Before I do anything stupid I need to run this through u guys.. As I mentioned I told her that she should start packing this weekend, in my opinion it will be better to start tomorrow since Im off, but unfortunately she is not, should I tell her that I think she should come over tomorrow after work to start doing this thing? Im thinking to send her this text. " hey Im off tomorrow so I think It would be go to start packing tomorrow, I know u must be tired since its friday, but we don't have that much time anymore." anything that I should add or change or remove? why do you need to be there together to pack? She knows when your move out day is, right? Just start packing your stuff. Stop trying to control what she's doing.
second thing once she is here how should I act what should I avoid doing, I know obviously no R talk, no perusing or trying to fix things, but anything else maybe something specific.? light, friendly upbeat conversation. Though, again, not sure why you need to do this together.
Third thing is that I usually work the night shift 3 days a week so I get home around 1am and those 3 days I pick up my D2 at my W house at 6:10 am so I don't get much sleep, I was thinking in asking her if she could drop my D2 off tomorrow before she goes to work, I know she wont like the Idea cuz they're in opposites way, but Im kind of exhausted. the things that I see bad about this its 1) I have to initiate contact 2) ask her for a favor 3) must likely it will get her mad 4) if she says no or sends her mom to do it, it will get me very mad. You can ask. But I'd say something like "is it possible for you to drop D2 off here tomorrow morning?" But why would you be MAD if she says no? And why would you be mad if she coordinates your D getting there?!? It sounds like you just want an excuse for her to be at your house.
Before I do anything stupid I need to run this through u guys.. As I mentioned I told her that she should start packing this weekend, in my opinion it will be better to start tomorrow since Im off, but unfortunately she is not, should I tell her that I think she should come over tomorrow after work to start doing this thing? Im thinking to send her this text. " hey Im off tomorrow so I think It would be go to start packing tomorrow, I know u must be tired since its friday, but we don't have that much time anymore." anything that I should add or change or remove? why do you need to be there together to pack? She knows when your move out day is, right? Just start packing your stuff. Stop trying to control what she's doing. Ok will do, she already knows, I will start packing but I really don't want to do this alone its a pain in the neck, I just hate packing.! second thing once she is here how should I act what should I avoid doing, I know obviously no R talk, no perusing or trying to fix things, but anything else maybe something specific.? light, friendly upbeat conversation. Though, again, not sure why you need to do this together. Idk I think that none of us will do it by ourself, she have had a lot of time to pack all of her stuff w/o me being there but she hasn't,
Third thing is that I usually work the night shift 3 days a week so I get home around 1am and those 3 days I pick up my D2 at my W house at 6:10 am so I don't get much sleep, I was thinking in asking her if she could drop my D2 off tomorrow before she goes to work, I know she wont like the Idea cuz they're in opposites way, but Im kind of exhausted. the things that I see bad about this its 1) I have to initiate contact 2) ask her for a favor 3) must likely it will get her mad 4) if she says no or sends her mom to do it, it will get me very mad. You can ask. But I'd say something like "is it possible for you to drop D2 off here tomorrow morning?" But why would you be MAD if she says no? And why would you be mad if she coordinates your D getting there?!? It sounds like you just want an excuse for her to be at your house.
It will get me mad cuz she never wants to complicate her life for our D2 its always has been me the one that had to change his schedule around the baby, which it was one of the thing that led me to my depression, when we S I was the one that has to complicate my life and lack myself of sleep so I can pick the baby up. which now has me With major exhaustion, also she is been just resting her mom responsibilities to her mom which I think its not right. and yes I do want her home, since she MO we haven't been alone not even once and idk if she will open up or say something either good or bad, but I just want her to open up to me, even though she is not that type of person. no expectations but at least I want her to have the chance.'
1) you want to tell her to come pack, because you want company or help packing your stuff.
2) you think her life is simple and yours is hard. You think she should cater to you to balance this out.
3) you think she is being lazy as a mother.
4) you want to have some alone time so you can convince her to get back together with you.
Did I miss anything? I'm not saying I agree with any of those thoughts above. But that's what I can see her taking from all of the things you said above.
1) you want to tell her to come pack, because you want company or help packing your stuff. best thing to do will be to do it myself? I mean at the end of the day Ill do w/3 it takes help me go get her back. even its means packing a whole house by myself. well it our stuff.. 2) you think her life is simple and yours is hard. You think she should cater to you to balance this out. I just feel she got the easy way out. I dont wan her to cater to me but I do want her to see the reality of things, thats its not just saying I quit and living the life with 0 responsibilities. would it help me or benefit me in anything? don't think so maybe Im just hating..! 3) you think she is being lazy as a mother. Yes I do.. but don't want her to know that I think that about her even though I know she feels that way about herself.. 4) you want to have some alone time so you can convince her to get back together with you. yeah It looks bad.!!!
what would u do different?
Did I miss anything? I'm not saying I agree with any of those thoughts above. But that's what I can see her taking from all of the things you said above.
we haven't been alone not even once and idk if she will open up or say something either good or bad, but I just want her to open up to me, even though she is not that type of person. no expectations but at least I want her to have the chance.'[/color]
You think if shes alone with you there she will open up and give you some insight into her thinking, that is an expectation. If she comes and nothing happens you would be disappointed. You wont be able to force these moments and hope something happens, it will only lead to you being disappointed. Even when they do happen all you think think about is maybe this is it, maybe something will happen now. You have to be patient and let them come up naturally and see them for what they are only if something does happen.
