Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MLC Funhouse continues

HW

I am no where near an authority on MLC .... but I did sleep in a Holiday in this year.

I never seen a progression of 'ages' ... seems mine was the teen-rebllious type for a bit .. I did see her go through the stages of MLC more than anything, and would go back for a repeat performance here n there till she shut the doors on those specific tunnels.

So to answer your question ... from what I have read (I am ashamed at how much at times) its not like they go back to being 14 and progress through the 20's and 30's ... does not seem to follow that from anything I can tell ... its more about the different stages they go through.

You will see quite a few personalities, or as we tend to say "masks". Until your h figures himself out and faces his demons, he's going to try on different masks (personalities). They don't grow up to another age and then go back, it's all a mix and when he's fully baked, the finished product is the one that you will see when he exits MLC. Now, which personality will he be? No one knows...but we all hope that they will have actually grown up, become more settled and be the person that you once loved.

I will caution you though, some who come out the other side are not the same. Some will remain the same and others will retain some of their habits that they picked up along the way. Right now, this is not a cause for concern because your h is still baking in the MLC oven.

Oh, for goodness sake, your withdrawal had nothing to do w/him snapping. He was going to snap if you are been stuck on him and on his case every day. They all find excuses for what they are doing. Some blame spouses for purchasing bagged salad, others because they didn't launder the clothes properly, messy housekeepers, the dust bunnies are running wild and yes, even if the sun doesn't shine. So, believe none of what he says and whatever you do, do not tell him things about MLC. He will deny it and turn it around on you.

Just say to him "I'm sorry you feel that way" and walk away. Don't try to rationalize w/him.

Keep the focus on you, live your life for you and whatever you do...keep moving forward.

Thanks Toots, Cali and Job-

Job-when H said this is not MLC, I did not say a word. I know he can't see it. But, next time I will validate and walk away.

Thanks for all the great info on stages/masks.

One thing that has been interesting is my MLCer has talked a bit about "pieces" of himself falling off and him having to put himself back together. He has mentioned that a piece which broke off detached from me.

He knows I know he is off. I have at times mentioned his confusion and he has not denied it.

Thanks for the pep talk Toots.

It was a nutty night.

I used to be the one who always initiated R talks in the past. That night I REALLY just wanted to sit at a loud bar and have a drink, or two ...

Going to need some help here please!

Yesterday after vacation H initiated casual texting conversation. At end told me he was writing me a letter.

In the AM H gives me a letter stating that he really enjoyed being with me this weekend. Says he heard me apologize for past wrongs/not making him and M a priority. Says he has always wanted to keep our family together. Says he wants to stay together but needs various things from me. These are mostly past issues that he has communicated. Some are small things. Primary need is for our M to come first, for me to put him at the top of the heap and for us to be a united front to kids. He wants a wife again.

H asked for me to communicate back ASAP either via letter or another method what I need from him to make things work on my end.

I know many of the things I need from him. Many of these are emotional needs and communicative needs.

But I need help discussing the lead up to BD and all the craziness that followed BD.

I need help discussing my lack of trust in him given erratic running around that occurred, secretive cell guarding, potential EA, PA, etc. To re-build I need that trust re-built.

I also am so wary at the fast turnaround. I worry it is a mask phase.

Help!

Ha,

He still wants YOU to fix things.

I agree...he wants you to fix things for him. Obviously he doesn't realize the things he's done to get the relationship off track.

I think this is a discussion that is best served up w/the two of you sitting down and discussing things openly. If I were you, I'd make a list and go over it w/him in person. This letter or whatever communication is bs. The two of you aren't in grade school, much less high school. He needs to man up, act like an adult and discuss this w/you in person.

Tell him that you are more than welcome to sit down and discuss things w/him. That should put the lid on the asap communication issue. I wonder what is up with that? But, don't put anything in writing except to say let's sit down and talk things out. I would allow him to go first and then you'll know the temperature of the meeting.

Hi Georgiabelle-thanks for your response.

Well, certainly we both have things to fix.

H has acknowledged he was not meeting all of my emotional needs and wants to correct that. In letter H says he wants to know what I need from him & how he can repair what has happened so that we can move forward successfully.

I still stand by my earlier posting...then suggest a face to face meeting to discuss what needs to be done and how to move forward and make your marriage/relationship work. Don't put anything in writing because it could very well come back to haunt you.

Verbal communication is the way to go.

Hi Job-

In letter H does say he wants to discuss what HE can do to repair what has happened. And he does use the word "repair." He says he is "completely open" to finding out what HE can do. He also says we can communicate face to face or whichever way I prefer.

I just think HE could not communicate his own feelings any other way than by letter. Surprise, surprise he has a tough time talking face to face. I know he was abused if he expressed himself at all. Over the weekend when he initiated face to face R discussion he was very visibly emotional and excused himself for a bit. It is immature for him to write a letter, but it is his reality right now. It was HUGE for him to initiate what he did face to face. He has acknowledged his deficiencies in this area and many times has said he is amazed by how emotionally communicative I am compared to him.

As for the "ASAP" part I am not sure what is up with that. My mind can go to dark places with that. But, I tend to think it may be his way of feeling like he has some modicum of control in this situation.

He has made mistakes for sure. And I need to discuss those with him. If he really is interested in repairing things it will show pretty quickly.

But, I emotionally checked out of this marriage 3 years ago, maybe 4. I know I did not cause his MLC but I certainly did my M no favors. I even fantasized about getting my own apartment (not for EA or PA, but to escape). And 16 months ago, knee deep in a crazy depression, I told my H I wanted a divorce! Then I forgot why I even said it! I also told him I wished he would die-to his face. I was awful.

He tried to reach me, tried to connect, tried to help me when I was depressed. I remember him begging me to see a doctor and I thought he was crazy. I remember my kids asking me to be happy again. It is painful to admit, but I emotionally, intellectually and physically abandoned him. I wish I could say it was otherwise but my H was alone for 3 years. I caused him great pain and loneliness. I slept on the edge of the bed like he was a leper. I picked fights with him. I was so angry at him. I don't know if it was MLC I went through. But I remember waking up and thinking I had so much for which to be thankful.

Meanwhile, he had detached. And that's what landed me here.