Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers a young man with hope II

About posting on other threads... First, you can start with simple moral support. You know the thrill of seeing new stuff posted in your thread. Sometimes, it's nice to see that one or more people have taken the time, confirming that they are following. Second, you'll find that some parts of DB are more obvious to you and that's where you can eventually contribute.

No darling your son is! Kids find the whole subject of creepy crawlies fascinating even if as adults we get annoyed about it!

Ins, I understand your reluctance to post, took me a long time too. Please realise that newcomers to the board don't have your experience, they may have age but are not as grounded as you are despite your youth. Post encouraging remarks or sympathy to other threads. RD500 was good at this although he seems to have disappeared on us! Just a simple remark or an observation from your own life. You have valuable insights to share Ins. You are indeed growing well. To a frightened and alone newcomer just a hello I am reading your post can be very powerful.

Start with those who have posted to your thread, they have empathy and connection with your sitch already, the wonderful Edz, the energetic Mozza, Thoughtful Jim, the guy with brass ones HerculePoirot some of the gals are fun too ggrass, toots, Lisa, Dawn. The vets, Wonka, Sandi and MrBond won't have threads but their posts are very powerful and by visiting others you will learn from them as life happens to mere mortals on DB.
Vanilla

Wonderful eh? Dont know about that v? All welcome over at my thread though Ins.

She filed.

We got into a verbal argument over S.

I called the police.

Sadly DB is over for me in the sense that I am trying to get her back - this is not something that I can ever get over and/or come back from.

S is resting in my bed for now.

Goodnight all.
- ship

What happened?

I was supposed to pick up S last night around 8. She texts beforehand and says she'd like to talk when I got there. When I arrive, I tell her let's go for a drive. We end up parking in front of this little park a couple of neighborhoods away from her mother's house. She tells me that she has started the process of filing for divorce. I say okay, I understand. At this point we are both very calm and she is being very sensitive towards my feelings. I tell her that I understand why she is doing so, but that I needed to tell her that a divorce is not what I want and that of course I still love her.

We talk about things for a while. She says she probably just wasn't ready to get married. Eventually things start to get rehashed and stuff from the past is brought up. At one point she says, "Well, you should have thought of that before you treated me like trash for two years." I flip and say some hurtful things back towards her to the effect of "Well, you weren't so great yourself because you did X and Y." She walks out of the car. She yells that she hates me.

I try to get her to come back in the car, she says she needs to walk home and to meet her there. I do. She gets back in the car and we start talking about S. She says basically that our relationship as it was is dead and buried. We start talking about practical issues concerning who will take care of S. I say that switching him every other day like we have been doing simply won't work and that we may need to move to a move "conventional" one week on/one week off kind of schedule. She suggests daycare and suggests that he needs to be in daycare all of the time, even on the week that S is with me. I tell her that she should put him in daycare during her week, but that he and I have always spent the days together and if I don't want to put him into daycare during my week that I shouldn't have to.

She storms out of the car again. I follow her to her door and tell her to give me S (which is what I originally came to do anyway). She says no, I can't have him. I tell her that if she doesn't let him come with me that I'm calling the police. So I do. The police arrive and, after making sure everyone is safe and that there was nothing physical, they explain that no crime was committed. She agrees to let him leave with me. We have stopped arguing at this point and the conversation is calm again. S comes home with me and goes right to sleep. Important to note that none of this happened in front of him (thankfully) because he was inside with her sister the whole time and we never argued inside of the house.

I am still numb, I think. I have been mentally preparing for her to file for divorce for a few months now. Both her words and her behavior last night shows me that hope is dead for our marriage. Maybe I shouldn't have called the cops, but I have a strong suspicion that if I hadn't - she wouldn't have been willing to let S go with me.

She calls a little later to apologize that things got so heated. I say the same. We start to get into discussion about S and daycare again before I cut it off and say that there is really no point in discussing it tonight. She says she will probably never forgive me for calling the cops on her. I say I'm not asking her to.

Today, I'm going to schedule a consultation with a firm that works exclusively with men going through divorce so that I can learn my rights and begin to understand the process.

I failed with her. I will not fail with S. I am going to make sure that I get as close to equal time as possible. I am angry and scared.

- ship

This is a very emotional time for you. I had cold sweats just reading that she had started the D proceedings.

It's not surprising then that you let your emotions get the best of you. When she told you all that you did wrong, the better reaction would have been just to validate. But you probably know that by now. Also, when you run into some difficulties during delicate conversations, such as custody, stop right there. It can be good to solve a few things on the spot, when there is agreement, but when you hit a wall, then you'll need cooler heads and maybe a mediator. Opinions and thoughts can evolve in between conversations, not just during them, so stating your position and hearing hers is already progress.

Calling the cops was likely over the top, but in a way you made a strong stance regarding your desire to be an involved father. We'll see how it plays out, now that it's been done.

Good on you to reach out for support regarding the process. Good luck.

At first, I was validating. Always "I can see why you would think that," and "I understand," and "I can tell you're serious about this." But as we started to rehash old arguments (which obviously is not a road that I wanted to go down), she stopped pulling the punches. Sensitivity turned into almost malice. And while I wish that I would have just continued to validate - I just couldn't shut my mouth anymore, got angry, and said some things that I wish I hadn't.

In the future, I'm going to try and avoid any of these talks. My goal is mediation.

I shouldn't have called the cops. But her telling me that I couldn't have him set me off. Who is she, the one who walked away from our family, the one who only sees him 2-3 days a week, to tell me that I am not allowed to see my son? Her saying that enraged me.

Thank you for the advice and the response, Mozza.

Ins

I am sad that W has decided to tell you about D in this way. And as a wayward W was in the car with you had a great deal of challenges in this. Be aware that WAS like drama and can initiate it to create a justification for their behaviour to themselves. Such a situation was made for drama. There are quieter and more dignified ways to advise your H that you have filed for D. Ins be aware that drama can be the life blood of a WAS so being dignified, validating, calming and firm is a strong position. You may have to accept that W pushed to elicit a reaction from you, so observe instead and detatch. And it is very hard to do at these emotional times.

Ins, you were trapped in a small space with W and emotional flooding of reactions and hormones. That can be challenging for those of us who are older and more experienced. Simply put Ins, STFU and walk away, defer dealing with W in these situations until you are calmer.

As Mza says you did state your position on your S and we know you have a very strong bond as a loving father. The police is an overreaction but it is done and dusted.

Do get yourself an L and keep on posting, so you have the benefit of support here. let us know what you were advised.
V

Conflicted emotions the past few days. At first, I was relieved. Now I'm just sort of numb. I still haven't been served with papers, and I am still waiting on my consultation with L. Things between STBX and I have improved in the sense that we are no longer fighting about S. I relented to her request to enter S into daycare, he starts on Friday. It will be good for him, I hope. I don't really have the money to help out with it though, so I feel that will be an issue in the future even though she seems content to pay for it for now. We are shifting to a more traditional one week with me/one week with her schedule. I hope that is the best thing for everyone involved.

The dreams came back. These horrible dreams where she and I are still together. A couple times a night at least. I wish they would quit.

Classes have started up again. I like all of them so far. They give me something to fill my time with.

I hurt my back in the gym, so I need to take it easy for a while I think. 22 year olds aren't supposed to have back problems.

I feel lonely.