So I write this whole response to you Zephyr, and then delete it by accident. Sigh.
Uugh, seriously Uugh
My H is definitely a Mr. Nice Guy. I would try to show him my appreciation by words, actions, and even gifts. Nothing seemed to ever be the right thing at the right time. I grew to hate gift giving occasions because I knew whatever I got would not be right. Either I got the wrong model, or gave it on the wrong holiday (this is more of an anniversary present than a birthday present) or I shouldn't have spent the money.
I am guilty of this as well. I've tried to express here on this site how poor of a gift getter I was over the years. I never learned how To accept gifts ...as a twin never had birthday parties or got personal gifts and I definitely never learned how to express desire for something specific. In retrospect, It is complete a$$hole behavior. Also, I expected that my wife should know what I wanted...after all she is my wife right. Good lord it sounds childish typing it...but guess what...I said this out loud many times over the years (to myself of course because a good husband would Never belittle his wife like that)
Your description helps me tremendously understand what he's going through right now. I know I have screwed up, and I know that I'm trying to fix the things that I can. I have always known I was lucky in my M and with my H, but I failed in showing him that he was always number one in my life.
You didn't fail to show him...you just weren't showing him in the way HE wanted...and oh by the way, the only thing you truely failed was to be able to read his mind to figure out what that want was. You will learn this. 5LL was very helpful. You should also add no more Mr nice guy to the list as well... It will give you some amazing insight onto your husband's mind and behaviour through the years.
Your suggestion on what to say when he does something for me is a good one. I'll try the thank you with the explanation. Not sure I'm brave enough for the kiss or the hug. He's got a pretty strong wall up.
You will do great, can't wait to hear how it goes.
Don't know why, but typing all of this now has me in tears. I just miss him and he lives in the same house.
Thanks again, Zephyr. I will read Mr Nice after I finish codependent no more. You really helped me see the other side. I have said many times on here that I truly believe he is unhappy because he never does anything for himself even though I've tried to help.
My fault though was not hearing him when he did open up. And of course the intimacy issues because of my background.
Thanks again, E
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
So, after thinking about it for quite awhile, I approached finances with my H tonight. I said that I was not comfortable depositing my whole check into my account and his whole check going in our joint. I said that I felt it was not an even situation. He asked me what I thought was fair and I replied that I deposit into our joint and transfer a portion to my personal. He thought for a few minutes and countered with us taking a close look at the budget and split the living costs between us. He will get his own account too and we'll both transfer into the joint. I said I thought that's was much better so that he has money too; not just me.
Was I wrong to bring it up? It went well I think. He was still relaxed for the night and complimented me our some improvements in our S lately.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
This all sounds great, E. A lot better than where you were about it before at least - sounds like he may at least be around in the fall to worry about this kind of thing.
I like the fact you made it clear to your husband that shared funds for the house were kept together and then each should get money for themselves...you showed him that you want him to be able to do for himself....and you worked it out together.
Thank you, Zephyr. It felt scary leading up to it, but good once I was done.
Dearest E,
I agree with Matt and Zephyr. What a fantastic job you did, I think you should be proud of yourself.
I am encouraged that your H complimented you on some improvements in your S lately. Please, to protect yourself emotionally, try not to think too far ahead. You know what we say here…No expectations.
I pray that things keep moving in a positive direction. If this keeps up, you won’t have to feel like you need to hit yourself with a 2x4. Yay!
P.S. Thank you for the “extra” encouragement lately. I really needed and appreciated it. And, as always, you make me laugh and smile. Laughter is so important to us while we are going through such rough times in our lives.
Peace and *Hugs*
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Aww, Bob. Thanks a lot! I know, no expectations. As a matter of fact he's been gone since 4 this afternoon to somewhere. It's so hard not to text or email him. This is the place where I give him the space, I know. But doesn't stop me from worrying.
I'm glad I've helped you recently. you have supported so many on here so often, that if I can make you laugh, it's the least I can do.
Thanks for who you are!
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Eirinn, you’re so welcome. Don’t let fear take over. Easier said than done, but if you give into it then you’ll find yourself texting him and I’ll have to give you the 2x4 treatment. Please, don’t make me do that. And then there’s Wonka always lurking out there . . .
You have helped me so much recently and in the past. You’re comments are so supportive and humorous at the same time. I feel you have a special gift. Thanks for the very nice compliment. I pride myself in helping others, whether it’s on this board, co-workers, family, neighbors, etc.
I’ll send this right back at you: Thanks for who you are!
Bob xx
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
And then there’s Wonka always lurking out there . . .