I have read your thread, HopeOk, and I can see a lot of thoughts you are having are the same thoughts I am having now, even after months of BD and H filing.
Detaching and patience is the key, easy to say but I so very difficult to do.
Keep going, stay strong!
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
After yesterday's deal where I felt like he was just playing games, I decidwd to put a voice activated recorder in the car he drives. Listened to it tonight. He uses speech to text a lot so I'm lucky on that. He is having communication with OW again. He told her about our confrontation yesterday & he said he is getting tired of me. He also asked her about some response she had made to his "apology" ... He wanted her to tell him what she had said. So I guess he apologized for how things ended? I dunno, really. He isn't callings & talking to her so that is different. (They talked so much on the phone before.) He is not saying anything lovey dovey, at least not today. I plan to keep recording to see what I find.
I was in the house a long time while he was swimming out with the kids. He finally sent one of the kids in to see if I was coming out. He might have seen me looking out of our bedroom window (I was making sure he didn't come in & find me w/ the recorder).
I feel so much better in one way... I feel more like I have a bit of the upper hand. So what to do next?? I will keep listening but what else. I need all the advice I can get! My thoughts are to see if their relationship is anything more than friendly. I think he would already be doing more than what he is doing but I think she is setting boundaries. (She was thinking they should end it when I first found out.)
If it is just friendly stuff, I want to draw a line. If it is an affair, I think I will leave w/ the kids. Any thoughts/advice?
I am finding it easier to detach tonight. not mad, just on a mission now.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
But if he is cheating again, I am leaving. Also, I want to know because it gives me a better perspective of what is going on. I think he is no longer incredibly angry at me for what I said behind his back. I think now he is just keeping things as is so he can continue w/ this relationship... At whatever level it is. If he continues to pretend it is all my fault & he is not working on the relationship b/c of that, he continues to keep all his devices locked, the phone bill unavailable to me, etc. knowing how things really are gives me a different angle to take, I think.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
When they do that, you should call them out on it, saying plainly that YOU will be taking their secrecy and lack of transparency as an indication that they are still in contact, or want to be able to be if they desire, and you will be proceeding with your own decision-making accordingly.
Starsky
Makes total sense. But figuring out what that decision-making part is... very difficult.
Very true. But just like in geopolitics, it's often more important for your adversary to know that "all options are on the table," than it is for you yourself to really have to know exactly WHICH option you're going to take, or how or when. Us humans really are path-of-least-resistance creatures (especially us men!); when we know that you're not going anywhere, and aren't going to require of us any painful change, we tend to continue on our same path -- even when it's a destructive one.
In all my years here, I've never seen a single successful affair-bust or divorce-bust where the wayward spouse didn't first feel a credible fear of losing the betrayed spouse.
Starsky
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Very true. But just like in geopolitics, it's often more important for your adversary to know that "all options are on the table," than it is for you yourself to really have to know exactly WHICH option you're going to take, or how or when. Us humans really are path-of-least-resistance creatures (especially us men!); when we know that you're not going anywhere, and aren't going to require of us any painful change, we tend to continue on our same path -- even when it's a destructive one.
In all my years here, I've never seen a single successful affair-bust or divorce-bust where the wayward spouse didn't first feel a credible fear of losing the betrayed spouse.
Starsky
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
But if he is cheating again, I am leaving. Also, I want to know because it gives me a better perspective of what is going on.
If repeated infidelity is a dealbreaker for you, then there's absolutely nothing wrong with finding out definitely once and for all whether he's re-established contact with his affair partner. It's only constant, obsessive "snooping" when you ALREADY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT'S GOING ON that can mess with your detachment (and even then I still advise people to get good intel, but to have a trusted friend monitor it for you and only give you updates as needed in order to protect you).
For the life of me, I'll never understand why people want to insist on flying thru the fog of adultery, without instruments.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
It only gets sticky when they are just having friendly conversations. It isn't acceptable to me & it needs to stop but I need something more going on before I leave the home.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
not mad, just on a mission now.