Lol .. hey uR .... I for one thinks the hat looks fabulous on me so .. neener neener
I get what you are saying about the analyzing thing, and I have done that my entire life. I am not obsessed ... well not like I once was but I do find when I update here that's where I go, spilling out my thoughts on exactly what you pointed out .. where I am, she is, where the M is. When I am not posting on this thread I honestly am not dwelling on it .... I typically post here in the mornings, I think back to the day before, reflect and regurgitate all over this table .. wipe my chin and go about my day.
I do appreciate the fuzzy soft 2x4 though
2B ... Thank you for checking in on me.
Last night, not a bad night. As I was about to pick up S, W TM that she made me and S dinner. You all know of the alien abduction theory ... well this is another one .. she NEVER does this .. I did joke and ask her if someone used her phone to TM me, and told her how nice I thought it was. S and I arrive and I was actually greeted warmly with a kiss. Had a nice dinner, cleaned up then W and I did our hmwk. I get little glimpses here and there into what its been like for her for the past 3-4 years. She had shared that when she woke up early that morning she grabbed my hand and she felt thankful, she also shared for the first time in as long as she can recall that she was able to hear an owl, then birds that morning... she said she thinks they always have been there but her mind was so foggy and full of random thoughts she never could just sit with a clear head and listen to her surroundings. I STFU and listened .. validated as we read our letters, seems she has a sense of 'what is important' lately that actually includes me, S and our family at the top of the list which as many of you can relate .... we all take a back of the station wagon seat if we are even allowed in the car.
This morning was good, little tension but she was very willing to talk things out. Seems if there is any mis-step by me ... say accidentally bumping her, she will voice it and I automatically compare things to the A and OM ... something I have to process through, I do not bring it up but in this case she knew. She was very willing to make sure I was good before I left ... a bit more affection than she typically would ever show and the ILY this week have been more frequent.
So .. just plugging along and I continue to read some books that are making more sense as to myself, and how we both affect the R. Rode the bike in to work today ... such therapy is good for my soul.
uR .. I do analyze .. but not 'to death'. And I always welcome and appreciate the 'real' ... you know this
Yesterday W volunteered to pick up S, I had some stuff here at work that kept me a bit ... we were talking about a family walk on the beach but W said she had a headache coming on. When I left work I realized some guys from HQ always hit up a local brewery on Wednesdays so I rode over. Had a couple beers/laughs with the fellas ... went and grabbed a delicious panini sandwich ... just then W called asking where I was, told her I was grabbing a sandwich and on my way. When I arrived she seemed off, we went through the evening routine, even S asked me if she was mad at me .. I shrugged told him I did'nt know. We all 3 jumped in bed and read Snoopy ... W seemed to cheer up. I walked the dog as W put S down. We talked .. seems my GAL bugged her .. but then she shared that she was upset about the no beach walk, but realized it was a mis communication on her end as I did suggest it but she never verbalized to me she wanted to go ... we talked through it and all was well.
A few things that have been different this week. I am receiving a ILY 3-4 times a day. I also am not pursuing .. not even initiating physical touch as I typically do .. it is my LL but I notice it pushes her further .. she reaches out to me. Another new .. in the morning I get up and walk the dog .. usually my time I pray as I am out there ... well W has been getting up with me and joining me, just her and I and we both are really enjoying that 'away' time even if its 15-20 minutes. During these walks she has shared how much clearer her mind has been over the past few weeks, and she has really been focused on working on herself, not as concerned about the job issues (Total 180 for her). This morning as I left we hugged, she told me how much she missed those hugs, I told her I missed them too. Then she squeezed me and told me that she sleeps so much better with me in the bed with her, I asked "better?" she said for the past 2 years she had problems sleeping without me there.
As far as things go for me, its a constant struggle to not press, just to let things come. My personality type I have timelines, need to know where I stand, but as of late I am focused on just living in the day, appreciating what I do have, how much better it is now than it has been last year, the year prior, and so on. Are things just the way I want .. no .. and they never will be most likely ... but I think I can find a happy middle. W and I continue to communicate better, I have been reading a few books that give some 'ah-ha' moments and explain things pre MLC ... as she emerges from the fog I see the girl I fell in love with, I also see the woman she is becoming ... but there are still traces of that MLC monster here and there too .. she does seem to catch herself quickly in those times.
