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picnic was with kids as well BTW

Hey Py. I'm trying to think of what guidelines I have used, and how they might apply if I were in your place.

I don't initiate contact unless necessary. For me to say anything about my intent to not relocate, I would have to have been advised by my L that a communication such as that was necessary to have my intentions documented. If there was no legal need to communicate that, I wouldn't have.

I can see her looking back and saying "you knew I wanted to move, if you didn't want me to you should've said something". But I don't know how you could bring up your objection without sounding controlling or initiating conflict. Personally I wouldn't say anything, and if challenged on "why not?" later, I'd simply shrug and say "you never asked". If she doesn't ask your opinion, why should you need to chase her down to tell it to her? She obviously doesn't care, so keep it to yourself. IMHO. I can't feel bad for someone that doesn't give two hoots about your voice, and later feels upset you have one. Let her be upset. That's on her.

So to your next point, I would be very clear on what your bottom line is. For me it is that I want 50% parenting time, and I want enough money to keep a roof over my head and stay consistent with what the courts would support as equitable so I can do this. Beyond that I'm fairly negotiable. But if she did something to challenge one of these two things I would work through my L only. Our coparenting relationship is important...but at this point my survival and my children's needs trump the echoes of a relationship she ended.

Outside of my bottom line I will try to give as much as possible, when I feel it is just and in the best interest of the kids. My STBX has asked me to consider changing a few things about how I parent (bed times, how much electronic usage, how many adults supervise when I take them swimming, etc.). It's not easy for me because I haven't ONCE given her parenting requests, but I simply look for the common ground (kids best interest), find the grain of truth in what she's saying, validate her, and then do what I think is best based on the new information I've been given.

Sorry Py, I am finding myself being very vague. Maybe if you could provide a specific example of something she's doing that demands a response, or something in particular you need to take action on...maybe then I could be more clear.

As for what she thinks of you, I would COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY disregard it. When she speaks you can filter, filter, filter, and see if YOU feel there's any feedback worth taking into consideration. But after you do that just be the person you think you're meant to be, and how she feels about it is irrelevant and only about her.

Listen, my STBX has spewed nothing but disrespect, disdain, condescension, fury, and accusations at me for the last 362 days. I'm done looking in that fun house mirror. I know who I am and am doing what I feel is right in my heart. I have been around enough player haters, she is now just one of them. Whether she ever sees that or not is on her, I don't know and I really don't care.

Oh, I'll end with my favorite line in a book (if anyone recognizes the quote let me know!).

Character A: "So you'll do whatever you want"
Character B: "As long as it's best for everyone"
Character A (sneering): "In YOUR judgment"
Character B: "I have no one else's to use"

I like this. At the end of the day all we can do is our best.

Thanks Zeus.

L was the last option. I had voiced my opinion directly to her.

1st January/February/March.

"We should be aiming to minimise the trauma to the kids going forward. Re-locating only serves one purpose. And that is for your convenience. This is not sufficient grounds for re-locating the whole family".

I should add the premise to all of this is maintaining 50/50 custody.

She absolutely refused and said she is going to live where ever she likes.


2nd.March/April.

Custody mediation. She concedes that we should centre around the girls. Her opening proposal is that we ALL move to the other side of town. I want to live in the same neighbourhood as the girls school etc. So I compromise to re-locate 1/2 way. This inconveniences me greatly. More importantly it will further traumatise the kids, OK this is only shorter trauma maybe for them, but the point is that it is unnecessary. Then she announces that even though WE are going to re-locate to this half way solution. she is still going to live on the other side of town. thus screwing the kids routines with 1+ hr travel each day. Not to mention after school activities, friends, family etc.

3rd. L
50/50 custody - great. I have compromised thus far to NOT rock this boat. L advises that court does not want to make any ruling that is not necessary. Even legal-aid reassured me months ago that neither of us can realistically apply for full custody anyway without "grounds". Subjecting the kids to excessive travel is not in the best interests of the children and is thus grounds to file. Furthermore, I never planned on moving at all before BD, and am happy to remain in local area. So issued her with notice that I intend to stay in area, kids in local schools, and she can live wherever she likes. IF she chooses to live further away then we will ask court to rule on custody.

Formal notice had to happen now. If any moving occurred she would then be able to use same argument. But as we have legally notified her any such action would be viewed as retaliatory and hostile.

Significantly though if we did re-locate to this half way point, I have no doubt that after a few months she would realise it was unworkable and she start this whole business again.

So this was a last resort, and we might as well bring it all the way back home, in which case I buy her out. Several people who are familiar with the"Family Law Court" have commented that court's reaction will be

"Why move? For your job. Get a new job. You cant or you dont want to? Your choice, the kids or your job. Why would we cause any disruption to the kids if it can be avoided and this can be avoided very simply. (STFU and realise D=sacrifice NOT D=fairytale ending)"

I have proposed that I will have the kids school nights, and she can have them weekends. this is what I mean by full custody for me. This is a big dint in my life. Work will very hard to maintain. Apart from being a single parent is hard in itself. Ideally she can even live half way to her job, leave the kids in the local area, and maintain 50/50. The kids should be with their Mum too. I would get some weekend time with them as well.

Anyway, it is basically L only now.

I am through caring what she thinks of me, and what she tells people as well. I am still mindful though of not creating an enemy - well worse than what it already is.

I don't recognise the exact quote, but certainly the sentiment.

You weren't wrong about there being more pain!

