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Hello Kyrie -

Read read read the validation cheat sheet. It's so important to validate his feelings. You're never going to win a blame game. You can't convince him that what he is feeling is "wrong". So instead, learn to empathize. His perception is his reality.

If he says "it's your fault were not communicating", you don't have to AGREE, but you should let him know you understand his feelings. "Gee, it must be frustrating feeling like I'm not communicating with you." This will be a lot better than saying "no. I tried to communicate with you, but you didn't listen" or something to that effect.


Also, if you don't want to end it, I don't see how bringing it up is helpful. You can't trick him into staying. It won't be a long term solution.

He asked me what I want. I told him that, again, I wanted a godly marriage and family. He said I didn't seem to care. I tried to say I understand that or that is valid and if I didn't care I wouldn't be there through all of this for months now. He asked again what I wanted from him. So I said the only right thing is that I want the truth - that he needs to confess. And the only right response is forgiveness. So he asked what he was confessing to - which made me really angry. I called him on his game (which he then accused me of doing) and said confession doesn't work that way, remember?
So, he's not really ready to fully talk about all this yet. But he did "unfriend" his OW on Facebook - their favorite way to communicate. That was huge.

And thank you Matt. I don't want to end it but I thought that was a technique... last resort or one of those. Yeah, it is going nuclear. I didn't say anything specific - I only tried to be mysterious. But it's easy to "read" me.

Are these REALLY the same thing?
It sounds like what you actually want is for him to be remorseful. Yes?


Is it? The ONLY RIGHT response? This all makes it sound like you're lecturing and scolding. Not validating. You want him to feel like you're in this together, not like you need him to come to you with his tail between his legs.



Pay more attention to actions, not words. Unfriending on FB is a good start. Remember that he will need time to grieve the end of that relationship, so he may not be ready to talk yet.

I get that he'll need to grieve. Thank you Matt for the smack in the face. What can I say now? Can I go back and say I was really angry last night. I should have said... what you posted?

I don't want to force a confession. Which is why I backed off for a few months now. He kept pressing about what do I want from him. So I thought I'd be honest and just say it.
Ugh.

And yes, remorseful...but I know you can't force that or ask for that.
And for him, a pastor, he knows full well that a confession and repentance go together. So he knows that's what I was saying. But I guess I should have been more specific.

You can say that you're sorry about how the conversation went and that you got angry. Then learn from this. If you feel yourself getting angry next time, excuse yourself and take some time to relax.


But WERE you honest? What do you ACTUALLY want?
Like I said, you wrote that you want a confession. But you don't. You want him to be SORRY. These aren't the same thing. They may often go together. But they are far from the same.

Is "I ate the last cookie" the same thing as "I'm sorry I ate the last cookie. I knew you wanted it, but i ate it anyway"?

So... should I specify that: that I want you to be sorry? That seems like forcing it too.

How is this:

I was really angry last night and probably did not handle things in the best way.
I know it’s frustrating that we’re not communicating. It sounds like you’re hurting and you don’t want to be in this Limbo that we are both in. I didn’t want to force you to do or say anything – I only wanted to answer your question. It really is safe to tell me everything. Even though I was angry, I hope we can talk about it. I said that I wanted the truth, and I do. But really, I want things to be “right” and I think you do too. You probably want to be free from all of this mess and not be burdened with a fear of failure. I don’t want you to be burdened that way either.

I'm not a vet, so I don't KNOW, but I don't think so. You can't control how he feels. I believe he needs to come to this on his own. what you can control is your reaction to what he does and says.