Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New marriage over pt2--help she's filing this week

Ok AJ -

Here's the truth - there is nothing you can do TODAY to save your marriage. There is nothing you can do TOMORROW to save your marriage. This is not a three week fix or heck, likely, not a three month fix. This is about REPEATED, CONSISTENT behaviors over the long term. This is about you becoming the man you want to be. Not until you become THAT person is there a chance for her to want to come back. Right now, she is comparing being with you to being without you --- guess which she thinks is the better option.

There's nothing you can say to her right now to change her mind. Instead, your goal should be to BECOME the better option. It's hard. It hurts. It [censored]. But right now, it's not about saving your marriage. It's about YOU.

No contact and not pursuing is there to give YOU the space to grow. But just not contacting her is not enough without the other part. Now is a time for self reflection and self improvement. You have the time - now use it!

Even in the dr book from the "last resort technique" it says you should see a positive response within a week or two ... Three weeks for me and it gets worse.

Matt/everyone I try to implement other things too instead of just no contact but it's so hard , I'm trying , I'm sure when I get served this week I'll just regress more ... Having a hard time getting past the shock and her sudden coldness towards me

And I get it I have to be the man she once loved and even be the "better " option , but she's so detached she won't see any changes and once she files this week she'll be gone for good bc we have nothing to link us like children . She's cut loose , can't even see any changes

I don't have the book in front of me, so I won't argue against this. But one of the biggest things I've learnèd is that this process is SSSSLLLLOOOOWWWWW. Look around the board at people's situations. I've been here less than 3 months, and I stiil feel like a noob. This is not going to be fixed in a week or two.


give some examples - what did your W express were problems? What problems did you see? How are you trying to change? What are your goals?


It [censored]. That's why detachment is key but damn it's tough. Keep working at it.

Pg.136
Wife said my reservations about having kids made her think I didn't want them. I told her the month she came back I do want them , explained why I thought I didn't and why I want them ...nothing i can do to show her now
Wife said I wasn't saying I love you enough or hugging her enough ...don't know what I can do to change that she's gone.

Most of her grievances I can't do anything about she's gone , and add to that she's cut off all contact so she won't know anyway .

Aj, this is the toughest part of DB'ing. It's backward thinking. You have to make the changes not caring whether she sees them or not.

It's tough to wrap your brain around, so just start making the changes. Pretend there's an eye in the sky and until you get to the point where you truly don't care whether she knows or not, she won't come around.

Ok.

So you didn't hug her enough or say I love you enough. So what do you think that says about you? Are you unappreciative? Are you not gracious?

You didn't want kids. Are you worried about the responsibility? Are you worried about money? Are you worried about your paternal capacity?

It's not about solving the actual problems she cited. You can't go hug her now. You aren't going to impregnate her now. Instead, think about what she was REALLY upset about. How do you fix THAT?

So if you bought the ring why do you have it? did she give it back to you and now wants it back?

By fixing me.... I've started to go to church again, I'm working on being more sympathetic by seeing where I went wrong , I'm identifying why she left and figuring out what I need to do for myself to fix it ...just hard when she throws daggers like today .

Make changes for YOU. I was pretty certain my W would file very quickly too. She hasn't yet. It's been over 2 months since I found out about her A, and we've been separated almost a month now. It's a tough, slow, agonizing process, but you HAVE to detach. You have to start developing into someone she wants to be around. Right now, she doesn't want to be around you. Don't change anything about you for her, do it for you.

we have all been given the gift of time to ourselves. Use it wisely.

I just spent a nice couple of days with my W. Some of the most calm, and satisfying in months. No sex or relationship talks, just two people hanging out having fun with our daughter. I never would have imagined if you asked me a month ago if this would be possible. I thought I was headed for divorce. I might still be. I don't know what is in her head anymore. But I do know that she'd much rather be around who I am now than who I was a month ago. I've still got a long way to go. So do you. Be patient, breathe, focus, and get out and do something.