Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers trying to figure this out

I hit 100 so starting new thread.

I can't link if someone can help please.

I still put so much blame on the OW and I think that is because she never admitted her part or took anyresponsibility. I am learning though they never will.

First thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2590463#Post2590463

I don't know if the OM taking any responsibility would help me. IMO it is my spouse that needs to take responsibility and own up to her part in this mess. Primarily the A and how badly that has compounded our problems.

L1 - haven't read through your sitch. But it's not about OW. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else, ya know?

I'll try to catch up tonight.

My H did take responsibility once but now I am starting to think that it was one of those what I wanted to hear things not the real truth

Thanks azzork. I would appreciate it

Hi Little,

I am on the otherside of the world, opposite timezone from you so sometimes it may seem to take me longer to reply.

Thanks so much for replying. Hey – the quotes thing – a million ways to skin a cat – but if you do it the way you have “inline”, can I suggest that you colourise your reply. So choose “Quote” not “quick quote”. There are a bunch of buttons at the top. Write your words, select them with the mouse and then choose the button to colorize text (a big “A”), and choose a color. You can preview your reply before you submit. Repeat this as many times as you like.



Alternatively the html “HEADS UP” code that makes it recognized as a quote is simply

“[“quote=Little”]” Little’s comment”[“/quote”]”

take out all those “ and it looks like this




Hey I am responding to your comments – just thought I would get this up first

-Py

This is one of the hardest things to get a handle on. I don't know if W has taken responsibility truly, or if she knew I wanted to hear her apologize and was really just sorry that she was caught or that I was forcing an end to the A, or that maybe she was just sad she would have to work harder to have her A.

This is where the whole don't believe anything you hear and less than 50% of what you see thing comes in. Good luck!

One at a time maybe…


As V has pointed out to you we are all just posters like you. Some of us have been around for longer than others, have differing opinions etc. So basically, disclaimer, take what I have to say with a grain of salt. Secondly, around here it is known as a 2*4. I might even whack you upside the head with a 2*4 for what I consider your own good. It may not even be for your own good, I might be way out of line, but thats what you get from these online forums i guess. Anyway, dont interpret it as an attack on you.

all that said - just gently - this isn't a huge deal but your language isn't helping you. i.e. "gone for good". this might end up being the case, but right now avoid such catastrophic descriptions as "destroyed, gone forever, my life is over" etc. It aint gonna make it all go away, it is just a little thing to be mindful of, and being mindful in a +ve direction it doesn't matter how small it is, it is in the right direction.

“What you want most”. Really? You want your H most of all, above your kids? I don’t think so. Maybe you mean family. You are in a bad place right now and your perspective is screwed, and I don’t want to minimize the importance of “family” at all (that’s why I am here too remember) but you and your kids ARE a family. Your H is not being very kind to his family at all right now and is thinking absolutely about himself. This selfishness does not belong in “family”.

Being back at square one – I have never got close to “piecing”. My W just pushes harder the other way with each passing day. I cant say from personal experience but it is a really hard call to make. If you have to tiptoe around and fine tune the sitch to such a degree to get him to even come home – is this a good starting point? I suspect the WAS needs to be 100% remorseful and totally committed for there to be a chance at R. Sandi has a number of incedible threads about WWs that talk about this, but I think this much applies to WHs as well.

However, there is absolutely behaviour on your part that you should resist. This is just another reason you HAVE to detach. I will copy a section from my latest update on my thread and post this much, but I have more coming.

I came to these boards NOT wanting to let go of my M. I desperately wanted to R with my W and save my family. I wanted to bust this D. These boards gave me hope that this was possible, and it is possible. The truth though is that it is not the likely outcome for most of us.

why was your H not happy with the M and want out? You have mentioned your OCD and being pushy, was this it really. I can imagine how it would be hard to live with and he just cracked – the saying around here “believe none of what you here and only half of what you see” – I think has a a further interpretation. His selfishness and callousness are not necessarily “real”. They are just his coping mechanism, his way of protecting himself and justifying his behaviour.

So it’s like you are blindfolded and feeling the trunk of an elephant. Concluding that it is a snake would fit, but it is wrong.

