Update: Things are falling apart with the OW. Their private messages and friends are telling me she is seeing the real man he is and waking up. So... what's the best course of action here? He doesn't know that I know all this. Do I warm up a little or stay the course with detachment? Other thoughts? Thank you all so much.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
He won't tell me about it. Not yet. Though... after going to bed he got up for a moment, drank something (water? vodka?) and came back to bed. I was zonked. He said, "are you awake?" I said, "I am now". He was silent. I asked, "what's up?" and he said nevermind. He's a wreck. He wants someone to soothe him. If she gives in, then she's the soother, you know?
But I hear you. I just don't want to push back too hard... hard to know where to draw the line, when to soften up, when to detach all the more... Is there guidance on when to shift gears from detaching, etc?
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
I just don't want to push back too hard... hard to know where to draw the line, when to soften up, when to detach all the more... Is there guidance on when to shift gears from detaching, etc?
When his consistent ACTIONS show that he is all in the marriage. Not just his words.
He is no where near this right now and neither are you. Continue to detach.
So would now be the time to push for a confession or decision or to say I'm considering ending things myself? I don't want that but I know strategically, that might be the kick in the tail that he needs.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Haven't heard a response on this. He came to me tonight to say how its my fault we're not communicating & that something's gotta give. I let him have it on a few things. That I'm not the only one who needs to take steps to fix things since it was his actions that broke us this badly. He of course turned it onto me that I *made* the marriage so bad that he had to. Which I said nothing justifies it. And that I was so angry now I couldn't talk any more. Did I make a mistake here? The night's not over... I think I need to know what to do when he comes to me again. UGH.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
