Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Trying to stay focus on me.....this is a challenge

I am doing well in some area of DB but in other not well at all & both are related to each other

I have NOT initiated, pursue, beg, NOTHING with my H, it has been 16 days since last saw him, I make sure I'm not home if he wants something & we barely text now, the last one was about $ and he texted first & I replied very short.
It breaks my heart to have to do this & I keep repeating to myself to trust in the process.

On the other hand, I have been crying a lot, I miss him & I put myself in a bad predicament with the male friend I met online.

It is now very hard to let it go even without any physical attraction. I am trying, but it's so hard, I feel wanted, I feel it keeps my heart & mind busy but I shouldn’t of never have done this & now this is another thing I have to learn to let go

I hate my H for this, for making me go through these emotions that have made me to be that vulnerable.

I would have never thought that getting emotionally attached to a stranger would have been that easy.

I am disappointed in myself but proud of me for sticking with my 1st mini Goal.

Cindy -

What are you doing that's "not so well"?

Try to relax...in my opinion you're doing great. This is so [censored] hard. It's ok to cry sometimes. Just keep setting mini-goals and knock them out of the park.

Matt777, I'm not doing well because of the male friend that I'm having a hard time to cut contact with. It's harder than I thought & I'm mad about it. It's not who I am but I have put myself in that situation & now I have to remove myself from it.

I also feel that more that I follow my goal more my H seems happier? So frustrating.

Cindy -
It's ok to have friends. It's ok to have male friends. It's even ok to bond with new friends. You have tons of shared experiences. But there's a difference between chatting in spurts every so often and constantly having messages back and forth. I think it's kind of a gray line, but as long as you're cognizant of it and know to check yourself, I think youll be ok.

As for your husband seeming happier...I wouldn't read too much into it. You're crushed inside, right? But what are YOU showing HIM? Hopefully a strong, happy woman moving forward with a life with or without him! So focus on you and your goals and let him do what he's going to do -- you can't control it anyway!!

Matt777, you are a life saver, I am reading too much into him looking happier, I really don't know.

I am proud to say that I am showing strong & happy & moving forward (not that I see him in person lately) but I am showing everyone else so I am sure it will get back to him at one point.

I can't beleive how hard this is.

Cindy -
I highly recommend you watch the TED talk by Amy Cuddy. It's available on YouTube. It's about body language, but the core message is about "fake it til you make it". It's incredibly eye-opening.

Matt777, I did watch TED talk by Amy Cuddy, it was amazing and loved it, I just have to remember it & use it, so many things to remember to do and not do frig, my brain is going to explode. I am re-reading sections of the DB book to keep on top of things but I should watch that video again too.

THANK YOU SO MUCH !!

I concur with Matt777, I watched the Amy Cuddy body language video from TED Talk last night, it was very inspiring.

I started my "Power Pose" today!

Cindy, I'm not caught up in your sitch but a few things I noticed from this thread I wanted to comment on.


Yes, I struggle with this also seeing W every day. The days she is happy are the hardest. You have to look at it from a different perspective. Even if they appear happy they could be basically putting on a good PMA, just like you are. The fact hes having A's and leaving his M is a strong sign he doesn't know where happiness comes from and is searching for it in all the wrong places.



This video is amazing, I would recommend it also.





I've had a similar experience with this a while back, so I completely understand. I was vague about it on the forums at first even thought I recognized it could be a huge issue. We are in a very vulnerable place and having that connection with another person of the opposite sex can make us feel wanted, it can distract us from the pain we are going through. Basically, it is a way we can self medicate the pain away. This is how many A's start, an EA where we have unmet needs and suddenly we have an outlet for those needs being met.

In my case I was even fantasizing about the person and had some very disturbing thoughts about the status of her M for a day or two, things that shocked me. Obviously in my case her being M and having M issues was a huge red flag, still is. As Matt said you can have a friendship with this person but we both know there is a fine line of where it can cross into being inappropriate. I still have the urge to talk to this person all the time but I control myself and mostly don't talk to her. I may have a small conversation once every few weeks now but I keep it away from any topic that could be inappropriate.

Its helped me have some empathy for my W's situation, understanding the feelings that could lead up to an A. EA's are extremely easy to get caught up into and we don't even know when we are in them at first. You know it could be an issue, you see talking to him everyday for hours will not help you(if that's the case). Use your best judgement and you should be fine.

I just have a minute Cindy and will read this all more carefully, but just wanted to encourage you to keep trusting the process. You CAN do this!