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Time to get your DB Cammis on and get dirty my friend. This will not end when she leaves the job ... OM gets the side action without any of the baggage

Yes - it is a bad day. Yes, I'm spinning. Yes, my head is in a daze and I don't know what to do.


Yes, that's exactly what I feared would happen. I figured it would be tomorrow when OM is back at work, he's off today with his family. I didn't figure it'd be when she's on her own at work and texting me, but chalk it up to me being optimistic, naive, and a sucker.


I'm sadly fine with that. As long as it is a true withdrawal and doesn't lead to a relapse over and over again. She's got 3 more weeks at work. Then is supposed to take the kids on a vacation at my suggestion to get away from everything (stress, me, her old work) and I would join on the weekend. I suppose it's foolish to think that wouldn't be a time where should would relapse or start talking to him again.


Oh yes, I'm trying to DB. I'm trying to follow the DR, I'm just not sure what to do. Detach? I've expressed my concerns. Set boundaries, I can do that and she'll either follow them or not. I can stop paying for her phone - but that only gets so far and she'll get another one to hide.


I'm looking for the advise. I've been reading posts and researching the homework and stickies. Still I feel at a loss. I feel completely baffled.


As Michelle says in DR, I need to stop chasing, pushing, pleading, and pursuing. I can stop texting until she texts me. Michelle says to stop asking questions about the relationship and to stop talking about the affair. But that makes it difficult if I'm trying to enforce boundaries.

She also says to be upbeat and perky since the OM is probably quite happy when the spouse comes around and that's what I'm competing against - so that is what I'm trying to do. She says to keep being the person your spouse wants me to be and by keeping at it, the spouse will realize that the grass isn't any greener on the other side. Detaching seems to be counterintuitive to this - particularly based on where our relationship faltered.

I feel like some of what I'm hearing is based on the "After the Last Resort Technique". I don't think we're there yet. Doesn't mean we won't get there, but I don't want to take an over extreme method if we haven't gotten to that point yet.

But maybe I'm misunderstanding the DR book.


Obviously not, even though she says she does. As sandi2 points out, there is no logic at this moment and as many others say, trust nothing of what she says.


No


True. I'm trying to do the work and figure out solutions. I'm just at a loss...

t33

I do have to say I like your approach and willingness to do the work ... and honestly its tough ... you are still spinning from the bomb, the fact your world just blew up in your lap .. then trying to get your head around all the DB stuff which at the first glance can be overwhelming but it gets better with time.


So ... the quick list

Start GAL ... list them here, goals .. what you want to do for the summer to better yourself .. Consider your W passed away for now, as hard as that is .. she is gone, in an ice chamber .. we can thaw her out later when there is a cure .. for now .. lets live a little

PMA .. you touched on it .. tough at first but adopt the fake it till ya make it .. I pictured myself walking around like Sylvester who had tweety in his mouth .. no one knew why I was happy and I made sure no yellow fethers came out

^^^ Those 2 things .. do em ... and DO NOT let on what you are doing nor when you will be back .. its the mystery element. I have shared this many times ... one night as W picked up our S I was dressed to the hilt as she arrived, walked them out and got in my car. Drove my W nuts .. blew up my phone ... I dressed up for me, went out to dinner by myself and grabbed a REdBox movie on the way home.

Last one ... consider some 180's This is tricky when you have to go dim/dark and the complaint was "you never spent time with me" .... its these gray areas that were tough for me ... focus on PMA and GAL for now ... the rest will come.

Do NOT pursue her ... She is frozen and gone

First, her fantasy has to crumble, which usually comes when she is faced with circumstances that hit her due to her actions.



It's complicated b/c it is not comparable to a calendar date, nor flipping a switch. It may take a series of things to cause the fog to lift. Reality has to interfere with her A/fantasy. In other words, there should be some type of consequences for her actions. As long as she feels she is gaining something in her favor, the longer she will reside in the fog.



Find the guy you were before M (unless you always allowed people to disrespect you). Stop petting and catering while she's in contact with OM. Boundaries are more than just stating what you won't tolerate. It is about your action if she does not honor the boundary. Boundaries without consequences have absolutely no effect.

