Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My exhausting life part 3

Goodness she is really testing my patience. She left the house at 8 last night and didn't get home until 11:30. so who knows what she was doing or who she was with, hopefully she hasn't rekindled her relationship with the OM who is 9 years younger than her and just turned 21. She was cold and rude this morning and I just had to bite my lip so I wouldn't go off. I've been nothing but loving, forgiving, kind, and cordial during this entire situation (minus a few blow ups in the beginning) but I just want to go off on her and ask what i've done that deserves her hateful attitude.

I am definitely transitioning to a stage of anger with W. I was looking at her this morning and my blood just started to boil thinking about the hurt that she has caused our family and what a terrible example she is for our D2 right now. It makes me so mad.

I'm not going to let this anger control me, I stir in it for a few minutes and then I try to move past it. I still want M to work, but at this point I think W and I both need a physical separation. I'm so exhausted from her right now.

Hi Mate, sounds like a rough day


Forget about what she did and with whom. She's going to do it anyway. We need to learn that their mood shouldn't affect ours. Classic detachment as far as I understand it.


I think we all do this. This is why the separation is helping me. Not witnessing her terrible behavior.

^^This may be a good idea your YOU. If you are exhausted then this might help. Be warned though. If you do separate you will think about her A LOT. It takes time to take your mind off it.

Thanks NDY, our temporary order court date is July 15th so we are both just waiting for that to see who is going to be forced to move out of the house. I just have to try and handle the frustration and everything until then.

I spoke with my pastor today and he reminded me that she isn't unhappy with me, she is unhappy with herself it's just easier to shift the blame so she doesn't have to answer for what she has done. I couldn't agree more with that.

I'm not religious but your pastor sounds like a wise man.

Look, we all get the script. We, as the LBS know we weren't doing something right. So now it's too late and we scramble around looking for answers and solutions. Well, they ain't there. Not yet anyway.

But the WAS needs to do their own work. They need to confront their own issues. I get that as men we want to fix this. But we can't. Not this time. We need to step back and let it run its course. Follow the path then who knows?

I feel the same frustrations day in day out. I got my first L letter today. I knew it was coming and I knew what it was going to say but it still felt like a punch in the gut. But that's ok. I can handle that.

Strength my friend. You are doing really well in a really tough situation. THAT to me is the real test. And so far you are heading for an A+.

Keep it up.

Amen. I knew my letter was coming but I still couldn't handle reading it that night. I needed that encouragement though, thanks NDY. It is a daily struggle, some good some bad. You know it too, it's just hard to sit back and accept there isn't anything you can do. I know I have to work on myself, and I have been, I just wish I could "fix" this or do something that would take the scales off of my W's eyes

There isn't a Fix as such. The fix is for us. The WW? Well, they can do what they want but like you it's the kids I feel for. So unfair.

Absolutely. It's amazing their fog is so thick they think what they are doing won't affect the kids or they think what they are doing is in best interest of my kids.

My W is so Wayward at one point she said she was doing all this so D2 would have a strong woman to look up to; this was while she was secretly running around with OM

Hello Kembo.

You have been getting excellent advice from all. I really loved what PigPen wrote yesterday. I couldn't agree more, and good for you.

Like so many of us here, you are grieving. You've mentioned you are a man of faith. You may already know this Bible verse, but may have forgotten it. Either way, I hope it brings you some comfort:

“Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge” (Psalm 62:8).

Take care Kem.

Bob

Thanks Bob, that scripture is exactly what I needed to hear.

So W and I talked a little yesterday and there were some moments I needed to STFU but I would say something. All in all I was very pleased with how I handled the conversation. I was the one who ended the convo (politely and respectfully) and my W came back to try and engage me in more conversation. Emotions were starting to rise so I politely told her I didn't want to continue talking, we could readdress, but as of right now I didn't want to continue. She got ticked by that, but I knew I had to walk away before I said something I regretted. This was a huge accomplishment for me, I have always had a hard time walking away and not saying one more comment to erupt the conversation. It felt good to know I had the self control to walk away.

She wants to put our house up for sale immediately but she needs my approval on this if we do it before July 15 temporary order court date. She told me she wants to know in 24 hours and I told her I didn't want to rush the decision. Honestly I don't think I want to do this now because I love the house and it's OUR house and I'd like to enjoy the potential last couple of weeks in it before worrying about people coming to look at it, always having it ready to show, etc. Mainly I don't want my D2 to get interrupted by this until it has to happen.

Lastly, we talked about custody of D2 and I told her I wanted to do what was best for D2 and that is a 50/50 custody, well she mentioned she didn't think that was best. Her request is for me to see D2 every other weekend and on Wednesdays, so I asked if she thought it was in D2's best interest to only see her dad once a week if it isn't my weekend. And she went on and on about how it's psychologically unhealthy for a toddler to go from one house to another and it's best for her to be at one place for an extended amount of time. I just told her I disagreed with that, but no reason to have that convo now. I wanted to say "well looks like you've done some research, did you look at any statistics about the psychological affect of a divorce for a toddler" but I just had to make myself STFU. It is ironic how she is so concerned about what is psychologically best for our D2. I guess a divorce, being an adulterer, showing D2 if a relationship gets hard you should just throw in the towel, being deceitful, not forgiving, and being a 30 year old mother and having an affair with a 20 year old former student doesn't affect the psychological health of your D2.

She is such a sad person right now, and I can't even somewhat understand her thought's. I feel like I have to be twice the parent to make up for the terrible example she has on our D2 right now. Luckily our D2 doesn't know what is going on, but she will ask questions someday and I feel sorry for my W when that day comes.

Whew....that felt good to get out. Happy Friday fellas

question, my W has asked me about putting the house up for sale and tonight I am going to tell her I would rather wait until July 15th (our temporary order date), just because I don't want an additional stress factor before then and I would like for D2 to have the most stable environment possible leading up to our separation. She has talked to friends and she talks about her winning or me winning and I was considering saying this after I tell her about wanting to wait for the house;

"I just want you to know I don't look at this as there being winner and losers. I think we either all win; you, D2, and me, or we all lose"

Is that worth saying?