Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy What do I do?

Hi Sad, Im so sorry you are here, but I agree with the others - you are doing the right things. I agree about the 'hold you in my arms' line - an EA at least. It may be more it may not. But one thing for you to know is - all cheaters lie. The guys who have been around on this forum for a good while have never met a cheater who didn't lie. So, I expect your W is lying about how far the R has gone. My H did - on many occasions and over a number of months.

It's a horrible situation, but you are lucky to have found the forum and others will help you in coming months. Please don't expect an early resolution to your sitch. Most take some time to work through. A's are notoriously addictive and they tend to need to run their course. Reading the WW thread was a good start - and it gives you a good idea of the kind of stance you need to take - Alpha male, but not being a jerk about things.

Keep posting, and just focus on keeping your head above water right now. T :-)

W wanted to talk this afternoon, but I opted for texting. Here is the main concern of the conversation:

"This brings up all the same stuff for me about the whole lack of love I feel. I'm not that attracted to you. I stay because of S13. I've told you this before. I almost left before because of it. I don't know how to change my feelings. I try. I try to be happy and enjoy doing things as a family. I love doing things with the kids and they need the family unit so I stay. I don't know what else to do."

She then states that she would see a MC.

It seems like there is no hope of saving our R.

""This brings up all the same stuff for me about the whole lack of love I feel. I'm not that attracted to you. I stay because of S13. I've told you this before. I almost left before because of it. I don't know how to change my feelings. I try. I try to be happy and enjoy doing things as a family. I love doing things with the kids and they need the family unit so I stay. I don't know what else to do."

It's funny. You don't get attracted to your spouse by doing family things. You get attracted by doing long term actions with YOUR SPOUSE. Sounds like depression to me.

"She then states that she would see a MC.

It seems like there is no hope of saving our R."

I'm not sure why you say that. I mean she wants to see an MC. How much about attraction have YOU learned?

Others on here have repeatedly said women are not attracted to men who aren't confident and strong in demeanor and actions. Leaving is not a strong statement. Staying, setting boundaries, and enforcing them with actions, not words, are strong.

I tell her all the time that she is beautiful and that I am lucky to have her as my W. Always compliment her on her dress. Maybe I am not answering the question.

I left to try and get my thoughts together. Just wanted some time to hash things out.

You feeding her ego ... especially while she is goo-goo-ga-ga over OM and his amazing arms she is dreaming about being is is NOT going to attract her to you.

Now you being confident, firm in your boundaries ... might piss her off ... but she will respect you for it, no woman is attracted to a man she does not respect.

That's nice to say but doesn't do much about attraction. Lots of men get cheated on because they put their wife on a pedestal. The guy is working to make his W happy and she begins to feel entitled to it and does not reciprocate in the relationship building. Loses respect and loving feelings for the guy....because you have told her you are lucky to have her. Meaning, she may feel she deserves better since she's been on this pedestal for so long.

So what do I do?

Read up on boundaries. Define them. Go home and make them known. Be prepared to take action if they are violated. Words are meaningless, actions are what you want. It's your house and your family. What would you do if this OM just came to the house and moved in? Well, he moved in, just not in person. You're either OK with him in your house or you are not.