Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MLC Funhouse continues

Congratulations on the full time work! This is a huge ego boost right along w/more money in your pocket. How are the health benefits?

As for your h...leave him in the oven...he needs to definitely bake a while longer.

You'll get the hang of detaching and not taking the bait. The more you read and see what your h is doing, the more you'll understand why it's important to detach.

As for the gold fish guy...he lost everything in the end. His former wife has gone on and done quite well for herself and his children have grown up and are happy.

Thanks Job- small company so no benefits yet. They are growing so hopefully soon. But they are willing to train me in an area that is fairly marketable. I could do this, take a few classes to boot and then find a better opportunity if company doesn't grow. They are nice people, too. I need that now. I need a calm work environment.

My FIL lost it all too. No relationship with anyone. Never invested in a single person other than himself. Moved on to third woman, maybe 4th. Never divorced 2nd wife. Latest news he has for his sons: he has moved on and is dating a 20 year old nude model!

My S12 overheard us talking about it and said "yeah right, let's see him produce her." Out of the mouth of babes ...

HaWho - Congrats on the full time work!!! More money!

You are getting some great advise. I feel like I can offer you very little advise as I can strongly relate to where you are. For me it felt like there was hope that H was still living under the same roof and regularly engaged with the children. I was/am worried what will happen when he moves out. I don't want him to move out; however I also don't want things to stay as they are. H is very unhappy within himself. My husband has now left, but not moved out... he is bouncing between hotel rooms in the USA. I have no idea where his head is, what he expects from me or when he is coming home again.

You can support his idea of the apartment with strong boundaries. The apartment would be HIS HOME. He may visit your home on your terms. I realise you don't want him to get an apartment as it creates many uncertainties.

I too have said stuff like - "you need to leave, if you don't want to be married" --- I do that when I am frustrated and I want him to make a decision. I want him to fight for our marriage. For him to commit to it. I want to him to choose. I want to know where I stand with him. I now realise that he cannot choose, because he has no idea what he wants. He is broken on the inside.

They keep coming to us to help make decisions as we are the sane adult in their lives that they can trust.

I know this is tough as you are faced with this rollercoaster every morning/noon/night. Just keep the focus on you. He is going to do what he chooses, regardless of how much you analyze.

Ok- so on vacation, away for my B-day w/H and kids. Lots of updates.

I am having a wonderful time; enjoying myself. H at times seems antsy and at times flirtatious.

Last night H suggests we go downstairs by ourselves to hotel lounge. I recommend sitting at bustling bar, H suggests vacant part of lounge.

So H immediately goes into R talk.

Here is the gist:

H wants to know what I think about M/R. I tell him that I recognize issues in R: that I put kids first, that he was right and we should have put M first. I have already validated this issue.

H says he now remembers why he married me. He says he does feel romantic feelings for me. He says he does find me attractive. But, that M was bad for 10 years (revisionist version) and a piece of him detached from me. That piece "awoke" and now wants "to live life."

That piece that "awoke" wants freedom, ability to be who he is, etc. H said he does not know how much time he has left on Earth. Then said, this is not MLC. (He must know I think this is MLC.)

In honor of Bea, I did the TED talk. H said he wants adventure. Also, to just do whatever he wants. He categorically said he wants it to be like when he was 28, again (just before he met me). He said M has been bad for 10 years and I "owe it to him to let him have other women." I listened calmly and then, quietly, but firmly, looking him square in the eyes said "I do not owe you other women." (Heard Toots on how MLCers will trample you. Heard Job on looking him in the eyes and calmly talking to him. Heard Cali on boundaries. Heard Deja on how lost MLCers are lost.) H backed down to child immediately and said, in small voice, "no, you don't owe me that." His eyes were down cast.

Then H said he wants to "live life," but he does not want to lose me. I did TED talk (thought of Bea). H acknowledged that he wants R with women where he does not have to do anything for other women, where he looks perfect, no past baggage, person looks at him meaningfully, etc. I did more TED talk about his desires for OW. (Thanks Bea!!!)