I woke up last night in agony. I don't know what I was dreaming exactly, but I definitely recognised the pain. My mind drifted straight towards images of my W in bed with other man. I couldn't sleep again for hours as I worked through the anger.

It is almost funny how I keep inventing ways to knock back the pain.

This time I strayed onto the path that I was talking to my IC. Firstly it was my W, then a friend, then my IC. I try to get away from having conversations with my W, both in my head and in real life. I was saying how I can't be with her after this relationship with OM, and this, and that.

I noticed that these were all basically events. Defining separate instances in time. OK - maybe it is easier to put into context here - we look at our lives as a series of events. I had this R with W, then she had A, then we got D, etc. Giving all these events separate status. This is half the trouble. So going back to my waking nightmare - I can't do "this" because "that" happened.

In my conversation with IC I argued that this is not useful. My emotions don't work that same way. They are just all there, all the time. Sure different triggers bring different emotions to the fore, but they aren't really distinct in the same way. So lets try and think of this in the same blurred way.

I can't really, its too hard. It's like trying to draw 4-dimensional graphs. We can use movies, where we do have 4-D, but I mean statically. Anyway, I thought about long past Rs. The past in general we see as a whole. We can interpret it as a series of events if we like. For e.g. What were you doing 10 years ago? 5? 10 years ago, what did you think you would be doing in 5 years time? 5 years ago what did you think you would be doing now?

We can see the whole 10 years at once and it all fits. So what about 10 years from now? We can't see obviously. We can extrapolate from the past events, or now. but did that work in the past. Probably not. We didn't see D coming did we - well maybe we did, but we failed to act. We can't see the "event" in 10 years or all those in between. We can't see the future as a whole. Not until it is the past. And then as a whole, single events like A, spew, OM lose meaning.

Anyway, you probably think I am stoned or something, but this was a really long way to get to my main conclusion.

Imagine in 10 years time, at d4's 15th birthday. We had a party. I can see it. With streamers and ribbon and cake and family and guests etc. After the party everyone goes home. I am laying in bed and think back to the events of 2015. Events part of the whole 10 years that have passed. Single events like A, spew, OM lose meaning. I sigh that I went through a rough time back then. But I took the pain. I didn't burn my bridges. I didn't bring the hate and anger into my life. Instead I grew and became a better person. I did all I could, for as long as I could to save my M.

And now, on this wonderful day, I turn to my W and kiss her goodnight. Is she my W from 2015? Does it make even a little bit of difference to my story?

OK - you might pessimistically argue - 10 years. I dont deny I might be happy in 10 years. In a way that is exactly my point. You will be happy again, regardless of what you do now. Possibly you won't be in as good a position if you just non-DB your arse, medicate and burn bridges, but this will always be part of your history regardless of the outcome WRT our Ms. So why would we do anything less than give our best.

I never lose. I either win, or I learn.

Great post Pyrite. You will be happy again. We all will.

Some days I hate motivational quotes, some days I really do spend some time on them.

Yesterday I read, "When things appear to be falling apart, them may just be falling into place."

In hindsight I can go back and see how the end of past relationships led to incredible new relationships, new life events, and developed into parts of my life that I never though would be possible. Now those new parts define me positively.

We just never know. I think for all of us LBS's we thought we were done with change the day we got M. I used to tell my W how happy I was having that box checked, knowing that the "family" part of my life was secure and now I could just focus on other areas. Now it's all up in the air. Kids? Who knows. A new M someday? Who knows. Reconciliation? Who know.

You're right, all we can do is put our best foot forward and keep living well today.

Loved your post.

PP

Thanks again PigPen

Sometimes I feel so happy - I feel guilty.

These forums should be a mandatory subject in school. My life has turned around.

I know what you mean about those quotes, sometimes though they just speak to you.

It is all up in the air. It always was. We were just fooling ourselves. Me definitely included. I wish so much that my darling W could be here now. I travelled the world on my own and always wished that I had someone next to me to share all of the great experiences with. But this, this awakening just blows me away. I want my love here to share it with me. Maybe one day she will. Maybe there will be someone else.

I regret there is a disconnect between newbies and us. Not that I am healed. Next week I will likely be mess after hearing from Ws lawyer. But the path I am on, we are on, the benefits are unimaginable to newcomers. They were for me.

I want to tell newcomers, Cindy for e.g. that others, well meaning friends, other forums will encourage you to go on that date. "You deserve better, go for it girl". But this is oh so much better, and rewarding, and lasting.

take care PP

Py,

You cannot control what happens out of your house. That is completely out of your hands in respect to the OM. However, you can have the no-OM boundary in YOUR own house.

Yeah, stick with 50-50 custody. As for moving, I'd stay where you are. It is W who MOVED AWAY...not you. It is her problem. Continue working with your L on this. I think this is your best shot.

I am so sorry that your W is being obstinate about this issue. Ugh.

Thanks Wonka,

I am just so 2nd guessing myself on this. I wanted your much appreciated advice.

Thanks for stopping buy with Smothy. I should've looked up where you had been hanging out and nabbed you there. Poor dear, we have been going in circles and now she has re-entered ground zero. I am grateful for you turning this around, I honestly think she might have a real chance here.

Probably she will see this as well but I think it sounds more like her H has real feelings for her still and from all that we have discussed in the past they are both mature enough to pull it off. I dont want to get her hopes up in any other respect than recognising her own worth.

have a good day

-Py

Hi Py

Have been stopping by, but your getting so much better advice than the nonsense I would spout! Thinking of you 'Oz'!