I gather you have long received treatment for your OCD and let me preface this with I have absolutely no experience with this disorder (per se) but I would imagine that one thing you need to do is calm your mind. This works for us because it is what we need to do to detach as well. In the early stages we are all a little bit OCD, frantically obsessed by our sitch. I can imagine this would be even worse if you already had a problem in this area.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, and it is my “cure all” remedy - meditation. I lament that people seem to have a misguided interpretation of meditation. Sure, maybe meditation strictly means in one sense sitting in the lotus position and aspiring to enlightenment but I don’t belive this is helpful as a beginner, and certainly not in times of crisis.

Probably you have been through this before, but I will try and bring us back to detachment as we go.

The ultimate goal of meditation, lets say in Buddhist rems, is to attain enlightenment, or nirvana eve lets say. The acknowledgement is that our minds are cluttered by a million thoughts per second, and the idea is to clear ALL of these. This is of course So how to proceed? Lets try and focus on just one thing. Even this is very hard IF not impossible. Lets choose the almighty breath to focus on.

The idea is that you focus on your breath, one thing, so effectively, and with the intention of removing this one focus even that eventually you will free your mind completely and attain nirvana. NOBODY achieves this. Well that is a stretch, but monks meditate for 100 years and still strive to achieve this.

So in that sense there is a notion of success and failure. But this is a fallacy. The practice is the success, and there is no failure. Happiness is not a place you get to, it is along the journey.

Direct your focus. That is the benefit “mediatation”. Look at a dew drop on the grass. How far into the dew drop can you see? Can you see reflections on the drop? Is there anything inside the droplet? Can you see through the droplet? What would life be like inside the droplet? What would I see looking out?

I guarantee that spending 30 seconds doing this, with anything, anywhere, will leave you more relaxed, and put things into perspective – if only just for a moment – when you return to “reality”. Reality will still be there when you return and the “moments” will get longer and easier and more a part of you. It is not about success or failure remember, practice is success.

Detachment is of course the undoing of attachment. Its OK to be attached to something, but that attachment, can be detrimental as it is here.

I know with me, my W was on my mind 24/7, constantly. For a fraction of your time that suits, maybe 1 minute out of every hour for example close your eyes and say to yourself “For the next minute I will NOT think about my H. The next minute is for me.” Almost guaranteed the first thing you will think of is your H. That’s OK, keep going, if you manage to NOT think of him just once in this first minute that is outstanding progress. Even if you don’t manage it, try it again the next hour, and the next.

So what can you focus on – breath is the best thing. Where does the breath enter your body? Where do you feel it the most? Is it hot or is it cold? What about on exhale? Is your exhale quicker than your inhale? Where does the breath go? Does your chest rise and fall, or your tummy go in and out? Don’t even try to control your breath. Just observe. Minutes up!

I have many other suggestions and things to say that I think will help you but for starters just try this. The carry through to your “reality” is simply this: In the rest of the hour, when you catch yourself thinking about your H just try to remember that one minute, or one moment when you didn’t, and you were calm.

And remember there is no failure. Guaranteed you will wind up in a knot again. That doesn’t mean you have made no progress. Another copy/paste –

So – take home message – go easy on yourself. Forgive yourself for taking a few steps backwards every now and then. It happens. It is part of the process. The process of grief. Grief for the loss of a loved one. Not from this world as your loved one, but from your love as part of this world.

Hey Little, just want to add. There is no need to be afraid. I think the best way forward for you is to not even think of it as an either/or situation. and it isn't this anyway. Assuming for example D goes ahead, 20 years from now you will be in the shopping centre, smell his old cologne and the drama will come flashing back. We can't wipe it from our mind, we can't let go of something that is inside us, but we can erect boundaries.

Put the fence around him. then you only need one boundary. Whatever happens on his side of the fence.... Your communication is through one small hole in the fence for now at least.

you do need to let go, but I think first you need to let go of the outcome you expect here. OK - this is confusing as this DBing is supposed to be "solutions based", but I think DBing is more a generic term here.

Focus on now, minute to minute, day to day. Appreciate what you have, now, not what you might have later, or dont have now.

I can't say it enough - I promise you Little - detaching will NOT change who you are and your values. This is exactly the equivalent of suggesting the Dalai Lama is incapable of love because he is so successfully detached. The man exudes love more so than any other person alive. Let yourself go. It won't happen overnight. it is not an either/or switch. trust yourself.