Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Working on it, but affair hasn't ended yet...

Or just don't text her at all. The ball is in her court. Guess what, she's already given up on the marriage so housing really have to worry about pushing her out the door. She's already gone.

Her: I want to go early.

You: that stinks, I'll be busy then but have a great time! But I appreciate the invite.

Its not that you gave up on the M, you refuse to live in an open M, and you can not control what she does ... does not mean you have to stop living. So you go out and do your thing (honoring the marriage .. living a fun life) and she does hers ... realizing you are not sitting around waiting at home like a lap dog.




If she wants to move out .. she moves out. She put her big girl panties on to have the A, she can wear the same ones and figure out how to support herself and move out if that's what she wants.. not your job anymore .. she fired you as her H remember?

Thanks again CaliGuy. Here is what happened and how this morning went.

While out she texts me if I have a minute. I respond I do. She says it's not important and can wait. I say, sure. I'll call you next time I step outside. I call 45 minutes later. She says she went for her consult already and was having dinner by herself. I said that was great and if she liked the design (keeping PMA). She asks if I want to go with her Tuesday. I say I will if I can, but it's during the day and I have to work. I don't think I will be able to.

I get home late and she's falling asleep but crying. Having a few drinks I rub her back in a consoling manner. She asks why do I try? I ask if she thinks I've given up. She says she's not crying because of our failed marriage. She's crying because she still loves OM and he won't even see her. I rub her back for a minute or two more and then go to sleep.

This morning before work we have our coffee and a smoke. As we're sitting there she talks about the kids a bit (school and non-related stuff). Then she asks if we should find a divorce lawyer. Per my DB coach I respond in an empathetic response, "I'd hate for anybody to be stuck in a loveless marriage". She then tells me she's staying at her job. I say, "You have to do whatever makes you happy". (I know she's not happy at that job). She then says she won't go out of the country with me for my job at the beginning of the year (if I take that job), and I should take a job for myself and the kids and not for her. I said something like I always will take a job based on me and the kids and not her (even though it's been family choices/approved in the past). She then asks if she can keep my last name because it's a pain to change it. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something like she can do whatever she wants to do. All this while trying to keep PMA. She then asks if we should stay living together for the kids. I say "We don't have to make any decisions at the moment".

So, for her she's working her mind to a place where we are divorced but living together for the kids. I suppose cake eating to enjoy the house, car, kids, money, etc. while going about her life. I suppose the good news is she's not moving out yet? Or is it worse that she's just going to stay?

She's still very depressed about OM, so I have to let that work it's way out for the next few weeks I suppose, and then see where things go? We wouldn't have been leaving out of the country until January, so there is still time for DBing. Still, I'm feeling pretty hopeless at the moment...

t33

Don't mindread her ... you are far to much in her head guessing what she is thinking, feelings, even predicting what she might do.

Truth is, you know she had an A, that A may/may not have ended. She asks you if you guys should get a D lawyer ... if she wants a D she can file, this looks like a temp check to me.

She may be mourning the loss of the OM, you rubbing her back ... ugh.... really? "there there I know its hard I'm sorry you lost your lover" Let her cry .. .give her some space ... I get you want to save the M, but she needs to get to a spot she wants to .. Will you just allow her back into the M without boundaries? If you do ... she will give you a repeat performance with OM2 and you will be back here wondering what went wrong all over again. She has to respect you ... and to a point she may have to feel she is losing you ... so far ... you are there all to willing, so she can cake eat and play you all she wants at this point.
Time to GAL, and detach my friend ... just because OM might seem to be out of the picture ... your W is still wayward.

Thanks CaliGuy - that's why this place is so great - it allows perspective.

You are right, I am mindreading. Even if she says things re: divorce or live together for the kids, etc. - I guess it comes back to don't believe anything of what she says, and 50% of what she does.

Hadn't even considered the convo being a temp check. What direction is she checking? If I'm in or out? Did I handle is properly? I'm sure it won't be the last time.

Yes - I know consoling her for the loss of the OM - pathetic. I used the drinking as the excuse, but it was a choice - the wrong one. She does need to get to a spot where she wants to save the M, and she's definitely not there (yet).

Will continue to GAL and detach as best as I can.


I find one of the testimonials on MWD main page (While Your Spouse Decides) a bit confusing (http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_while_spouse_decides.htm):

Is this the way to proceed (not that she's moving out, but the overall idea of the message) - as a friend while I GAL and detach? Or is this not applicable because my W is Wayward?

I know I feel desperate, needy, and ready to spring into action with fixes (though I'm trying not to show that to my W as best as I can). I realize this problem didn't occur overnight and any possible repair will take months upon months.

Waiting is hard. Waiting for her to get over the OM. Waiting for her (unjustified) anger at me to subside - for ruining her one true chance at happiness. Waiting for my next DB coaching session (a week from today). Of course this is a 3 day weekend - not that being at work helps.

Funny you quoted that line .. we just had a discussion about that very even on another thread ... I am one who did not help W move just as I did not help her D ... I see them as one in the same ... they want out .. they can do the work.

The GAL thing .. you treat them as a neighbor ... would you be rubbing your neighbors back after they broke up with their boyfriend ... probably not, use that as a rule of thumb .. be nice and courteous but have your boundaries till they end the A, and say the magic words "I will do anything to save/work on this M"

I can not recall how long the A went ... but it may take her a bit .. even longer since she worked with him and will have reminders at work about him. Let her process this while you do your own thing .. she can not miss you while she is missing him ... and she surely can not miss you while you are pampering her during her OM mourning sessions. Become a man who she respects, someone who is sure of himself.

Keep reading, learning ... and start applying this approach. Trust in the process. Not to save your M .. .but to save yourself .Check out a book .. NMMNG .. might help you.

That's so interesting. I like the neighbor analogy. I hope I'm strong enough. I can't be the only one interesting in saving the marriage. I seems like a losing fight since i'm the only one interested. I guess that's the point.

The A started Emotional in March and Physical in April. But yes, she's got a calendar reminder for his birthday at the end of July and of course he'll be around at work. I thought about removing it, but that account is the last one she hasn't changed her password on, so it stays. It's on my mom's birthday too - how nice!

I do need respect back. She says she respects me but again, believe nothing of what you hear and actions here spoke volumes.

I've just request NMMG from the library, thank you for the recommendation.

Just wish I knew what to do with myself.

My W's A was similar .. she worked with him and it was just the professional R as far as I know and have been told, she switched jobs, and in Feb he emailed her telling her he was getting a D, so that seems to be the time line for the EA, almost a year before PA with us separating in the middle somewhere.

So my advice for you ... just work on you, let her go for a bit, approach it as you are preparing for the world championship fight and you have to take a few months to train .. GAL, list things you do not like about yourself (might be some common W complaints) and list things you do like ... then list things you admire about other men, take those admirable traits and start replacing the bad traits .... this takes TIME, time that she gave you ... while she is pouting, crying and sobbing over OM, you are in fact in the gym becoming the best t33 you can be, someone only a fool would think about leaving ... you have to get your mojo back ... this is where you start .. today.

Great advice CaliGuy. It's training time. Have to get myself back.

Question - On Friday when everything went down, she removed me from Find My Friends. Is it pursuing to ask we turn that back on? For safety. In her mind the marriage is over. But we are still married and she is the mother of our children. If presented in that way, does that seem reasonable? Or is that a conversation for another week.

I wouldn't go there. I think it's better for you if it's off anyway. How many times would you check it per day if it were active? Honestly.