Ok, first off, this place has been an absolute Godsend. I was googling how to deal with my W wanting a D and I don't and here I am! I've been lurking for a few days but after reading some of the stuff here I feel like I've known some of you for years! Ok, so, my sitch:
I'm in my early 30's, will have been married 9 years come October. We have 2, 7S and almost 3D. The first 5 years of our marriage I was a drunk. I drank every night. I would pick fights with her over any and everything. Never physical but I think I did plenty of damage with my words. I was also an opiate addict. $400 a week. She stuck with me through it all, however. We had a rocky situation a couple of years ago where she was having an e-affair with a few different guys. We worked through it. I've since been sober and clean since April 3rd 2013.
Skip ahead. I haven't had a job since I got clean. I've also become quite, well, slobbish. I gained entirely too much weight. I took great care of the kids just not so much my W. All she ever wanted was for me to find a job so we could stop relying on my family for help. I just wanted to play video games. She would never leave me...
A couple of weeks ago she started to take a very serious interest in her appearance. Lots of makeup (not normal for her) and take selfies, post lyrics and quotes that, well, made me wonder what was going on. So finally last week I asked her about her new found interest in makeup and bewm. We fought. I compared her to her sister (BIG NO NO) and she walked out. It started to pour rain so I got the little one up from her nap to jump in the car to go find her. She came back in and said I had to leave. I tried to stay but I could see it in her eyes, I needed to go. So I packed and we agreed that I would take S7.
We've had contact since. I've seen my D3. But last night I couldn't take it. She emailed me last night to ask me if I would take her mom to work and I said sure, no problem. I then asked her if I could please come see her. She said "I guess, you can put D3 down for bed but please don't try to stay. I can't, not yet." So I go, we talked to fill the air. I got on my knees while she was on the couch and tried to hold her hand. She pulled away and said "This, I can't do THIS. I'm sorry". 9 years and she can just turn it off like that?
Anyway, she also said all she ever wanted was for me to work and that if I do, things will be OK with us. But I don't know...
I love her with such a passion that being apart from her physically hurts me. And on the flip side, I over-analyze EVERYTHING. She didn't email me last night? Must be with a guy. She must be moving on. She only told me that because I was standing in front of her. She is just afraid to tell me it's over.
I don't know what to do. I'm tired of crying. Tired of constantly refreshing my email hoping she will write.
Sorry if any of this was hard to read. I'm pretty meh right now.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
So, if you've been here a few days, you've seen most of the intro posts and responses. That said, you've been separated a couple weeks now, yeah?
So what kinds of things are you working on? What kind of goals do you have?
Also, can you clarify your living sitch with the kids? You have one and she has the other? That doesn't sound in the best interest of anyone. Doesn't she want to see S7 too?
The situation with S7 is an odd one, to say the very least. When he was born we lived with my parents. Anytime he would cry, my mother would rush in and take him. Stuff like that lead my W to think something was wrong with the way she was with S7. She loves him, I know that much. She asks about him. But for right now, I would rather him stay with me.
I'm sorry you are here. I think you need to turn off the video games, heck, give away the video games. Get a job. She is being very specific in telling you what she needs, and tbh her needs sound very reasonable. And if it doesn't work, then at least you have a job and you have broken your video game addiction.
As far as the anxiety and your mind wandering. Well, that is hard. I think we have all been there. Some of it is going to take time. I am 6 months in and still have my moments. Lots of them. She might be seeing someone, she might not be. Right now that really isn't your problem.
Go for a run, clean the house, clean your car, take the kids to the playground, whatever gets you up and active in a productive way. You have a history of addiction and being left by your spouse is going to rock your world like you will not believe and you have to decide now that you are not going to fall back into bad habits and you are going to come out of this a better person. I hope I don't sound harsh- I know you are in pain, and I truly am trying to find words to be encouraging and to propel you forward. Only you can improve your situation. Think about what you want your goal to be. Keep posting, keep reading, be productive, don't let your emotions and your addictions keep you from moving towards your goals. This is going to be hard. You are in a good place for advice. I wish you the best.
I haven't touched a game since she gave me the boot. I would sell my console in a heartbeat but my S enjoys it.
As far as my addictive past goes, I know. I am not too concerned about falling off the wagon. Those were dark days that I don't ever want to experience again.
She emailed me earlier and asked me if I could come and take her nephew home, pick up her sister and drop her off. I said sure, of course, and went over. She looked absolutely amazing. I didn't tell her that, I did what she asked and left.
The second I left, "Why is she dressed up? I bet she is seeing someone." I can't stop it from happening. I know. I blocked her on social media just because I know I can't deal with seeing what she posts/does. It would destroy me to know she was happy with someone else. I want to be the husband she needs me to be.
The mind wandering. The "what-ifs". The "What is she doing right now? Is she thinking about me". It's all I can think about. I'm consumed by it! I've been trying to stay busy, looking for a job, working out again, but those thoughts just creep back in and hit me in the gut.
I'm not worried about falling off my wagon. Those were very dark years. I will never, ever fall back to that. And no, you don't sound harsh at all, no worries.
I also want to add that I've always given her plenty of attention. I'm VERY emotionally supportive with her. She has occasional panic attacks and would wake me up to help calm her down. I enjoyed knowing that I was able to help her through those times. I used to have them, they are horrid.
I always complimented her, always. I can count the times she has ever really made me feel wanted or special. It's pretty one-sided in that area. Every once in a while (once a year maybe) I would bring up how it hurts me that she never compliments me (I dont think I am ugly guy) or really show any affection and she either tells me she just isn't that type of person or gets mad and tells me I expect her to baby talk me 24/7? No, not at all. Just a "You look nice today" once a month would have me on cloud 9.
