This is something you cannot be; believe me, I know. As many have said, this did not get this way overnight and if it is repairable, it will take time.
I would say be patient, something I'm SLOWLY learning and do for you.
You know, even if I was dressed and looked human that day, I have nothing to say to her. Maybe, "you're not the first, you won't be the last, and you aren't even exclusive now (he is cheating on her with me!)We aren't getting a divorce because neither of us wants one. Thank you for stopping by. Go away now." I just don't want to give her any power. If I talk to her she will think she's all that.
I just want this to be all over with. I have been more than patient and understanding but my patience is wearing thin now. Ever hopeful though!
Bwriter, I know I need to be patient, but what I'm finding difficult is the emotional turmoil I seem to be in all the time. Shortly after H left I was offered a fantastic job at twice the salary I was making, needless to say this upset H because stressing finances was the reason for leaving..I also purchased a new car....life's great but I'm so miserable. I would like to go to work, enjoy my new job and day with out this hell creeping into every thought. How do you do that, any tricks to getting this out of your everyday thoughts? Thanks, stacie
Quote: How do you do that, any tricks to getting this out of your everyday thoughts?
Stacie,
If I knew, I would not cry (like now) over missing my W everyday and miss talking to her and miss the life I thought we had as a family.
I don't know how to do it, but you have to focus on something else, anything else. The new job should be a big help. Movies, walking, anything. But they do find their way into our thoughts when you least expect it. I thought I was getting better at pushing her into the background, but no matter what happens we will always have a relationship because of our 3 children and I do not know how to do that right now.
Bwriter, OK, I blew it today, but I kind of don't feel bad about it. My H stopped by tonight and once again our marriage wasn't that great it wasn't that bad...but he deserves to be happy, we married young, he's financially strapped (I felt like his past life and unhappiness was my fault)he was justifying his actions w/OW and making excuses for our time together. I attempted to be pleasant, listen let him vent but it finally got to a point were I couldn't be his sounding board anymore especially since I was looking like a person that has held him back from his true happiness. So I probably did the worst thing I could have done...but enough was enough, so I asked him nicely not to call anymore, or stop by, I needed my space and although the OW may not have the strenght to walk away, I do. I know it was probably wrong but I need an emotional break and I think he needs the wake up call that he can't tell me he loves me one day and belittle me the next, I'm not his dumping ground. I fully understand he can't be the real person he is around OW, he wouldn't come off looking that great, I understand nobody knows him, or accepts him for him the way I do but I just felt like I can't be used like that anymore. If he wants OW, and she wants him she needs to see all of him. He needs to realize in this divorce, I won't and can't be there for him like I was during our marriage, I can't emotionally handle that because I love him, he needs to self-destruct on his own. I feel good only because I didn't get all emotional, but I'am feeling like it truly may be over. Thanks for listening, S
Quote: I feel good only because I didn't get all emotional, but I'am feeling like it truly may be over. Thanks for listening.
S,
I know it is very difficult, but I believe in your heart you did what YOU needed to do. And it may not be over, he may see a stronger you, a person who no longer blames themselves for his problems. I'm slowly learning time is beneficial and patience. I think you have or will find peace.
Bwriter, You wrote that you don't know how to have a relationship with her right now? I don't know your situation, but how often do you talk to your W? Are they pleasant conversations, anything about R? It doesn't seem like I go a day without tears and it has been almost six months..he's w/ OW tonight and last night (probably for the next two weeks) until he has the kids, it kills me to think about it. I think having no relationship with him at this point will be difficult, but getting sucked into his hell has been harder. My kids are old enough to build their own relationship with him, it will be harder for him because I've always been the go-between for all of them. Take Care, s
We will always have a relationship because of our 3 children (D11, S7, S3), but right now I have a difficult time with the new dynamic, a relationship without emotional attachment (as I perceive it). She wants to be friends but not my W. I still miss her everyday. We talk most everyday, but no talk of R, M and at least right now, no talk of D. Patience and time and being a better person, regardless of what happens, I have to be strong for me and the children and change the dynamic.
Bwriter, You have a great perspective, I wish I could get to that place were I can look at the situation like that. One of the biggest problems is that D15 & D11 aren't having a hard time with this, they are actually kind of glad dad isn't in the picture which makes me feel worse. They don't feel this way because of his actions with OW (didn't help) but he has always been difficult to live with...meaning he has little patience. The last two Tuesdays that he has come over to complain about his life, he has mentioned his disapointment in D15 and he knows that D11 just likes him when he's buying her something. I have always been the peace maker, the one that puts things back together and help keep the family whole like. I feel I can't do that anymore and I can't help H with his relationship with his kids (I want to) but that keeps me right were I was "the fixer". My D11 wouldn't even call dad for a ride to school today. Sometimes I think my kids would be more upset if H came back...even with all this I still love him and want him in my life. It came as a big surprise to me last night when it dawned on me that I have been sitting here listening to him cry, complain (especially about me sometimes about OW) and justfy everything that has happened in our lives...then he leaves here happy after venting and goes to her, so she never see the real him, just the happy one. Today I felt bad about asking him not to call or stop by anymore but I feel he needs to start venting to her, I've got enough to deal with. You sound like you have a real good hold on things, how long has it been? Thanks for listening to my rants, Take care Stacie
Quote: You sound like you have a real good hold on things, how long has it been? Thanks for listening to my rants,
Anytime Stacie,
W moved out two weeks ago, but the the situation began falling apart after Thanksgiving and the bomb dropped Christmas, (yea, wasn't that fun.)
No, I do not have handle on it. I'm up in the middle of the night stomach hurting, head splitting, dealing with all this crap inside, not looking forward to going home tomorrow, (we've been out of town since Sat for break). Remember when you missed your spouse and looked forward to seeing them? I do not understand any of this. No severe problems at home; of course her children love her. There is something missing for her and I guess it is easiest to blame the M and the S. It is easier to be objective when looking at other people's situation, but not your own. Hang in. Yes, we will always love them. And I believe in your heart and for your own peace, you know you did what you had to.
