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T

Another Temp Check ... no reply required as there was not a "hey do I look cute in this pic?"

She is not used to this from you .. you are throwing her off so the temp checks will increase as well as the testing

By no means ignore her, but there is no need to reply to just a pic.
Now when she calls you out ... which she will ... a simple


T33"Sorry I have been busy lately .. nice pic" would do.
W"Busy doing what?"
T33"Just pursuing some new interests ... gotta run... have a nice day"

No need to respond at all unless it's admin.

V

OK. Here goes. No response. Such trivial little things. Feels so intense.

So last night we had virtually no communication. I got home, put the kids to bed, she went and worked out. I did my walk. We came back cleaned up and basically went to bed. This morning, similar. We said a curt goodbye and drove off.

I stopped at the coffee shop and got my coffee. She texted me asking if she wanted me to meet her there. I said Sure. She came, got her coffee and then says, "You know - I've never felt more disconnected from you than this week." She said it felt like we were both moving on and then kinda of shrugged. I didn't dive into a conversation, tried to keep PMA, and kept my responses short. She asked if I wanted to do a trial separation. I basically said something like, "We have to do what will make us happy. None of us should be stuck in a loveless marriage." - something my DB coach suggested.

She didn't really respond. I forget part of the conversation but at one point, I said that I realized she's built up quite some anger towards me. She said, no - she's not angry just sad. Again, keeping all my responses brief. She said she's sad when she starts thinking about having to deal with her finances, selling the house, she's afraid I'll try to take the kids away. She said something like she feels like we're just drifting so far apart that we'll end up at a point where we'd never be able to come back from. I basically said something like I'm just approaching things day by day and suggested she do the same without trying to reach so far into the future.

I'm sure the suggestion here would have been to have just ended the conversation and walked away, but that seemed too rude to do. It seems like my pull back is causing her to pull back and feel like we're just drifting further away (I know - mindreading). Maybe this is just another test. Maybe this is the goal of detaching and pulling back. To say it hasn't made me question my strategies would be a lie. Now that I'm alone, I'm not as crazed as I would have been a week or two ago - which I guess says something for detachment. But still - I'm left uneasy and a bit lost.

t-

I'm by no means an expert, but I have a couple questions...Is the A over? I know you might not know, but does it at least seem like it's deep underground or that it might not be happening anymore? It seems that your W is reaching out to you, almost begging for some kind of communication/affirmation from you. The texts, the conversations...none of it seems mean to me. None of it seems like anger focused at you. It seems like depression and a true reaching out to you for some kind of affirmation.

I'm not saying that you need to abandon DB principles. Obviously those work. I'm not saying that you need to go full in and start talking about saving your M or reconciling...but maybe a little testing of the waters of your own is in order here. A vet can chime in better than I can, but if she's truly making an attempt to get you to open up, I think it's warranted and what is right. Now if the A is still happening and she's just playing both sides, or wants sympathy from you and OM both, then no way, but I'm a little torn with your current approach of just walking away and avoiding having potentially some game-changing conversation with her.

Again, let someone better at this affirm what I'm saying, but I've been jumping at a lot of opportunities to connect with my W because she's willing to do so. I'm staying protective of my emotions, and validating, etc., borrowing some techniques from piecing even though we aren't, but it seems to be working a little. I can always pull back if the alarm starts ringing.

Be genuine. Be the lighthouse.

As for her new ID badge picture...did she get a new job, or just a new ID picture. If my W had sent me that, I would have commented on the badge, not the picture. Commenting on how cute she looks in her picture is what she was looking for. It would have been an opportunity for me to flip the tables with a little humor added (but that's me and my W, not yours). Just trying to say that there are alternative ways to respond that aren't what she was looking for, but not completely ignoring her either.

I probably would have responded "well, its official, if you have an ID badge, they're keeping you." But don't acknowledge the picture...because that's what she wanted you to see.

It feels like the A is over - though she hasn't fully moved on - but is perhaps trying to reconcile that fact. My understanding is they don't really see/interact at work at all. Still they text (or had as of Wednesday).


