Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Trying to stay focus on me.....this is a challenge

CindySy I know I don't have the answers but I have been reflecting on how I have contributed to the mess I'm in.

The night my H drop this mess on me I distinctly remember him yelling "You will listen to me!" "I will be heard!". It makes so much sense. I suck at listening. And guess what, when I think about all the conversations we had about his childhood...he never felt heard.

It breaks my heart because I knew about his pain and I did the same thing to him that his parents did. I am really working on my listening skills. We are going to try and work on our M but I don't know if it will work out. I don't have any expectations BUT I know I have to fix my listening skills to improve myself.

Try to reflect on yourself. Focus on you, I'm just getting this myself, but it's starting to make sense. You have to be the best you can be even if doesn't work with your H.

You don't want to carry any issues you may have into your future.

Asitis, is the 180 and solution-oriented close to being the same?

Cindy - have you read DR? If not, you really should!

The 180s are a behavior pattern that are a piece of solution based thinking. I my example earlier, you need to know to try to put out honey before you can see that it worked.

- So you set a goal: catch the fly
- Then you think about what behaviors have led to you not catching flies - say: trying vinegar, screaming at the fly, looking intently at the fly with a death stare, etc.
- then you think about the opposites of those, the 180s - honey, sugar, singing lullabies, whatever.
- then you apply them and check your results.
- finally, consistently do the things that get you closer to your goal!

Easy, right? Of course, I simplified a bunch, but I think that's the basics of it.




So all the questions asked of you above are to try to get you to identify the behaviors you have/had that were NOT WORKING. That way, you know what to turn around.

You don't have to change EVERYTHING about yourself; you want to identify and change the RIGHT things.

Pyrite, wow lots of thinks to think about, I must really sit down and write my flaws cause I know I have them because I felt more like his mother then a wife to him.

Thank you so much, I wish you all the best !!

Matt777

OLEY MOLEY, I GOT it....thank you so much for continuing to help me even when I didn't get it.

I did read the DB....I am still re-reading it.

But first I have to set a new goal & set the honey
Also, I will seriously sit down and write what was not working in my M & what was my H was trying to say he needed.

I'm on a mission now.....

Good.

-PM

Hey Cindy, good job starting a new thread


That's a great saying, almost like a prayer! I love it! And you know what -- forgiveness and detaching are the means you can use to achieve this goal. We're gonna keep working on that until you are strong and healed and whole again. I promise!


I believe that is pretty intuitive on your part. These women, especially since they are younger, probably want marriage and a family. But the responsibilities of a real life relationship are what your H is trying to escape from right now. He is really playing with fire by dating several girls from his job. It's sort of shortsighted and incautious for him to assume they won't compare notes, and when they do, I predict fireworks LOL

How did your daughters make out meeting the OW this weekend? It's so sad when these sort of things happen and cause the kids to lose respect for their cheating parent. They will need your support more than ever now, and need to know they did not cause this rift between their dad and you, and that both of you love them very much. I'm awfully glad that you are not bad mouthing your H to the girls. It's sort of hard, huh? But so important to be a good example of class, honor and dignity for them, and let THEM judge him by his actions and make their own decisions.


This is the hard work of DBing Cindy, the self-introspection that is going to turn you into the woman only a fool would leave Patient Man, Matt, Teach and Pyrite have all given excellent examples and helpful questions regarding The Process here. Remember we talked about your goals a bit, and you described yourself as a "planner, organizer, fixer, rescuer"? Have you thought any more about how you can change that about yourself? It was the hardest thing for me to step back and stop trying to fix and rescue everyone, and I am still working on it to this day.

I'm glad you are on a mission ( ) to look at what was not working in your marriage and what your H was trying to say that he needed. Were any of his complaints valid? They might not all be -- remember I told you my ex suddenly decided I was too short. It sounds ridiculous (and rather embarrassing) to me now, but don't you know I went out and bought myself a couple of pairs of 4" heels to appear taller LOL But to tell you how dopey that complaint was and how even dopier me trying to fix it was, his OW (now fiancée) is 2" shorter than I am. Go figure!

