Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Walk away wife and my journey

Matt's right - and not only have you stopped walking, you've found some really cool stuff to look at, or someone interesting to talk to, so you've actually forgotten that she's so far ahead. You're just enjoying the moment - that's when she looks around expecting to see you seven steps behind - but hey you're not! That's when you may start to become very attractive...

I have gone down to Devon about a 3.5 HR drive and have taken my children with me going to enjoy a few days away from the home life

Get the kids down to the beach

My sister has many horses and my daughters both love them so it will be really nice to do these things

I think I will give my wife a call later so my children can speak to this mum

Thank you

Gary

Had a great day today with the kids we all had a great time

Still was difficult not to think about what she had been doing at home turns out she went into London to a food festival with some friends

Got to get the stop sign working in my head my thoughts and feelings always go off on a tangent

I know she is going clubbing tonight with a friend not something that she has really ever done I just wished her a good time said have fun drink lots and stay safe

Gary

I would not place too much stock in what she has said on the subject, b/c it is pretty much common script for a WW. I am more concerned in how you will deal with it.



Here's the thing, Gary. She is thinking, talking, and acting as a single (separated) woman. On the other hand, you are thinking, talking, and acting as if the two of you were "piecing the M back together". Those are two entirely different places. Therefore, you may be setting yourself up for more disappointment and a lot of hurt.

I am not saying this cannot be turned around. I'm just saying I think you may need to look at it from a somewhat different angle. I mean, you are knocking yourself out to be a H she approves, right? You are trying to prove yourself worthy of her. You think she is worried your changes won't last. You will probably start worring about other things she's thinking about you.......when in fact, it couldn't be further from reality. She has a different mindset from a woman who actually wants her M to work. At this point, she has a completely different agenda from that woman.

She is leaving the kids with you while she goes out clubbing (although she has absolutely no thoughts of dating). She knows she has no worries cause you have the kids with you. In fact, all your GAL includes the kids. Nothing wrong with it, I'm just saying she knows she has no worries as long as all your GAL is centered around actitivy with children.

You are doing great with the kids, house, weight loss, etc. What could you do to change the dynamics in the relationship with your W, if she is no longer interested in a M with you? I hope you will understand what I am going to say. I have seen hundreds of LBH'S work themselves into the ground, trying to become who he thinks his W wants. Then he is crushed when she doesn't respond the way he had hoped. That's b/c he missed the main ingredient.........attraction. I admire you working on losing weight, b/c I know how tough it can be. That is a good place to start in the attraction department. Are you working out, too? Have you had a chance to update your wardrobe, if needed? Trying to be all things to everyone is very time consuming, isn't it?

What was there about you that attracted her when you first stated dating?

Hi ok first time I really need some sound advice

I have taken my kids on a weekend away and I know my wife this evening has been out at a night club this is not something that she has ever really done in the past but it is the reason why she did not join us on our weekend break,she had this evening booked....

I have had lots of negative feeling go through my mind such as will she be dancing chatting to other guys will she end up exchanging telephone numbers with someone ....fear fear fear ....

So tomorrow morning I know she will fully expect me to ask her lots of questions about her evening give her the third degree so do I ask her nothing or do I show an interest but not be pushy as I know my questions will lead to...things like were you chatted up....or did anyone dance with you etc

Or do I say nothing completely the opposit of what I normally do and will be not what she is expecting .

Is there a right and a wrong as what to do ?

Many thanks


Gary

I would say that you can ask if she had a good night. I wouldn't ask any more than that if I were you - you know that there's no cheese down that tunnel.

thank you sandi2
I do realise that we are at two different points and time zones

I have not started working out other than home fitness press ups and sit-ups and things like that I think I want to start at a gym but right now it is trying to fit everything in

To change the dynamics I think I need to GAL and start to detach

I have started to smarten up my appearance the weight loss personal hygiene taking a pride in how I look shave every day nice body spray etc I would not say I was a slob but I did live in joggers and t shirts

Yes I am trying to be the husband that my wife wanted me to be I guess I am hoping that in my change she will see me in a different light I realise this is controlling and is unlikely to have the affect that I hope

I want to make these changes so that no matter what happens I will be a better person

I would very much like this to be with my W and children as a family but I know I cannot control what happens here

Yes I will be setting myself up for a lot more hurt down the road but right now I cannot just give up on my marriage right now I know she has decided to but I feel if I give up and she has given up then their really is no way back to happiness with her.

I have been reading and reading posts and threads on this forum and the detaching is going to be difficult

As to what bought us close together when we first met well this would have been an attraction

She was attracted to how much I cared about her and her needs there was the obvious physical attraction as well and we enjoyed each other's company

She had come from a family where her mum left when she was 12 and I came into her life when she was 15 I was there for her and gave her the love that she desired

I was 19 and I knew one of her friends and over time W and I became close

There was a physical attraction she was good looking and we had a good laugh together the intamacy was strong and She enjoyed spending time with me We grew close to each other.

So I have a question
So when we come back from our short break today and I get home with the children I know she is going to be wanting to spend time with the kids do I walk in and give her time to welcome the children back home and make myself scarce she does not want to hear me say I missed you she will want to hug the children and spend time with them I know she will not be telling me she missed me etc

Thank you for all your help

Gary

Did I say anything about giving up on your M? I said you needed to look at things from a different angle. For example, when she goes out, you don't ask any questions about it. That is what a man in a M does, not a man in a separation. She wants to live separated!
You are not living as though separated, and that's why sometimes staying under the same roof doesn't work to the advantage of the LBS. B/c you see it as M, and she sees it as S. It can work out, if you get the right thought process.

Btw, didn't you say she had been going out clubbing, before you wrote your previous post?

GAL is very important. It may help you to see other ways you need to change the dynamics in this present relationship. It depends upon how you GAL. As I said, you need to go out without the kids sometimes. And when you do go out, you don't give her details, know what I mean?

She sees you as this man down on his knees, pleading with her to give him another chance. (maybe not in words, but actions.). At the same time, she sees herself as a free agent.......who can go clubbing, and talk or give her number to whoever she wants, b/c she sees herself as having dumped the H. What can you do to change this around? I promise you that doing more housework (or other things along that line) will have no effect in changing the dynamics. You could become Mr. Mom of the year and she would still be clubbing (which is another word for prowling) and you would be left at home wondering when she was going to snap out of it.

I'm not saying she won't like your improvements. I am saying that if she is a WW, it's going to take more than your improvements before she has change of heart. She may even get chummy and want to act as friends. This is often when the LBH is misled to think things are on the mend. That is what I was referring about setting yourself up for more hurt. B/c when men go into what they believe is repairing the MR, they will be devastated, again, when eventually learning just how deceitful she had been all along.

This is what happened to me. She came back the first time and I thought things were on the mend. Next thing I know she is still having EA. in our court hearing she denied ever making me think things were getting better. In her mind they were not getting better between us. She was just biding her time hoping I would not find out about he EA again and she could tell me she wanted a divorce and the EA had nothing to do with it.