We lost our home a few months ago. My wife and kids moved with her parents while I start a new job, working on GAL, and save for a new home....my wife started having an affair and confessed to me about two months ago, (which I forgave her for). She says she stopped but will not talk about the affair. Communication started to get better and I started talking about reconciliation only slightly. I also asked where she was going all dressed up in a mini skirt two weeks ago and she got angry saying I am making her feel guilty for something she should not feel guilty over.......She then said she needed a break and we have not talked in two weeks.....how much space do I give her before I reach out to her?
Conditions are so bad, I'm not sure how to save my marriage even though I have been staying positive and focusing on GAL
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
She SAYS the A ended? Or you have actual evidence that it ended?
You don't just rebuild trust after an affair by saying "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you". What actually changes between the first A starting and today? If you are the same person you were when the first A started, she could be on to OM2 by now also.
Have you read DR yet?
My advice - wait for her to contact you and keep working on yourself.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I am currently working on myself and the 180, unfortunately things are happening slowly
This is a slow process. Change does not happen overnight. You can't just wake up and be a better man! Otherwise you'd have done it years ago. Think in months, not days.
Originally Posted By: Scott72
I do fear that she will move on to om2 or never ended the first affair. since our situation was not good
You don't really have control over this. But how did you "close" the A? How did you heal together from it?
Originally Posted By: Scott72
I just concerned eliminating all contact, will make me come across as cold...but then again she is not contacting me.....not sure what to do
Why would you come across as cold? Are you being cold? You aren't going to get her back sitting and waiting around for her. What's attractive about that? There is nothing you can SAY to get her back right now. You need to do it through your actions.
I forgave her for the affair, but from time to time I ask questions and she does not want to talk about it. I have put that in Gods hands, because dwelling on it was not helping me or our conversations
95% of our conversation is based on reconnection and daily events....5% was on reconciliation which I learned was to much, since she felt pressured even though I just brought it up casually and dropped it if she felt uncomfortable
Everything is hypersensitive, to the point where she stopped talking to me
You mention actions......is there a list on this board to help me with ideas
I have some ideas from my wife, but with no communication and her being sensitive on the subject I don't want to ask her at this time
I forgave her for the affair, but from time to time I ask questions and she does not want to talk about it. I have put that in Gods hands, because dwelling on it was not helping me or our conversations
You forgave her...or you SAID you forgave her. Be honest. It doesn't sound like you've actually moved past it.
Originally Posted By: Scott72
95% of our conversation is based on reconnection and daily events....5% was on reconciliation which I learned was to much, since she felt pressured even though I just brought it up casually and dropped it if she felt uncomfortable
What's the difference between reconnection and reconciliation?
Originally Posted By: Scott72
Everything is hypersensitive, to the point where she stopped talking to me
You mention actions......is there a list on this board to help me with ideas
I have some ideas from my wife, but with no communication and her being sensitive on the subject I don't want to ask her at this time
No. You can't ask your wife! But think about what she has complained about over the years. Think about what you want to change in yourself. Then change them. For YOU. be the man you want to be, the man only a fool would leave. Only then will you have a chance of her changing her mind.
I forgave her for the affair, but from time to time I ask questions and she does not want to talk about it. I have put that in Gods hands, because dwelling on it was not helping me or our conversations
Dwelling on the A isn't healthy for you, her or the R, but neither is sweeping it under the rug.
Originally Posted By: Scott72
I also asked where she was going all dressed up in a mini skirt two weeks ago and she got angry saying I am making her feel guilty for something she should not feel guilty over.......She then said she needed a break and we have not talked in two weeks
Have you read up on the WW threads? Her affair being over doesn't mean shes not still wayward at heart. Placing that blame back on you could be a sign of that.
Focus on you right now, whatever shes going to do you cant control.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I have truly gotten over the affair. But I'd did want to discuss it to make sure it didn't happen again....but now I realize it's off limits...so I have been focusing (when we were talking) on reconnection rather then our marriage issues, reconciliation, marriage counseling, our future, etc...
I have been trying to have our conversations based on what we used to enjoy talking about. Keeping it fun and light 95% of the time...but I think the 5% really backfired on me.
I'm going to have to read more ww threads, any guidance?
