Ralphy, one night I was home alone on a Saturday night in my new flat. I got a bit down. Started thinking everyone else has plans tonight. Why not me, my life is in a mess, and so on.
Then a little voice chimed in. What would joy look like right now? How can this evening become joyful? It would look like spending a peaceful and satisfying evening alone in my new place, I thought.
So, I put on some music, cooked myself a lovely meal, had a glass of wine and watched a movie - really enjoyed myself!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I'm trying everything I can at this point. I'm not sure why I was doing so well for about a month, and now I just have driven myself down this "pitiful me" road and I can't turn around.
My W and I are still getting along fairly well. She greets me with a nice hug and smile when I see her. I was in such a good mood for the longest time. Now, it's just absolute agony. I think its most likely the not knowing, and the impatience of waiting for her to say something related to the R - anything would be fine at this point, but the not knowing is killing me.
She's much better at DB-ing than me. Short, brief, succinct texts (only in reply to something I send related to D2 or something important, I don't send just friendly hello texts). She's got the detachment down to a science. When we are together in person, she's friendly.
Well forum family, this is a difficult but necessary post. I know this whole db process is about saving marriages, but tonight I was able to "confirm", or at least convince myself beyond a resonable doubt that W's EA (PA?) Is still going on.
This was all I needed to wake up. I began thinking about how I've been feeling lately, and why. All week, I've been feeling lower and lower until yesterday when I hit rock bottom and couldn't figure it out...until tonight on my drive home. I started thinking through a "script" of what I would say to W to tell her I'm filing for D. As I thought about this, my mood started getting better. The weight.lifted off my shoulders, I started to feel something I haven't felt in almost 90 days...dignity.
That's what I've been missing. My dignity. I've decided that I will no longer play the game, tolerate her infidelity, and be a pawn in her chess game. I've decided I'm done. I'm calling my L on Monday and starting the process.
I'm not angry at her. I contributed to this too. I wish I had gotten the counseling and help I needed for my depression sooner, but I don't know that it would have mattered. She still chose to love someone else. I wish them the best, and I hope this helps to move things along.
I will fight for my D2 and make sure she has the best dad possible. I just can't be that man for her without my dignity.
I will still be here and will discuss my process going forward. Could use advice on the best way to tell W, or if I should just file and let her get served.
"Be kind, be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle."
I agree with Zephyr Ralphy. Please do what's right for you moving forward and for your family.
If I can offer one bit of advice, that I always use with big decisions (and emails that may or may not have been written during a time of emotion) is to sit on it for 48 hours. Take the weekend and really sit on it. If you wake up Monday morning and feel like it's the right way to go - go get it. Maybe add in a D with Taco Bell into your decisions too.
We're the same age and there's still a lot of living left to do. How you decide to do it is entirely up to you. You've got a D2 that needs a strong dad either way.
Please do stay on this board. Keep using the DB methods to take care of yourself, improve yourself and let us in on the process. You never know who is watching and who you're inspiring.
Have a peaceful weekend man, you're in our thoughts.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I will definitely be taking the weekend. Can't talk to L now anyway. Scared about where I will live, court outcomes, etc, but no longer going to let her suck me in with sweet talk and then go out with OM.
Just the fact that she's doing that...and stringing me along is enough to make me realize that she's just not the one for me.
D2 is my priority in life and always will be. I hope she knows someday that I fought to give her the best always.