No, it's never mean - other than the one blow up 2 weeks ago when everything came to a head. Everything has been (while withdrawn) fairly amicable. I get the reaching out feeling too and I don't want to overdo it, have expectations, or jump too quickly. But I don't want to let an opportunity pass by either...


Perhaps - I also don't want to sabatoge the DB work I've done, but still.


I'm so conflicted. I just don't know.


Exactly.

As for the ID badge. It turns out it was a joke badge - I just didn't get it at the time.

So first part .. she is starting to FEEL it. This is good and what you want to have happened, granted at this point she knows you are still hanging around and availible but you are working on that.

2nd item ... Temp Check.

3rd ...Classic DB response, as its not 'she' should not be in a loveless marriage .. its pointing out that you both deserve to be happy and loved.


T33 ... she is starting to look at consequences for HER actions, and there are some right? Remind yourself she had the A, and repeat after me ... The A is not my fault, this was her choice.

She is right .... T33 is GAL and PMA and starting to live his life, not one he chose but as a strong individual its one he will do and suceed at.




I do not see that ... she is and has been increasing the temp checks now that you see them for what they are right? She pursues you for coffee, she is sharing she feels the distance .... she FEELS you drifting away now and does not like it.

You did well, keep reading, read up Sandis WW threads again, and the golden 37. Do not flinch, it does not come natural .. if you did what felt natural where do you think your M is going to end up? DB T ... stay the course ... you did well here.

Time to continue, stay strong. You've got this.

True.


Yes - and I suppose I need to let her keep doing so without engaging or encouraging anything.


No, it certainly does not come natural. Glad I finally did something right - but geez, this is hard.


Thank you. Couple of questions.

The obvious concern is what ralphy said - what if this was a reach out for some affirmation? If she's struggling (which she is) and feels that i'm moving on or not trying, then what if this gives the opposite effect of what I want - a reason to give up and move on herself? How can I affirm that i'm still in it - while still DB-ing and pulling back? Or is that just the gamble...?

This weekend. Saturday. I'd like to offer her to go out for food or drinks just to hang out, no relationship talk. If she declines, I can easily still go out on my own. My DB coach said to remember to lovingly detach and that invitations are OK as long as I don't play into the expected response (i.e. if she says no, then I just don't go out and do anything) - so if she does say no, still go. This also could be an opportunity for an unexpected response (i.e. an invitation for something I know she'll say no to, just so she can see a reaction that she's not expecting). What is the feeling on invitations? I don't want to sabotage the DB work, but while I GAL occasionally, I don't think I should GAL every time - she still is a part of my life and the hope is that doesn't go away.

Thoughts?

A reach of affirmation>? Has she shown remorse for the A and made an attempt to work on the M>? No ... this is not her reaching out its her wanting you where she placed you as she attempts to cake eat. T33 Until you hear the magic words "I will do anything it takes and I commit to this M" continue DBing as you are not piecing (Thats when you hit her with NC letters, full transparency and MC ... all non-negotiable)

Look at it this way, she is still hung up on OM, wanted you as the back up ... do you want to be #2 all your life? Are you ok with an open M? What is to stop a OM2 from entering into the equation?

You have to think about things in your M and what happened. your faults .. hers ... once you both commit to the M then you can work on them, you not being available during the M is legit .. however being available while she is in the A or still hung up on OM ... not helping the M, its feeding her cake.




T33 I get you want to invite ... LOVINGLY DETACH ... does not mean pursue ... you are pursuing here. This is not showing any mystery ... in fact you are reacting to her "We are drifting apart" speech ... where was her "we are drifting apart" concern during the A?

I would DB it more before the invites. And the only invites I WOULD and did do ... "Hey S and I are going to the zoo Saturday if you'd like to tag along" ... by telling her she could tag along tells her in not so many terms .. this trip is for our son, but in no way is it about you and I, its not an Ahole move, its an invitation and I am going to the zoo regardless. Also ... that invite .. a week prior .. shows I am making plans with my life, not spur of the moment .. "Hey honey you just said you felt distance(Which was the point) so I will make it better and invite you now for tomorrow"

She is not going to miss you with you being TOO AVAILIBLE