I think you should stop "discussing" this with your W. They should be your boundaries without W's imput. I have found that too many LBH'S want to talk over whatever they learn new on DB. They talk too much! You don't have to ask her opinion or get her permission. This is about you.



As if.....what?

Again, please get more DBing information under your belt before saying things to your WW about it. And frankly, I believe her going to MC with you.....at this time,is going to
complicate what you should or shouldn't do.

Listen to Sandi T33 .... she knows what she is talking about.

Thank you. Thank you for your advice and recommendations. I am still spinning. I know I'm going to keep making mistakes, so I appreciate the suggestions.


This is definitely hard. My instinct is just to keep working which is what wasn't working before. So, I plan to continue my 180 of limiting work hours and coming home at a reasonable time. With that in mind, my GAL goals:

• One or two days a week - exercise on my own by taking a walk/run - if W wants to come, at this point, I think I accept and bring her along keeping conversation based on what she initiates for the most part. If she doesn't want to come - no big deal, go out and do it myself.
• One day a week - take the kids out to the park or to play. Again, if W offers, she's welcome to join, if not - I take them anyways.
• Try to find one day a week to go out on my own (perhaps with a friend). Don't have many non-work friends so this is difficult. I want to make sure it's me coming home and then going out. Otherwise it's like I never left work and back into behavior that wasn't working.

Possible GAL move, possible Cake Eating move:
After W leaves job in 2.5 weeks and hopefully before she starts new job (assuming she gets it). Planning on sending her and the kids (and possibly her mom) on a vacation. 2-3 days on their own while I do my own thing (working) and then I'll join them for the weekend. It may be cake eating, but I think it would be good for her to get away. Away from me, OM, life at home for a short respite.


Now that is a beautiful vision. I will aspire to do the same. No matter what I know or what has happened, I will be a fun and jolly guy.

I only practiced this moderately yesterday evening as I didn't want to act too exciting or optimistic based on her telling me she ended it with the OM. Even though I know she begged him back (unsuccessfully for today, but who knows tomorrow). She doesn't know I know that - so I don't want to act excited that she thinks I think it's over. We didn't discuss it at all over the evening. We talked about her leaving her job and her head is spinning by that, and I've been supportive and told her I was proud of her, but didn't act overly excited.

Over the next day or two I'll turn myself into Sylvester - particularly in regards to the weekend at an event we're going to Fri/Sat night. With and without her - I'll work the room and just have a blast.

If W chooses to discuss the situation and affair, I will have to discuss seriously, but I shouldn't let her see it bother me? Should I be more dismissive of those conversations? I wouldn't want her to think it's not a problem and that I don't care.

What about conversations regarding the future? She does bring them up often and it is relating to joint goals we have. I suppose continue with sylvester mode - I don't want to dismiss them. Again, this has caused problems by us not talking about this stuff. We both had similar goals and hopes and dreams, but we weren't talking about them. I was working towards them trying not to burden her with the trouble. She was wanting and wishing to push forward with those goals but thought I didn't care. It was a shock to her that I had those dreams too when we spoke about them a couple weeks ago. I think that's something we should still strive towards if she's bringing them up.


That's great - ha! Still, if she asks, I feel like I should say who I'm going out with, rather than just "a friend". I don't have to be specific of what we're doing or when we're going back - but I don't want to generate mistrust if it's not needed. If she doesn't ask, I don't need to offer. Keep it as mysterious as I can while just being PMA and enjoying myself.


As I've mentioned a few times, this is a major concern for me. So I'm not going to 180 into going dim/dark as I feel I've 180'd out of that.


That being said, I think I should still occasionally text/bring up conversation to reenforce being "around" without it being a needy/pushy/pursuit type of conversation or contact. I think this seems acceptable?

---
Beyond the work above, the latest update:

Last night after work she taxied to my work and we drove home together. Slightly out of sorts but said putting in her notice was a bit surreal. Lots of emotions (I'm sure about more than work, but no bother).

While she was taxi'ing, she sent him texts:

W: So you're just going to igmore me, well don't.
OM: Just going to make it easy for you.
W: I don't want you to. I'm doing it to myself already.
W: Do you know how hard it was to focus today?
W: It suck s that there's no chance with you.
W: Just wish you wanted me as much as I you.

