Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Help for LBH who has a WW (new thread)

I still have the answer to how this happens printed in my house Cadet. You answered that for me a while back in a post and it was very profound.

Truth be told, this was months ago (lifetime in my DB process) and I thought you must be full of it at the time. (sorry) But now I see exactly what you're talking about.

Wow, such a cynic Cadet

And by in denial, I assume you mean that the original LBS remains in denial when they are told that this is the path rather than the LBS & WAS remain in denial when the roles switch.

I think we're on the same page about the detach until you become the pursued rather than the pursuer. If that is WA, I guess I'll buy that, but we have read the D is not the answer chapter, so we don't make very good WASs do we?

I was adding the wrinkle that Sandi adds about focusing on becoming attractive as a man rather than as an H, and making that a big part of your thinking about what to do or say.

And, I agree that we are all in denial at first. Further, it is hard to become the WAS if we are standing for our M, so maybe we remain a bit in denial for very long. I know that I can only act sort of like a WAH. Maybe I'm still too much in denial for my own good. Sort of the DB paradox: stand for your marriage is a noble thing, but to stand for your marriage you must get yourself to the point where you want to walk. Yikes!

Right. It's quite a paradox. To save your M, you need to reach a point where you almost don't want to save your M. And then I guess hope you have the morals and inner strength to realize the whole point of this journey, and stick it out, IF you get the chance to R. Everything in these situations seems backwards from normal logic, but I suppose we have to follow what has been proven to work.

This all sounds so backwards but makes so much sense at the same time! My fear is that if I get to the point that I am willing to be the WAS, will I ever want to R and put myself out there again?

I see how that dynamic works but it would be nice if the paths were to intersect at a different point so that both people were the "pursuer"?

In my case I think I have a WAW with a WW mentality, if that is possible? Everything from BD until recently has been all me, me, me from her end. Shows all of the signs of a WW but at the same time has no other interest in another man? Very confusing...

How do you think the 180 comes into play?
Or the words counter intuitive?

I can see a lot of science behind it now that I look backwards.

I have the same fear. After finally reaching that point, will I want to potentially subject myself to this amount of pain again with the same person? In my case, I can see trying again just for the sake of the kids and a complete family. Without kids, not sure.


The WAW and WW are similar, but if you read some of Sandi's threads about the WW, there are clear differences. The WW becomes very self-centered, starts acting sort of "crazy", totally out of the norm for her personality. Doing things and being around people that she has never shown an interest in before. Sort of like a party girl.

If your W is acting that way, then I would be cautious about assuming there is no OM. If there is, you certainly can't trust her to tell you about it. It may be someone she is interested in but hasn't become a full-fledged A yet. Personally, I would want to know, but not everyone thinks it makes a lot of difference in how you respond. But I would suggest you be on the lookout for signs, just in case.

The signs of being a WW are there. Self centered and not herself at all... I have my guard up but seriously have nothing other than that to go off of. If I do find out there is OM I will be going from DBing to DMovingon!

Only you can decide what you want to do if you find out about an OM. But just to let you know, I used to say all the same things before BD. I would kick her to the curb, no looking back, etc. The sad reality was much different. I turned into a sobbing mess, as have many other guys who went through it. I don't think you know for sure until you face it. I hope that's not the case for your sake. Because it's not pretty.

I already let her cross too many lines drawn in the sand. Whenever we would talk, mostly joking, when we would hear about a couple having trouble and somebody walking out. I would say if you ever do that to me we're done. She would always laugh and say "you never have to worry about that". Then we would both chuckle and prolly ML just to prove a point to each other haha. So anyway, she lied, she walked out on our family, treated lots of people badly... If OM is involved that is my deal breaker.

Sorry if that is hard to understand, driving and typing on phone