Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers seperated 4 months

Pigpen, your words penetrate and help me in my journey, I can be stubborn and sometimes words dont do that.
I am doing the deep work, with IC, some journaling, and am going to learn to meditate, something I always wanted to do, I started a few months ago, but it got hard to do, I think I can do it now. I have learned a lot about why I got like this. Dysfunctional family, physical abuse from my father, my brother who was my life going off to college when I was 11. Lots of abandoment issues. So what do I do, I have the most amazing person fall in love with me and I do all I can to push her away cause this is what I deserve. There are other issues as well.I am learning to forgive myself.
Sounds like some trip you took, it happened for a reason. What woke me up wasnt my w leaving, but how she wasnt sure if she could trust me with my d. It broke my heart, my hardened heart, and there was no way I could live like I had been anymore.
Let her go I think is what will truly get me there, and I will get there.
I have been abstinent before, this is different, this is sober. Not working with any org., but I am not kidding myself, I will get any and all help I need when needed. IC, reading has worked now. I am coming to realize just how strong I am inside, and I do have a lot of living to do, and thats a good thing.

Help

I trust you are reading DR and DB, many of the questions you ask have answers there.

Sandi advice is rock solid and she is wise beyond measure.

PP and another poster here Joe (amoung others) have stories of addiction. Others of us have addicts in our lifves. Those who have walked that path are giving you very strong advice as they are powerful in their recovery.

Help become strong in your recovery, if you wish to have a strong M with WW or with another then this must be so. You must concentrate on you.

Read Sandi guidelines too, I have them printed on card and laminated. They are so important. My H did not even bother to abstain, he pretended then got wilful about his addictions. I left WH because of his addictions and the abuse that went with it, I am not wayward in that I didn't have an affair.

An affair by your WW is hurtful although less important than recoveryl, I know you see only WW with an OM, but these affairs don't last usually they burn out in between 6 to 24 months when reality bites. Being obsessed with an OM may get in the way of your recovery. The thing to do is to concentrate on you.

The most important thing is for you to truly recover and if that is what you are doing then to go deep into yourself and become for your own sake. Your recovery is the most important thing, sobriety and accepting your role. Doing twelve steps with a sponsor, finding a mentor who has recovered their M, and being free of your substance. I strongly recommend a 12 step program, when you weaken you can contact others, there is companionship and fellowship. Commit to that recovery with all you have, it is commitment.

WW is correct when in the throes of addiction being the best father is virtually impossible. 12 steps has step 9 atonement, this is the key to recovering your M but you can't do step 9 on its own, there is a reason there are 12 steps and not just one. This is a hard road to recovery.

I have myself walked the 12 steps to my recovery as the spouse of an addict, it may be a hard road but it's a joyous one.

Blessings

V

Thanks v,

I decided that Sandi is correct, I will go in that direction and use her words. I am going to go to an aa meeting this week, I have been hesitant because I am not religious as far as organized religion goes, but I am open and need to have a beginners mindset. I think I need aa for the direction and to make sure I am not fooling myself in anyway. As pp said I want to make sure I am sober, not just abstinent.
I have grieved for the loss of my m, and my best friend, and still cry for 9 months now, but we both need to take this journey on our own, I have always needed to find myself. No expectations, but I still believe we are soulmates.

Hang in there help67. You have extracted a post from sandi2 which is in and of itself an accomplishment. Very profound advice by vanilla as well. Bottom line for all of us is do the work to make ourselves a better person, parent, friend and potential spouse!

I realized i did do some good work these last nine months, but I know I have been dependent on my w for a long time, our problems so intertwined. I guess in a lot of ways I went about it with the main goal to reconcile, and that would not have worked. With om in the picture, it will be easier to detach and work only on me and not our failed marriage. I need to only talk about me in IC from here on.
My biggest supporter was always my w, she was always there for me, and I cant lean on her anymore. It's just me, its the only way and it scares me.

I became very dependent on my wife as well. That was not fair to her. We will rectify that. I think we all come here scared. I'm thankful for the insight that I am receiving here.

This is exactly where you begin your journey. By first admitting the truth to yourself, and then realizing what you were doing was not accomplishing what you really need. Then to be willing to do it.

It is okay to be scared. A brave person is not necessarily fearless, but they do what is needed......in spite of the fear.

This latest post you have written sounds more hopeful to my ears than just about any of the past ones.

Thanks Sandi,

Coming from you, it gives me hope that I am starting that journey, one step at a time. I had my d for a few hours this morning, we played softball, and cards, and drew. In the past when we played softball I would not be present, and I would be critical. Today it was fun, I was positive, and she did great. I also sat down and drew with her, a dog, in the past I would hide. I cant draw, it looked more like a duck than a dog, but she loved it, and took it with her. My d is a lot like my w, an old soul, very caring, I can learn a lot from her.

My w dropped d off and picked her up, but never got out of the car, so we didn't interact, I didn't think she would come into the house after telling me about om, but I had been going out to the car to talk when she picked up d since she left me. I wanted to show her how I changed, but it wasn't all real. My w could probably tell it wasn't all real, and what was real, she wasn't ready for.

I am so glad to hear how you are redirecting your focus. It is certainly not too late to build a wonderful relationship with D12. Learn what she likes, maybe find a common interest between you. This is a tough age for some 12 yr old girls. Just be careful not to treat her like a baby (most don't like it). They grow up so fast, and dads have a difficult time seeing their D's beyond a little girl.

It is exciting how your eyes are opening about yourself and the motivation you truly had. It was really about just getting your W back, wasn't it? That's the case in the majority of newcomers, IMO. It is a stumbling block to their personal progress. You were stuck and had your life on pause, but now, I believe you will be able to start fresh in a having a real life, and making changes b/c they benefit "you" and not b/c you want someone else to notice.

Great job today!

Thanks Sandi,

I could use your insight on my sitch regarding the om. Unfortunately I see him sometimes when I bring my d to tae kwon do class (my d, my ww, and om are all in this class together) and sometimes I see him where I work. I was friendly with him as I didn't know what was going on, so how do I act when I see him now.

I did all I could to push my w into this mans arms. My w is with a married man who is in an open relationship because he meets her emotional needs. And then he goes home to meet his w needs. Am I missing something or is this part of her being in the fog. Either way, its not for me to worry about anymore.
My emotions and my brain have finally caught up to each other, and I truly understand the difference between detachment and giving up, because I am not giving up yet.

My w didn't give up for a long time because she truly loved me, and I wont give up yet because I truly love her, but I will let her go now.