OM has not responded to any of that. However, he's back at work today, and I bet you they're talking. I think W may be suspicious I'm reading her texts today, so that could be it too - but who knows.

She was definitely in a funk last night and this morning. We went shopping for her clothes for the weekend. She went to the stores, I played with the kids in the mall. She enjoyed that (no kidding), but she loves shopping and I just did my own thing with the kids which was great.

We took a talk together in the evening for exercise and had very little conversation - i didn't initiate much.

This morning she was still in her funk but I let her be. I'm hoping she's beginning the withdrawal/mourning process of the relationship. In my mind, she needs to work herself out of it - but how long before she gets so desperate for another fix before she leaves work. And this guy - so noble making it easy, isn't going to turn down some easy action before she goes. He's playing her like a fiddle. I can only hope the people at her work can keep her distracting enough to get her through the next 2.5 weeks. That's wishful thinking though because if she gets desperate enough, she'll get her fix and the process doesn't resolve.

I only texted her twice this morning to see how her meeting went when they announced her departure, so we haven't really corresponded. If she's mourning, I'm happy to let her be to get it out of it. Still, it's hard not to reach out just to say Hi. Hoping this isn't going to backfire by "not being around" during the days on text like we used to be.

She did say she's excited for the event this weekend and is looking forward to it. It's two nights away from the kids. It may be a cake eating event, but hoping we can have fun together.

So, in the meantime, I'll work on my GAL and PMA. While she is at work all I can do is hope and pray that she detox/withdrawals without getting a fix. Not sure what else to do at this point...

GAL is for YOU .... leave W in the dust questioning and thinking what you are up to ... be mysterious .. if she asks where you are going calmly and politely say "Out I'll be back in a little bit"

Do not spill beans .. let her guess.

You might want to learn from OM a bit here.

Do you see how he is not pursuing and she is?? He is her current drug of choice because ... well .. you are there and availible, no excitement trying to chase you down.

IF she brings up any R talk .... you need to be firm and set some serious boundaires

You will not live in an open M
Her A is highly disrespectful to you & the family.
No R talks till she is commited to the M, full transparency (you have good intel but need to play this as if you just trust she is still in the A, she must earn your trsut back)

You need to not nice her back into the M, in a way yank that bandaid off ... she might very well lose you both if she doesnt change her ways.

If you do not start stating some boundaries .... sure OM might tire and dump her, but you are not doing anything to avoid a OM2 and a A2 here ... she is wayward and addicted.

LISTEN to Sandi and read her threads till they really sink in .... it feels like the opposite of what you feel you should do ... I get that ... but thats how you ended up HERE.

t33,

Let me paint you a picture of what is really going on here in your sitch.

You are behaving like the nerd actor Jon Cryer as Ducky in Pretty in Pink.

The OM is acting like a cool James Dean being chased by Natalie Wood.

Tell me which one a straight woman would pick??

Exactly.

So stop acting like Ducky and be more like James Dean.

Sad but true.


Yes, so barring a seperation where she see's what she'll lose, the way to do this is with GAL strategies per your edited responses. Is there anything else I'm not doing or thinking?


Those being the no communication at home. I can't set boundaries for her at work.


Do I state this to her? Or is this just a waiting game until her actions show that she's committed? At what point do I trust she's back and committed?


Without going dark, again, it's just the GAL and PMA strategies?

I understand Wonka's point too. OM has the advantage of only being available at work and on his terms. We live together with 2 kids. I'm at a disadvantage and I haven't fully put together the plan to overcome this.

sandi2 says her fantasy has to crumble from consequences of her actions. What consequences that aren't fully detrimental to the family? Quietly try to expose her at work? That doesn't seem like a good idea and she'll be leaving soon anyways. The consequences of me going off on my own? But if problems arose from me not being there? I realize I must GAL - but still...

I don't have to let her go on the vacation - but is that punishment?

I can stop discussing the A and the R until she's back.

The event will still go on this weekend, so we'll go together. It will be good to be away from the kids, but how can I continue to DB during this? Focusing on the other folks at the event? That seems to reinforce the "best friends" feeling she has that we're there together but not together.

I realize I need boundaries and consequences for them. But other than canceling her phone, I'm not sure what to do.

I feel like I'm asking stupid questions, but my mind is still in a whirlwind.