Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Went for Gold - got the Bronze

Hi All,

Wow I cannot believe I have not been on the board for nearly 3 months! I think I got to the point where I felt all that navel gazing was not necessarily productive anymore and I had to just get on and live my life.

Christmas went well. I showered H in gifts including new wedding ring and he was very appreciative. In-laws were being sickeningly nice to me they worship the ground I walk on because I managed to rope their renegade son back into the M – LOL

Well the state of the M at present is that H seems happy. Always saying ILY, buys flowers from time to time (something he NEVER did before) and just generally loving kind etc. But for me it is different. I am happy as long as he doesn’t want to get mushy. It seems I do not want to examine how much I don’t feel the way he does. I am OK just getting on with my life and I am happy that he feels OK in this R and that it no longer feels like a stormcloud has just walked into my house whenever he comes through the door.

I feel certain now that I do not love him. I am OK with him, I don’t mind being around him and sharing bringing up kids with him. Heck I will even ML with him (he only seems to need it couple of times a month, and I need it too after all). But I just don’t want to get mushy with him. I don’t want to hold hands and sit staring into each other’s eyes. I only say ILY in response to him and often not then. I don’t know if he has noticed this.

DB is about acting-as-if and about being friends with someone. Well that is what is happening here I act as if and we are friends. But I am not in love. I constantly question what ever got into me when I fell for him. When he does something dumb or wimpy I just feel like rolling my eyes, but I don’t I am just pleasant to him and overlook his faults. I want him to be a strong brave hero-like person. That is not the person he is, it has never been the person he is or is ever likely to be. I think he looked to me to be that person that is why he married someone six years older than him.

I do not want D. I just don’t know what my life is about. Part of me says romantic love is not the be all and end all in life. I need to focus on other stuff, enjoy my life for what it is, be thankful that I have two wonderful children and a kind and loving husband who is a good provider. I also have many wonderful friends and a close loving family.

That is why I am not on this board much. I feel like I DB’d, it worked and this is where it got me. The bronze medal – fine.


Fran

Hi Fran

I wonder what it is about your H that drew you to him in the first place? Were you happy in the early years of your marriage? Can you describe the things you did that made you happy then? Can you do those things again?

Or is it just the case that familiarity breeds contempt?

Livnlearn

Haphazard,

I think your not feeling "in love" is a perfectly normal place to be in at this time.

I think that when we finally get what we work so hard for (our S back) we are able to relax to a certain extent and re-examine what we've been put through.

Our energy can now be focused on US and what WE really feel and want for ourselves.

I think this is a good phase for us to be in. Our hearts are off our sleeves, our 'neediness' is gone, we have our self esteem pasted back together and we've come to realize in retrospect that we were so busy worrying about them that we didn't stop to ask ourselves what about ME?

I think that your feelings for you H may grow and intensify as you settle in with your new perception of who you are. The beautiful thing about successful reconciliation is that it actually gives us the breathing room to decide if this is what WE really want.

It's our turn now to choose our own path, not have one dictated to us by our previously walked-away S.

It's all going to be fine, you'll work it out to your best interest.
T2

I wonder if what you are going through is yet another phase of this never ending battle... I could have written your first post. Is it that we have lost the respect we had for our Hs? The sense of specialness in our R? That innocent feeling of having something unique and precious?

I too find myself looking and my H and wondering what did I ever see in him... Wondering why do I stay with him and whether I will ever feel the same love for him that I once felt.

And the answer is I do not know. I know feelings change and I guess that is what "love is a decision" means.

So I am giving it time and working on myself. I know I do not want a divorce, but I also know I will survive one if it comes... And I try to act 'as if' because if I don't my H will eventually stop doing the nice things and we will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I liked T2's post. It has a feel of hope and she is further along on this that I am.

Thanks Livenlearn, T2 and Optimist.

I agree this is a time for me to find out what I want and who I am. I feel comfortable with that. I feel like right now I am living in my family in the same sense as living in your original family. It is a comfortable workable place to be and in a sense a launching pad for where you want to be. That does not mean I want to launch myself into a new relationship, just to a different life where I feel I am using my talents to the full and giving back some of the things I have received.

I feel like one day I will meet a soulmate and maybe it will even be H, maybe it will be someone else and maybe it will be a girlfriend but I don’t feel in any rush to do that. My children are the focus of my heart right now and I feel like I know what to do to keep H happy and here. I do that more for their sake than for mine but at least I am living in a happy household not a miserable one.

Part of this is about detaching. I am detaching from H and hopefully that will give him some space to grow and learn too. I don’t know if we will get to a place where we can really talk about the process of how that happens or whether just by leaving him be and being his friend he will just find his own path without me getting in the way.

Sometimes – I have to confess – I feel like he is like a pet. You know kind of comforting to have around but not on the same level as a person who you can know mind to mind. I think maybe I have always felt that way about him. He is a very quiet and separate soul who expresses himself physically rather than verbally. I think when I met him that was what I needed right then, but in the long run I would rather have a mind relationship with someone.

Here are my previous couple of threads:


Little things can fix it

Some sun with scattered showers

Fran

Opt,

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Is it that we have lost the respect we had for our Hs? The sense of specialness in our R? That innocent feeling of having something unique and precious?

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YES to all your 'wonderings.' They are no longer knights in shining armour, they're now just mortal men. They have shown us, up close and personal, what it is to fail themselves and us. I don't think we ever 'look' at them the same way again.