I have pushed the past few weeks more on my GALs. Some of the 180's I have made have stuck ... I have shared the number seems to be 100 ... if you can start a change and continue it for 100 straight days ... seems to me it has a really good chance of sticking without much effort after that. Currently I am focused on planning the first real vacation I have had since W and I went to Costa Rica 10 years ago (who has been a dull boy and worked to much?) I had planned on taking S to the Redwoods late last year ... well now W is all excited and plans to join us. Football will be back and going hard n heavy for a month or two for me ... S wants to tag along and watch, Harley rides this time of year are always going to be there as well. Even now .. GAL's help me remain centered and give me some time to recharge.
My next GAL move ... More cook/grill time, even volunteered to cook some Chili for the local Brewery 5th year Anniversary
I have been blessed with all the help and support this board has given .. I cringe at where I would be at .. yes I .. not so much my M ... it saved ME, I think that is the most important part of this entire thing.
Just a few things over the weekend. W and I did not have a good Friday, seems the temp checks and testing continues. She sill ramp up and spin and now a days I will just let her, calm cool and honestly bored with the dramatics that follow as they have been predictable. We did make time to do our homework ... one W picked out and it was on the topic of things in our past we need to work on and get through individually. So I chose the A, and explained what I need to do personally in a non-judgemental way. We discussed it a bit and W actually had a change in her attitude and asked how she can 'do better' as did I ... was a good talk, these have been the case lately ... We have some friction, and we might have a blow up, then things cool and we talk it out. Much better improvement over the Old M.
Saturday was a good day .. W was being very nice, making an effort to be more affectionate. We discussed a few things .. just lightly about the R and the M ... and a bit about S at how much better he seems to be as the environment has been much more stable. We did some work on the balcony, W asked me to help with the plants (She kills anything green) so we spruced up the area I washed the patio off and replanted some pots, as she did up the chairs with new cushions ... reminded me of the old days when we would tackle a project that brought out our strengths and helped the other in a weaker area. After we sat out and enjoyed the space till it rained and hurried inside. W mentioned how it was really starting to feel like 'home' finally, stuck me as strange as she has been there almost 2 years now, my look must have been evident and she said to me 'its more like home now since you are here' ... caught me off-guard.
Sunday morning I woke early, walked the dog, went to my place and changed into my football gear, came back and picked up S as he wanted to go ... giving W her much desired 'space' ... I played well .. even did a pick up game after. Took S out for Shakes then picked up a couple items for the Balcony-Project. Took a shower once home and helped S rebuild the set our Blind dog accidentally destroyed.
Here is where things got a little tense. So while looking for the instructions on his set I notice there are text message alerts on the iPad, which is linked to my account on my phone. I have turned this off 3 times now but some how it continues to be switched back on. W arrived home and I was still processing if I should bring this up... or let it go. The 'Friend' OM2 thing has been tugging at my pant leg ... not obsessed but something I have been figuring out how to approach. W asks me whats up and I told her we could talk about it later, or now .. I do not want to fight I just wanted to clear some things up that have not been resolved since the blow up from 2 weeks ago. She started spinning up with the "What is it now" so I told her ... nope, I am not starting a discussion off like that. She apologized and told me she was frustrated that I was sitting down as she loaded in her clothes that she bought. I almost laughed .. then pulled out my truth dart bag and ran through my day ... ya know .. the one where I had S all day and was happy with that as she got 'her' time to do as she wanted and the fact I had been at it non stop till about 10 minutes prior to this convo, and if she needed help she could politely ask as I am not the 'on call pack mule' she immediately stopped and apologized. So back to the thorn. I told her about the iPad messaging being turned back on, which I honestly have no problem with, if she would like to read all my texts, browser history she was more than welcome (I am only concerned about the DB forum ... but do not surf here much on my phone) However ... if I was to be fully transparent then so is she. (She values her privacy far more than I do). She started getting upset but grabbed her phone and gave it to me, just as she did some guy TM her .. I did not read it but it was about job networking ... then I proceeded to show her how I knew she was deleting OM2's texts and calls. She told me she was doing this because of me being insecure and jealous (OM2 has fed her this line) So I stopped her right there and told her she could do as she wants and so could I ... a jealous insecure person would not be honest and tell her this does not work for him and walk away. I also pointed out if she felt there was nothing wrong with what she was doing .. why delete it? We went back and forth a bit ... bottom line I told her I believed that OM2 was friend-zoned, however from my perspective deleted calls/texts were not in line with the Open and Honest boundary I set back when she came to me to 'work on our M' ... and if this was a deal breaker for her so be it I would be better off walking as I was back earlier in the year. I told her there is no need to fight and get nasty, I was not telling her who could be a friend and who could not ... but I will not try to rebuild a M with secrets, lies and deceit at the beginning. She was a bit cold after that for a bit, I walked the dog .. offered to leave if she did not want me there, seems she was concerned about how S would handle that. We watched a movie together and she calmed down some .. even joked with me a bit here and there ... later in the night .. must have started stewing about it as she was cold again. I did not pursue .. infact I opted to sleep on the couch for a bit ... woke her to say goodbye as I left this morning. She texted me about what she was doing today some .. nothing big .. but the tension seems to still be there.