H says he knows the bond between us is there and deep. These Rs with OW would be different--not deep. H says on paper we should work. That he always wanted it to work. but he feels he needs to do all this because M was bad for 10 years. He also said he is nervous to try again w/me because maybe after 3 weeks it will go back to old ways. H said he wants to go on this adventure and then see where we are afterwards. But he does not want to lose me.

I did a LOT of listening and validating. H said it felt good to hear me talk. I told him that I certainly cannot control him, but that I can control the decisions I make. Left it at that...

At end H said he said he has noticed that I am "reliable" and that he appreciates it. He said he noticed I am calm and we can talk.

Today was my my b-day. Really nice day. We went to old places we went to when our R was young and fresh. (All this initiated by H.)

Came back to hotel and H and kids had ordered a cake and champagne. I gave all three a kiss on the cheek and said "thank you." Then H brought me a dozen red roses and said this was the gift from him. I said thank you but he turned shy.

Then H said I should hang out with kids so he can have some alone time. He went into master hotel bedroom and closed door. He came out 1/2 later for more cake. He poured me another glass of champagne and then went back to bedroom of hotel.

Wow, is he confused. Thanked him at end of night for talking to me so openly. He thanked me for remaining so calm.





I listened, validated, stayed very calm.

Lots of good stuff there, HW. I like that H does stuff for and with you, and that you guys can talk. It reminds me a lot of my own sitch.

Even so, I still recommend for you to avoid any relationship talks as much as possible. Talk about anything and everything else!

Continue to play it cool while you maintain/build the connection. Allow him to lead. Be good on your own. Realize that this will still take a long time.

My wife told me early on she wanted to date other men, but never did. Very hard for them to hide it when they live with us. You're doing great, keep doing what you're doing. You can do this!

So true! Pressure for resolution, especially at such an early stage in the crisis, is not likely to end favorably for the marriage. This is why GAL and being happy on our own is so important. Work on that!

HaWho - wow you show such patience and strength when H talks such nonsense. You are doing so well. He sounds so lost, but he must find his own path thru this.

I'm glad you had a nice birthday!

Stay strong.

Thanks ForeverYoung and Deja for all the kind words.

It was so hard to remain calm. But worth it because I learned so much. Now I see why the detaching is key. Otherwise I would check myself into an insane asylum.

Spending days w/H I realize his emotions are definitely heightened. If he hears live music he seems to come alive and really "feel it." It think the bustle of vacation fills him up too. I think there is an emptiness there that he is desperately looking to fill.

Being on vacation w/him I think H is starting to trust my decision making more. He makes a lot of mistakes/seems confused. Often he can't remember where a store we just went to is. I am kindly helping him. He questioned if I was right in all these instances but now he defers to me almost always in such matters. Like a child.

Thanks ForeverYoung for the pep talk.

I have a question, can anyone help answer it: do MLCers toggle through different "ages" randomly? H is clearly in upper 20's now. He has even indicated that's where he wants to be. Does this mean he went through his childhood, teenage years and now he'll go back again to try to resolve more issues from those ages? Any knowledge here?

H did say to me that none of this would have happened if not for my withdrawal. He says he snapped because of me.

My reality is so strange. I know we all feel it to be so. It is "progress" that H and I are talking and yet when I think about the content of the conversations I am flabbergasted by it all.

I stand back and I feel I am trying to outlast this MLC clock. He will wreak havoc; I wonder how much?

Hi HaWho, I don't have an answer to your question, but I just wanted to say that I felt you did well in your convo with your H. And what a convo it was! Thanks for posting; it does provide illumination into the mind of a MLCer. It isn't pretty in there just now..

I think you did well to just call H out on one or two key things and listen to the rest. Plus I think it is good that he is sharing some of this with you. Even if it does make your hair curl. As you say, he may well wreak havoc yet, and that is why it is important to treat him with due caution and keep your protective boundaries/measures in place. He is not your friend or your H just now....a bit like having to share a car journey with an irritated rattlesnake perhaps. Due caution needed, but you'll get to the other side...

Hang on in there - I think you're doing well xx