Opt, you also said:

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And I try to act 'as if' because if I don't my H will eventually stop doing the nice things and we will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

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That statement in and of itself says that you are still living through him in many ways. You'll know that YOU are finally healed when how HE feels and what HE does, becomes secondary to how you feel and what you choose to do for YOU.

T2

Hap,

Quote:

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I think maybe I have always felt that way about him. He is a very quiet and separate soul who expresses himself physically rather than verbally. I think when I met him that was what I needed right then, but in the long run I would rather have a mind relationship with someone.

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Wonderfully said! I can very much relate to that!
T2

Haphazard,

It is so GREAT to see you back. I have wondered many times how you were doing!!!

Dr. Phil has said: "The quality of a relationship is equal to the quality of your friendship and both of your needs being met."

Could you work on the above. Your need for communication is not being met. I find that accepting who my H is has really helped me. There are many qualities I would change in H if I could but the fact that I now accept him is HUGE.

I do think in time your love for your H will grow. Make sure you don't hold anything in and build up resentments.

You are doing a great job detatching so I can see how you have grown. When we put less importance on the perfect M and more importance on doing God's will and being a blessing to others, I think that is what leads to true happiness.

So glad your back!!! I missed you!

Nik

Hap,

I haven't read through all of your threads, but was asked by Nik to stop by. I can also relate to where you are at to some extent. I mean to say that there are time I too question if I got all that I wanted.

The answer for my Right Now is no I didn't get all that I wanted. I also realize I probably won't, noone gets everthing they want. It really comes down to needs being met.

Well enough about me...reading through your thread, T2 and Opt have great insight and are wise DB'ers who helped me along the journey and continue to do so. We all get to this stage you are at once the WAS comes home and we can finally look at the needs and wants we have put aside to focus on getting them home.

I'll pick a few things out of your replies that caught my eyes:

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It seems I do not want to examine how much I don’t feel the way he does.

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This is the time to start looking at those needs and wants you have put to the side for a time. You do have to be careful with this. We can't have it all. No relationship is going to provide us everything we need. There are things my W does or doesn't do that I would like her to. They aren't "deal breakers" for me, so for now I look past them because the foundation of our M is what I want. Have you looked and examined your emotional needs? This is something we must to and work to build effective enought communication with our S so we can approach them as well with things we want and desire for our emotional well being.

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Heck I will even ML with him (he only seems to need it couple of times a month, and I need it too after all).

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I wanted to only ask if his reply to this would be the same. You say it only seem like..., this again can be detrimental to the R. You need to be able to communicate with him to find out if he truely feels this way, and not actually "acting as-if" with you as he can sense you don't want to be that close with him.

Quote:

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I want him to be a strong brave hero-like person. That is not the person he is, it has never been the person he is or is ever likely to be.

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Have you allowed him the chance to be the hero for you once and a while? In my mind DB'ing has to slowly fade away as you build a true relationship. I don't know for certian, but I sense you continue to DB, while not allowing your true feeling to be shared with him. You can't do this all at once, but you have to begin at some point to live true to yourself in the R. Maybe let him know it would be nice to be "saved" and then give him a chance to do so with something specific. He can't read your mind, tell him a way he can help you and be specific.

Quote:

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I feel like one day I will meet a soulmate and maybe it will even be H, maybe it will be someone else and maybe it will be a girlfriend but I don’t feel in any rush to do that. [\quote]

That is quite the lofty expectation for your husband or anyone for that matter. Do you truely feel there is one and only one exact perfect person for you on this earth? How would you ever expect to find this person if he or she exsisted? It is totally unrealistic. You would never demand such a perfection from a close friend so why from your H?

God places people in our lives for many reasons. I don't know if you are religious, but some contimplation on how Jesus would accept people would be of some help. In fact Sundays lenten relection was of the Lady at the well. A good teaching on this, and there are many many more in the Bible.

I guess my point to this, is that you say you are acting as if with your H. I have said it to other and will relay it here. Acting as if is not done properly by many. I feel it is doing as if. Your approach to your husband is letting you down because of your expectations. You are going into the "acting" when I feel people should "do as if". What I mean to say is that you have to approach your H "as if" he is your "soul mate". You are doing things with the expectation he will fail. And he does because your approach is tainted with that expectation.

Try for a week to do everything you would do with someone that is your "soul mate", and do it without expectations, go into it knowing he is your soul mate. You won't see change immediately but you will see change.

Allow yourself this and don't "act", but rather "do". You are not in love with him, because your are not allowing yourself to do so. You are holding him at arms length, how does this give him the chace to "win" you over?

If you have or haven't read 5 Love Languages, I suggest to re-read that book again cover to cover. Reflect on it and see how you notion about a soul mate and falling in love are keeping your R where it is.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you can have what you want. From what you have posted your H seems to be to the point he want to be all you want. Just give him the chance to be and let him know slowly how he can do that, and then let him do it. He has all the power to be what you want, let him in rather than hold him back.

Keep us updated and and it may help to list out specific goals you can to do accomplish what I am talking about. List out what you really need, and then list out what you have been doing to keep your H from fulfilling your needs.

Wow Reuben!

I am bowled over by your reply. You have hit a lot of targets.

I don't have time right now to reply back in detail. Just to say thanks. You have given me a heck of alot to think about.

Just a quick line or two about my background:

S left Apr 03, returned June 03 so he has been back a while. This feeling of getting the bronze has been because the early stage feelings of not being sure if I wanted what I had got passed, we had some good times together and some not so good. We just seemed to have settled into a pattern now. He seems VERY happy with our R and I suppose it is in contrast to that that I feel a little underwhelmed.

Fran