Bottom line .. I do not think OM2 is a threat, I do however think W and he spend a good deal of time talking and conversing ... after all that has happened I have an ear on the EA/PA angle. I am just not going to go back to secrets and things hidden... been there ... done that .. no thanks I had plenty of that ride the first time around.
I was reading a book last night and 'Cortisol' came up. Just for educational purposes:
Chronic stress and elevated cortisol levels also increase risk for depression, mental illness, and lower life expectancy. This week, two separate studies were published in Science linking elevated cortisol levels as a potential trigger for mental illness and decreased resilience
W's new Dr said the lines she has on her lower back show that she has very high levels of cortisol, so looking at this in a science project light I stopped mid page and looked it up and researched a bit more ... the statement of "Anger/stress that has not been dealt with leads to high cortisol levels" I ponder ... could this be the chemical reason that sets MLC into motion?
I too had read about Cortisol and the relationship between stress and depression. Cortisol is a hormone that is excreted by the body in response to stress and/or major depression. People will drink or engage in unhealthy behaviors in order to reduce their stress. check out this journal article - http://bjp.rcpsych.org/content/180/2/99 I am a medical librarian.
After seeing my W the other day, I sincerely believe she has depression. Her hair, her weight, her general look of being unwell and stressed out. Just the expression on her face and all of the other genetic factors point to that.
However, she is a science experiment at this point and I just let he do her thing with no comment from me.
I am sorry to read about your W's possible OM2. That would distress me especially so soon after Retouvaille. How are you coping?
Yeah I was just reading a book about dealing with anger after an affair .... things I am processing and ya know ... doing 'me' work and read about that, then recalled W said her PT noticed it and mentioned it ... seemed to have a couple dots to connect and not that one can make sense of the MLC I did/am thinking about how that certainly could create that 'alien being' thing we all know to well.
As far as OM2, OM is really a bad term. She worked with him a few years ago and seems he has been a friend she has leaned on during the A (I was aware of the friendship prior to BD), asking questions about OM1 trying to make sense of things ... OM2 has told W that OM1 was a 'player' from the start. I do not have a problem with him as far as friends go .. but sure I am a bit more alert and curious to his motivations ... he recently is single, does the gym thing often as his GAL. If W and he meet up and work out at the gym (he trains) I have no issue as I told W ... but if I happen to be out and discover they had lunch without her letting me know .. yeah that looks/sounds shady ... and thats what I discussed with W, its more about the OPEN/HONEST policy than it is about OMs ... as I told her , she could easily had gone for OM2 if she wanted but she opted to try to save her marriage ... and one of those things we need to work on is trust ... which I have very little with her at the moment. I stole the Robx train of thought and told W I was not going to waste energy and time making sure she was being honest and faithful ... that life would not work for me ... however if I do stumble on something hidden, lied about, deleted .. that too is not a relationship I wish to be in.
So .. seed/boundary planted and its a wait and see for me.
She did call me up to discuss some trivial 401k stuff ... temp check to see if I was upset I think, I was PMA and going about my work day. Still approaching this with the DB mindset thank goodness ... Cali 1.0 would have been a wreck.
Good points. It would be a lifes work to go about monitoring spouses and to not trust their motivations. I agree that she chose to work on the marriage and you just have to go with it.
I continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
I am glad to be back at work and to focus my mind on it. It feels good. Being away for a while makes coming back to work all the more fulfilling.
I still think way oo much about W way too much. So hard to break that habit and reliance. Working on it.
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How appropos...