Just took D2 with me for some "retail therapy". Was just going to look at some clothes, but when I got out of the shower today and realized that every pair of pants I own are HUGE, and I look like I'm wearing hand-me-downs, I decided I needed a couple new pairs that fit.
Well, you can't buy new pants without a couple shirts to match...and then the clothes I bought were the wrong style for my shoes...so some new shoes fell in the cart. D2 insisted that I get another shirt too.
So $200 later I'm looking and feeling pretty good.
Hi Ralphy... I don't post here, but I've enjoyed reading what looks to be an encouraging turn of events in your sitch. I'd say just enjoy the moments as they come, no expectations. Be completely charming and on your best behavior tonight, but let her make all the "first moves." Kisses, I love you's, etc. Let her know you're happy to be with her, but let it also come across that you'd be just as happy if you weren't. (Even though I know that's a hard one to pull off.)
I hope your dinner and everything that goes with it is a great success - and hey, happy birthday!
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
My weekend update follows - its long, and probably uninteresting for many of you, but if you truly want to read about someone stuck between recovery, piecing, and confusion, it may be helpful in some ways. A lot of questions still remain, but I feel as though the ship is turned away from the glacier at least.
I will spare everyone the in-depth details of the weekend, but suffice it to say if I could have written a script for the weekend, it would have been exactly what I wrote.
W took me out Saturday for a nice dinner for my birthday. We had to wait a few minutes in the lobby of the hotel where the restaurant was, so we sat and had a glass of wine. W commented on how good I looked, how good I smelled, etc. It was affirming to me. (I've discovered my LL is words of affirmation, and she really knows how to speak that language - when she does, it makes me feel incredible).
Slight tangent - W has been really good at speaking my LL for a long time - I was just too depressed and self-loathing to appreciate her efforts.
Anyway, W also commented "I've seen a lot of positive changes in you lately." I simply said "thank you, I've been trying". Didn't really want to go into details, or push for further comments. I also didn't want to say anything stupid.
We had a really nice dinner, and then went out for drinks/singing as planned - with a short pit-stop at the house beforehand
All-in-all, it was a nice evening, but I found myself really struggling to keep a PMA. I think it's still the lingering OM/EA possibility and the fact that I'm still in the dark about whether its still happening or not. As much fun as I was having and enjoying her company, I just couldn't get past it. She also drank a little too much, and started getting really "teenager-y" at the bar, grinding on me, etc. It felt really good to feel wanted, and that she wanted to be with me, and was having a good time, etc, buy my heart and head were definitely in conflict all night.
But I'm really struggling right now. I know this is normal, but I'm questioning whether I can forgive the EA(PA?), (or even whether its over or not), whether I can forgive the kicking me out of the house, having to drive over an hour to work everyday, giving up significant time with D2, etc. I have IC on Thursday, and will address this with him to see how I get past it.
Sunday, I took D2 back to the house, and of course W was hungover, so she needed some extra nap time, so I spent time with D2 and tried to get her to nap as well. (Daddy wanted a nap too, but that never really happened). Then I went and got some cupcakes and we took D2 to Toys R Us to pick out some things for her birthday. (D2 and I share a birthday on the 14th - so no matter what happens with W and I, I will always have a reason to celebrate my birthday with her, and it will never be a sad day for me - I'm lucky that way.)
While we were at Toys R Us, at one point D2 was playing with some toys and W and I were watching. She started rubbing my arm, and I turned to her and we gave each other a nice kiss. It was a nice moment - and seeing D2 happy with all her toys afterwards was nice.
Then we went out for pizza and had a cupcake and sang HB to D2.
W made a comment on Saturday night - something about this being a nice date...I agreed, and I've decided to approach this as if we are dating/getting to know each other, and deciding if we are compatible the way we are.
I was reflecting on all this last night, and I started thinking about the footprints poem that talks about the times when there are only one set of footprints being where God carried you. Funny how I look back over the past couple of months and all the times that I thought God had abandoned me, but now, I see He has been carrying me. That poem never meant so much to me as it does now.
Thanks for reading. Have a nice week everyone. Many questions still remain. A lot of healing, and a lot of time and patience is needed.
Hey Ralph...good stuff here. Glad you had a nice time and kept things in perspective.
One thing I am going to say... You will need to eventually forgive your wife for all of those things, no matter how things turn out. You need to do that for your own sanity. Does not have to be today. You are not ready for that. But sooner or later...maybe when the dust settles on everything, maybe before that, will be up to you, you will have to let all of the anger go about what she has done.
It is part of really dropping the rope. I get that you don't even know all the things that she may have done...I really get that, but truth will come out one way or another at some point.
Loved reading this, it gives me hope even this early in my situation.
"But I'm really struggling right now. I know this is normal, but I'm questioning whether I can forgive the EA(PA?), (or even whether its over or not), whether I can forgive the kicking me out of the house, having to drive over an hour to work everyday, giving up significant time with D2, etc. I have IC on Thursday, and will address this with him to see how I get past it"
I completely feel your struggles here, I am not even close to where you are & I am already thinking of this....my H is really hurting me deeply.
You are an inspiration to me, keep it up....Take Care
Zeph - I will be able to forgive her for the past. (I have basically already done that in my heart, because I realize how miserable I made her in a lot of ways.) The problem is not knowing whether the A is still ongoing. It would break my heart and possibly erase all the positive changes I've been making mentally and physically if I found out she was going out with me and then sharing time with OM. I don't know that I could forgive that - if this whole thing has been part of a larger deception.
Cindy, I'll take some time to read your posts. Just know that things turned around in our situation almost immediately after I took control of ME, and got to a realization that I can only control ME, and not her. (That sentence has a double meaning by the way - I can't control HER, and SHE can't control ME either.)
Get yourself to that point first. I don't know where you are right now, but if you can't wake up in the morning and be OK with not talking to, texting, hearing from your spouse, then you're still at square one. The only way to get there is to start reading and talking to someone like a IC.
I'm here if you ever want some help. (But I'm not great at all this, and may not be of significant help. Like I told someone else. I don't know how to fix a marriage, but I've gotten really great at fixing ME.)