What did you do this weekend? Did you get out in your new kayak?

and there you go. A great start Cindy . I'm in opposite time zone to US, so at work now. I will endeavour to write more later.

-Py

Cindy,

this self-introspection and analysis will also help you in detaching. it will give you focus and hopefully you will see your part in the M more objectively. When you take a break from yourself and naturally drift off into the nightmare that has happened it will seem a little bit different each time.

eventually it won't seem like such an overwhelming nightmare. Nothing in this whole sordid grief process is straightforward. Everything goes around and around, and in different order. Its more like a spider web in the wind rather that a merrry-go-round or a roller-coaster.

This path of acceptance, detachment, letting go, forgiveness, compassion is also like a spider web in the wind. There are many ins and outs to each process. None of them gets done once and is achieved. You just have to keep practicing the steps. ONE path to detachment is that above. Another maybe to forcibly detach. Kill all thoughts as quick as you can. However you proceed, practicing will calm the wind, untangle the web, and eventually warm your heart.

One thing that stopped me from fully jumping in to this detachment (and I have seen it with others as well) is that when it came to it - I didn't want to detach. My pain was all that was left of my love, and I didn't want lose that. following a nasty text, my W threatened an intervention order. This woke me up quick smart and I forcibly detached for a few days.

Naturally, I couldn't help it, and I reverted to thinking about W an M again. But to my surprise I was detached (a little) and to my very pleasant surprise I hadn't lost anything. I actually loved her genuinely, compassionately, more so than ever.

I have had a million setbacks since, but in general I am in a good place now. I love my wife. I want my M back. But i can't have that right now.

This is grief Cindy. It is a process bigger than you or I that affects all creatures. Dont try to fight it or deny it. You WILL hurt. You WILL go backwards at times. But you WILL get through this. Do it the best way possible, on this DB path. The future has endless possibilities. Even the possibility of R with your H and enjoying a great M. But even this one is subject to what you do with yourself now.

You quite easily made the observation that you were more like his mother. I can relate to this. I was the father. Point is - this is an excellent starting point and I think will lead you to more specific behaviours. A "mother" would certainly be a reason to feel like you needed
space".

PatientMan, I did sit down and boy it wasn't pretty, I thought about what he had been repeating lately to me....and got me thinking and did I ever find flaws in myself....

#1: I am very possessive
I wasn't possessive all my life, it started when is father was sent to jail for child abuse, he is now a registered pedophile, so when that happened, I turned into a protective mode as a mom & wife & got to being very possessive about protecting them from EVERYTHING.....I can see now this can be suffocating, I would put them in a bubble if I could to prevent them from the world

#2: I am controlling
I wasn't controlling all my life either but I find that I am today, looking back he say very often in the last 7 weeks that I need to know everything & that I need to control everything about his life even now that he has left, I can see it now. I prefer everything done my way, I tell them how to think & what to say for what situation, I push them towards what I think is best for them in my opinion not in theirs.

#3: I am stubborn
I wasn't stubborn all my life either; I think once I got possessive, controlling & stubbornness got in the mix automatically. I hate backing down, I want what I want regardless of their feelings or thought, I will not stop & try different ways to end up getting what I what at the end.

Yesterday for me was a BIG light bulb moment, starting with the fly & the honey, then sitting down and really thinking about my part in this failing M.

I decided that my first baby step goal is trying to at least get back into being friends with the H, right now he wants NO contact whatsoever. I don't blame him, I have been telling him what to do, to who to talk to or not talk to & I have been making all the decisions about everything. So, by letting him, the girls....everyone around me choose & think for themselves, whatever it is & support them regardless of my opinion & being happy for them & STFU, I know by implementing this that A LOT of these 3 problems will be improving......

This is life changing for me !!! Even if this doesn't bring me my H back, I will be a better person, mother & friend.

I thank this online community for opening my eyes. It's amazing, I feel scared but I feel ready for the new me.

I have a plan in motion in my head with ready replies & facial expressions ready as well for situations that might arise along with GAL, those 2 things will be my primary focus until I see some communication changes with my H.