy this to my thread too.

ok - will reply there.

Found it!

My belief is that we the LBS's do not become the WAS. We are here on this board because we love our wives/husbands so much that we are prepared to drop our veils and work on ourselves.
For most of us, we have never had the idea of walking away from our spouses, to have affairs, or to file for divorce. Most of us, just didn't know or fully understand how bad/or withdrawn to the marriage we had become.
In saying that, we the LBS, do a lot of work on ourselves for our marriage. There is a time in our life we have to accept, it is not going to work. The marriage is over.
I was like that. Look at my history. I spent a lot of time wondering what happened, how it happened, why, how to fix it, how to fix me. I did all those things, it took time, I got it wrong lots of times. But it got to a point where I could not do it anymore, it was ruining my life, my future.
I missed the holding hands, the cuddling, the human touch. I missed talking personal stuff to the person I have spent 25 years with.
There came a time, when I decided I needed to be that happier person, sharing those things with another person. The wife had gone, she split all our assets, moved away with the OW. Our kids believed we had divorced ages ago. No contact from the wife since ever.
So I decided to do online dating, using the DB principles, validating etc.
Met two women on the same day, morning and afternoon coffee dates. The morning date, I knew wasn't for me, but it was nice to have that date. The second date was the one. I have now been dating her for over 18 months and as of last weekend, we are engaged.
Am I a WAS? No, never. I didn't leave the wife, I put a huge amount of effort into working on the marriage, to save the marriage, to work with the W's and my issues. She gave up and never looked back. Me? I am looking forward.

I was replying to Zeus and thought I should include this update here.

Their is a fundamental Buddhist meditation of love and compassion where you one by one bring people into your focus, and meditate on showing them compassion and love. The Buddhist interpretation of love, even romantic love is to unselfishly wish happiness, enlightenment for the other person, and nothing in return. As soon as we have any "requirements" of that person, it is not pure love, it is flawed and doomed to bring misery.

Eventually we can bring every sentient being in the world into this focus. I can include my STBX. Including the OM is a struggle though. So how do you know when it works? How do you know when you have successfully shown compassion and love and wish only for that persons happiness? This is a problem with all meditations.

BUT I have discovered something, it hit me in one go, but the reality was I had to practice this many times to realise it. First of course start with a breathing meditation, and then bring your children into focus. It is so easy to feel pure love for your children. Even if I stop here - I find I am in a beautiful place for hours.

OK - so now hat I really wanted to say - it occurred to me after one of these meditations that I had never focused on myself. And you know what - I finally understand, after 43 years what it means to love yourself.

G'day mate, i'm just south of you

I am not saying what I gather you think I am. In my OP I am commenting on the "guilt" I feel when contemplating pursuing another woman, now, 7 months after BD.

In that sense I can appreciate my my W was so unbelievably angry. No doubt she felt this same guilt, only a million times worse. That guilt came out as venom, rewriting history etc.

Pyrite: I get what you are saying, and after 7 months, I can imagine those feelings.
I can still feel guilt now. How much longer should I have stayed/worked for the marriage? Should I have continued to be a husband? Should I have stayed married? All those things make me feel guilt at times. Then I have to breath, relax and continue the thoughts that I tried, I tried hard. I have, and I am sure you will get there one day, earned the reason to pursue another woman.
I too, still have love and compassion for the woman I married over 25 years ago. I too, reached that place many months ago now, that I forgive her. I don't have any anger towards her. The OW, that's a different story. I simply don't even think about her.
You must be down on the Goldie, I would say.

The only thing I am going to advise from observation on these boards is that before you move forward with a new relationship you should end the old relationship.
Get a divorce and mentally accept the death of the old relationship before you start with someone new.

If not, you are not giving your new relationship a solid foundation and this is not the way to build a house (on a bad foundation).

I have also heard that you should really wait for one month for each year you were married.

Also be advised that a new relationship is also going to go through a honeymoon phase.

What happens after that phase wears off is pretty crucial.