Ill give you a painful example. The first month of my sitch when I was a complete wreck I was reading about how these things resolve and imagining/fantasizing about her telling me she wanted to be with me again. One thing I remember was an emergency with children can sometimes create a bond with the parents and make them see what they will be leaving behind.
I was alone with my S2 and eating walnuts, he started to have an allergic reaction to them. Hes never had them before and we didn't know he had a nut allergy. I watched his face swell and I thought I might lose him, I was crying and barely holding myself together but managed to get the ambulance there to get him to the hospital.
On the way to the hospital after he was in a more stable condition I realized W was panicking and on her way there. I started to wonder if this would do something to snap her back to me. I sat in the ER room with her for 4 hours watching her text and giggle at her phone with those f'ing shark eyes. I knew she was texting OM but thought he was just a really good friend, the kind who picked up my slack when I failed her. She knew I was jealous and we had R talk toward the end. She didn't want to talk to me and didn't love me anymore. Basically told me the only reason she was even going to the second MC session a few days later was so I didn't kill myself. She even threw OM in my face "yeah, me and OM talk quite a bit actually now" in the most hurtful/sarcastic way possible. Expectations, they will F you hard.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Wow fogg thanks for sharing that with me, And I know that must have been a very tough moment that I know u wont forget.. and I really want to avoid that at all cost. and u're right maybe I am writing a fairytale in my head, and most likely you will see a post from me the next day all confused and hurt.. I wont force it, she has keys to the house imma start doing my thing if she wants go help good if not I will be fine, maybe if she doenst show up will be for the best. not going to lie I will enjoy the company but Im afraid that Im just expecting the wrong type of company.!
1) you want to tell her to come pack, because you want company or help packing your stuff. best thing to do will be to do it myself? I mean at the end of the day Ill do w/3 it takes help me go get her back. even its means packing a whole house by myself. well it our stuff.. tell me HONESTLY. Why do you want her help? Do you picture you guys spending a few hours together laughing having a great time, and all of a sudden you're back together.... Are you ACTUALLY concerned with the packing part? Be honest.
2) you think her life is simple and yours is hard. You think she should cater to you to balance this out. I just feel she got the easy way out. I dont wan her to cater to me but I do want her to see the reality of things, thats its not just saying I quit and living the life with 0 responsibilities. would it help me or benefit me in anything? don't think so maybe Im just hating..! she decided to end the relationship with you and to break up her son's family. Nothing about it is EASY for her. Think about the pain she must have been going through the last several years to reach the point where she was willing to do that. At this point, there's nothing you can do but let her make her own way. But be real - this wasn't a spur of the moment decision.
3) you think she is being lazy as a mother. Yes I do.. but don't want her to know that I think that about her even though I know she feels that way about herself.. it is not your responsibility to try to control how she interacts with your kid (assuming there's no abuse). It if she wants to spend "her days" letting her mom watch D2, that's her problem. Your daughter will only be this age for so long. Make your time special; don't worry about her time.
4) you want to have some alone time so you can convince her to get back together with you. yeah It looks bad.!!! what would u do different? its not that it looks bad. It's that it's not going to do anything helpful for you.
Did I miss anything? I'm not saying I agree with any of those thoughts above. But that's what I can see her taking from all of the things you said above.
1) you want to tell her to come pack, because you want company or help packing your stuff. best thing to do will be to do it myself? I mean at the end of the day Ill do w/3 it takes help me go get her back. even its means packing a whole house by myself. well it our stuff.. tell me HONESTLY. Why do you want her help? Do you picture you guys spending a few hours together laughing having a great time, and all of a sudden you're back together.... Are you ACTUALLY concerned with the packing part? Be honest. Honestly I do need the help.. but its not a 100% but I also want the other things too.
2) you think her life is simple and yours is hard. You think she should cater to you to balance this out. I just feel she got the easy way out. I dont wan her to cater to me but I do want her to see the reality of things, thats its not just saying I quit and living the life with 0 responsibilities. would it help me or benefit me in anything? don't think so maybe Im just hating..! she decided to end the relationship with you and to break up her son's family. Nothing about it is EASY for her. Think about the pain she must have been going through the last several years to reach the point where she was willing to do that. At this point, there's nothing you can do but let her make her own way. But be real - this wasn't a spur of the moment decision.
3) you think she is being lazy as a mother. Yes I do.. but don't want her to know that I think that about her even though I know she feels that way about herself.. it is not your responsibility to try to control how she interacts with your kid (assuming there's no abuse). It if she wants to spend "her days" letting her mom watch D2, that's her problem. Your daughter will only be this age for so long. Make your time special; don't worry about her time.
4) you want to have some alone time so you can convince her to get back together with you. yeah It looks bad.!!! what would u do different? its not that it looks bad. It's that it's not going to do anything helpful for you.
Did I miss anything? I'm not saying I agree with any of those thoughts above. But that's what I can see her taking from all of the things you said above.
not going to lie I will enjoy the company but Im afraid that Im just expecting the wrong type of company.!
Understandable, we all want that moment to happen where they wake up and make a commitment to come back into the M. Just from personal experience it never happens when you expect it, only later down the road when you don't(from reading success stories). Its better to detach from that outcome and keep moving forward to avoid the pain and suffering waiting for it to come creates.
You don't have to give up hope it will happen, just don't try and create the circumstances that might lead to it because it wont work.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
u're right I stop trying to create those moment and keep detaching, I know it will happen, but U know u always think that it will happen when everything seems like its the perfect moment but like u said it never does. so Im going back to the real world cuz I know I will get disappointed and upset. so I now I wont mentioned anything to her, Im starting tomorrow as planned and actually I wont even expect for her to show up.
